Who am I ?

All the sudden I have a surge of thought. This is my 4th year working and going into my 3rd year in "I". Looking back at what I have achieved seems to be ... ... ... nothing. Back in my early days of working back in "S", I don't have ownership towards anything and my role there is just to provide support. Support for board debug, support for rework, support for under-staff. It was just support, support and support, the only project give to me was even later killed which give me a big "WTF!!!" through my head. And with those points in mind, I left. Left for another company elsewhere hoping that things can and will be different.

But did it ??

So I started my journey in Penang, working in "I" where most people often mistaken as a "rich people population" company i.e. high pay and execelent benefits. But how true is that statement? I can't deny that my pay and the benefit here is certainly better than my ex-company but is it a par with all those around me ? That is a question mark. Anyway going into my 3rd year of service, my pay is not that much higher than a fresh graduate and i'm not getting the proper recognization from my manager which lead me to think, what the hell am I still doing here? Overworked and under appreciated. Luckily for me, there is a change in management and it seems (and i do mean it SEEMS) that my new manager seems to be sheading some light on me.... well I'll see how it goes on from here, hopefully it's worth the wait and effort.

Shifting gear into something less official yet equally stressful... ... ...

4 years in the industry, 5 years in tertiary education and another 5 years in secondary education; 15-16 years of my life meeting people, knowing people, interacting with people all almost on a daily basis and yet... ... ... one word, lonely . Pathetic? May be ... I've put too much of my effort in work, studies and activities that I've neglected love, emotions and feelings; all of which I have little or none. I'm 27 this year and I'm seeing a lot of my friends tying their knots with their significant others while some are in progress to upgrade their status to Daddy.

All this lead me think that something is wrong with my lifestyle and I needed to change. I need more time outside of office, outside of work so I took up another hobby, photography. But the problem is ... ... now I spend less time in the office/lab but I spend the equivalent time at home editing the photos that I took which brings me back to square one. I still can't met new friends. Work and photography... the things that I love and have passion for and it is also the thing that is and may absolutely kills me....

May be I'm better off alone and lonely... which reminds me of another song that perfectly fits the current me.林凡：一个人生活

I guess I better stick to these words ... 不再当宅男，立志当个快乐的摄影人!!! as much flaw there is in this sentence but currently it is the only thing that I can relate and feel happy about. When there is no hope around, the faintest light can seems so bright.

Random Thoughts #

Been rather emo for the past 48 hours. May be i was in touch with it, which is not something that i do very often. The good part of it is that i found out something about myself that i didn't know previously (even sometimes it may not be a pleasent one) the bad part to it is that... well i'm being emo (not something i enjoy) and to counter that, my evil twin is taking over in some sense. And as a result... I got some work done ^.^ (as i've been being lazy for the past few days).

Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.

hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.

AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!

Still friends.

I hate having de javu feelings but sometime it just happens. Been having a lot of discussion about my love life by a lot of people just too many times and as open as i am to the discussion sometimes it gets eerie and odd sometimes. People are just not satisfied until either they get a good explaination or until they get a good scolding which is either me or them.

I need to really make out a good explaination for myself for this else it's going to be hard to conveince people that i'm normal. Let me try to recall what reasons that i've given to others, i will sometime i tell people that ...

1. i have a small heart, i don't have much space to put so much stuff
2. there is no "feeling" being developed / arise
3. i don't meet much people
4. all of my female friends are either attached or married

On the contrary, some argued that it is because that i've not let go of something or in this case, someone and I always denied this as i don't believe it to be true. But something suddenly strikes me... ... that this statement may actually be true, there is someone occupying that little small space in me ... but the person is not the person whom some believe it to be, is someone else. May be there is just someone whom i cant get over which somehow made me ... ... ... me. Coming to this sometimes i kind of curse myself. Cursing myself to wake up and move on.

I always tell people that i don't develop feelings towards anything easily just because i've learned to somehow manage to control how to manipulate my feelings so i can easily overlook certain emotions. The problem comes is when a feeling does arise and when it does, it just sticks there. Having brought up in a family with (as far as i know) were all in a very long relationship and honour loyality, it just make things worse.

Writing this post remind me of a few songs which really suits my current mood and this post...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNh7udqo4Fc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrkMpPhF3U

Nevertheless... we are, of course, still friends... Yesterday, today and tomorrow... still ... ... just friends.

101010

10th October 2010... a date that will never repeat itself ever again (unless we live in a Matrix-like world which gets reset whenver something goes wrong) and i had a very happy and wonderful 101010.

First thing first... gratz to Bro ^.^ hahahahaha happy news indeed !!!

Next... .... Well i had a very happy 091010 and 101010 but too bad is that i'm curently too tired to talk about it. I just wanna make a note here that it was magnificant, had a good time catching up and a good laugh. For friendship... cheers~~~

I'll fil in on the details on a later day nitez world

Financial suicide

I finally taken the leap of faith and jump of the cliff... the item that i've longed for a very long time is finally in my arms. FYI to those who may not know what was it that i longed for, it was basically a DSLR. Felt the drive into photography a couple of years ago but it wasn't until recently that i felt my photography skill really improved, kudos to my mentors especially Haziezol. Due to my improvement, i felt that my existing model may no longer able to provide me with the photo quality that i seek for, for the shots i wanted..

I've been aiming for a DSLR camera for at least 8 to 12 months and been pushing and pushing further away the dream of gettting the camera. Basically it was due to financial reasons. But recently... just late last week on i finally take the courage to do the unthinkable (at least on my mind it was) to do a financial suicide to throw my savings and bought the camera. And within 4 days after purchasing it, i've shot 1400+ shoots haha ... yea that felt good....

Last weekend program was fantastic...
0830 - 0910 Free shooting
0910 - 1300 Couple portrait shooting
1810 - 23.00 Colleague wedding dinnr
23.00 - 0200 Coffee session
0230 - 0300 bath and waiting for bed...
0600 - wake up... (due to sms haha)
0800 - 0930 Breakfast
1000 - 1230 Badminton ( i was with my camera most of the time)
1400 Reach home ...
1400 - 1600 photo editing + some clicking here and there
1600 - 1840 Zzzzzzzz... (i hardly believe i will sleep actually but i was just drained)
1840 - 2000 Cooking and dinner
2000 - 0000 Continue photo edit + internet clicking :)

Damn it was a tiring weekend but i enjoy every last minute of it ... i wonder what will i do this weekend?? =)


I leave with the mug shoot of myself of the damage that i've induced on myself to remind of myself that I like photoshoot and i should continue pursue it and keep it up.. yea~~

Camera -> Kimera -> Chimera

Camera.. camera... camera...
That is what that has been popping around here and there. It has been an endless effort by all to push me into that deep hole and entrap me in the web of mirrors and pixels. No offence, i already own a camera and yes may be it's quite old and the techie-ness is way way off but it's a still a rather good camera and it's been with me for many years.

I use to have an internal battle between a 60D with a 7D... and i finally decided to go with a 7D. Which brings me to the next level of battle. Cash... Cold hard cash. The 7D have a pricy price tag... more than that i earn a month and that is before deducting all the "this and that"s ... and (yes there is another and) that is EXCLUSIVE the lense which could cost me another bundle of "joy" and tears. The cheapest lense, which is the only lense that i can afford now, is the 50mm f/1.8 which cost almost RM300... and the lense which is on my saliva-drooling-wishlist is the 24-70mm f2.8 L USM IS lense which cost approximately 18.2 times of the 50mm. No kidding, it's approximately 18x the price.

A camera is a freaking expensive hobby and i've set foot in it. Damn.... so is there a way that i can escape this fate? Yup.. i don't buy a dSLR in the first place then i'm free~~~ Yes i'm damn tempted to buy but i still need to worry about what i'm gonna eat for the next few weeks right? Damn all of you who only knows how to "promote" but never thinks on my behalf... sigh ....

YES... i am still going to proceed in getting the camera, it's just ... well a matter of time .... and money.... which again translate back into time.... (i can go on and on and on... )

NWO...

As most of you would have noticed by now (or not :p) i spend a lot of time on the internet. Most of the time i will spend my free time "Youtube"-ing on mass variety of topics, from food channel to weapons of destruction to history to myths and legends to educational and even to mind twisting stuff of conspiricies. The internet is a BIG library and if you know where to look, you usually will be able to find a topic of your choice.

Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.

I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.

Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....