A Day As A Leech

Who am I ?

2010-10-18T07:40:00.004+08:00

All the sudden I have a surge of thought. This is my 4th year working and going into my 3rd year in "I". Looking back at what I have achieved seems to be ... ... ... nothing. Back in my early days of working back in "S", I don't have ownership towards anything and my role there is just to provide support. Support for board debug, support for rework, support for under-staff. It was just support, support and support, the only project give to me was even later killed which give me a big "WTF!!!" through my head. And with those points in mind, I left. Left for another company elsewhere hoping that things can and will be different.

But did it ??

So I started my journey in Penang, working in "I" where most people often mistaken as a "rich people population" company i.e. high pay and execelent benefits. But how true is that statement? I can't deny that my pay and the benefit here is certainly better than my ex-company but is it a par with all those around me ? That is a question mark. Anyway going into my 3rd year of service, my pay is not that much higher than a fresh graduate and i'm not getting the proper recognization from my manager which lead me to think, what the hell am I still doing here? Overworked and under appreciated. Luckily for me, there is a change in management and it seems (and i do mean it SEEMS) that my new manager seems to be sheading some light on me.... well I'll see how it goes on from here, hopefully it's worth the wait and effort.

Shifting gear into something less official yet equally stressful... ... ...

4 years in the industry, 5 years in tertiary education and another 5 years in secondary education; 15-16 years of my life meeting people, knowing people, interacting with people all almost on a daily basis and yet... ... ... one word, lonely . Pathetic? May be ... I've put too much of my effort in work, studies and activities that I've neglected love, emotions and feelings; all of which I have little or none. I'm 27 this year and I'm seeing a lot of my friends tying their knots with their significant others while some are in progress to upgrade their status to Daddy.

All this lead me think that something is wrong with my lifestyle and I needed to change. I need more time outside of office, outside of work so I took up another hobby, photography. But the problem is ... ... now I spend less time in the office/lab but I spend the equivalent time at home editing the photos that I took which brings me back to square one. I still can't met new friends. Work and photography... the things that I love and have passion for and it is also the thing that is and may absolutely kills me....

May be I'm better off alone and lonely... which reminds me of another song that perfectly fits the current me.林凡：一个人生活

I guess I better stick to these words ... 不再当宅男，立志当个快乐的摄影人!!! as much flaw there is in this sentence but currently it is the only thing that I can relate and feel happy about. When there is no hope around, the faintest light can seems so bright.

Random Thoughts #

2010-10-13T07:21:00.002+08:00

Been rather emo for the past 48 hours. May be i was in touch with it, which is not something that i do very often. The good part of it is that i found out something about myself that i didn't know previously (even sometimes it may not be a pleasent one) the bad part to it is that... well i'm being emo (not something i enjoy) and to counter that, my evil twin is taking over in some sense. And as a result... I got some work done ^.^ (as i've been being lazy for the past few days).

Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.

hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.

AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!

Still friends.

2010-10-11T22:50:00.006+08:00

I hate having de javu feelings but sometime it just happens. Been having a lot of discussion about my love life by a lot of people just too many times and as open as i am to the discussion sometimes it gets eerie and odd sometimes. People are just not satisfied until either they get a good explaination or until they get a good scolding which is either me or them.

I need to really make out a good explaination for myself for this else it's going to be hard to conveince people that i'm normal. Let me try to recall what reasons that i've given to others, i will sometime i tell people that ...

i have a small heart, i don't have much space to put so much stuff
there is no "feeling" being developed / arise
i don't meet much people
all of my female friends are either attached or married

On the contrary, some argued that it is because that i've not let go of something or in this case, someone and I always denied this as i don't believe it to be true. But something suddenly strikes me... ... that this statement may actually be true, there is someone occupying that little small space in me ... but the person is not the person whom some believe it to be, is someone else. May be there is just someone whom i cant get over which somehow made me ... ... ... me. Coming to this sometimes i kind of curse myself. Cursing myself to wake up and move on.

I always tell people that i don't develop feelings towards anything easily just because i've learned to somehow manage to control how to manipulate my feelings so i can easily overlook certain emotions. The problem comes is when a feeling does arise and when it does, it just sticks there. Having brought up in a family with (as far as i know) were all in a very long relationship and honour loyality, it just make things worse.

Writing this post remind me of a few songs which really suits my current mood and this post...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNh7udqo4Fc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrkMpPhF3U

Nevertheless... we are, of course, still friends... Yesterday, today and tomorrow... still ... ... just friends.

101010

2010-10-10T23:43:00.002+08:00

10th October 2010... a date that will never repeat itself ever again (unless we live in a Matrix-like world which gets reset whenver something goes wrong) and i had a very happy and wonderful 101010.

First thing first... gratz to Bro ^.^ hahahahaha happy news indeed !!!

Next... .... Well i had a very happy 091010 and 101010 but too bad is that i'm curently too tired to talk about it. I just wanna make a note here that it was magnificant, had a good time catching up and a good laugh. For friendship... cheers~~~

I'll fil in on the details on a later day nitez world

Financial suicide

2010-10-02T00:19:00.007+08:00

I finally taken the leap of faith and jump of the cliff... the item that i've longed for a very long time is finally in my arms. FYI to those who may not know what was it that i longed for, it was basically a DSLR. Felt the drive into photography a couple of years ago but it wasn't until recently that i felt my photography skill really improved, kudos to my mentors especially Haziezol. Due to my improvement, i felt that my existing model may no longer able to provide me with the photo quality that i seek for, for the shots i wanted..

I've been aiming for a DSLR camera for at least 8 to 12 months and been pushing and pushing further away the dream of gettting the camera. Basically it was due to financial reasons. But recently... just late last week on i finally take the courage to do the unthinkable (at least on my mind it was) to do a financial suicide to throw my savings and bought the camera. And within 4 days after purchasing it, i've shot 1400+ shoots haha ... yea that felt good....

Last weekend program was fantastic...
0830 - 0910 Free shooting
0910 - 1300 Couple portrait shooting
1810 - 23.00 Colleague wedding dinnr
23.00 - 0200 Coffee session
0230 - 0300 bath and waiting for bed...
0600 - wake up... (due to sms haha)
0800 - 0930 Breakfast
1000 - 1230 Badminton ( i was with my camera most of the time)
1400 Reach home ...
1400 - 1600 photo editing + some clicking here and there
1600 - 1840 Zzzzzzzz... (i hardly believe i will sleep actually but i was just drained)
1840 - 2000 Cooking and dinner
2000 - 0000 Continue photo edit + internet clicking :)

Damn it was a tiring weekend but i enjoy every last minute of it ... i wonder what will i do this weekend?? =)

I leave with the mug shoot of myself of the damage that i've induced on myself to remind of myself that I like photoshoot and i should continue pursue it and keep it up.. yea~~

Camera -> Kimera -> Chimera

2010-09-20T23:25:00.003+08:00

Camera.. camera... camera...
That is what that has been popping around here and there. It has been an endless effort by all to push me into that deep hole and entrap me in the web of mirrors and pixels. No offence, i already own a camera and yes may be it's quite old and the techie-ness is way way off but it's a still a rather good camera and it's been with me for many years.

I use to have an internal battle between a 60D with a 7D... and i finally decided to go with a 7D. Which brings me to the next level of battle. Cash... Cold hard cash. The 7D have a pricy price tag... more than that i earn a month and that is before deducting all the "this and that"s ... and (yes there is another and) that is EXCLUSIVE the lense which could cost me another bundle of "joy" and tears. The cheapest lense, which is the only lense that i can afford now, is the 50mm f/1.8 which cost almost RM300... and the lense which is on my saliva-drooling-wishlist is the 24-70mm f2.8 L USM IS lense which cost approximately 18.2 times of the 50mm. No kidding, it's approximately 18x the price.

A camera is a freaking expensive hobby and i've set foot in it. Damn.... so is there a way that i can escape this fate? Yup.. i don't buy a dSLR in the first place then i'm free~~~ Yes i'm damn tempted to buy but i still need to worry about what i'm gonna eat for the next few weeks right? Damn all of you who only knows how to "promote" but never thinks on my behalf... sigh ....

YES... i am still going to proceed in getting the camera, it's just ... well a matter of time .... and money.... which again translate back into time.... (i can go on and on and on... )

NWO...

2010-09-13T11:27:00.002+08:00

As most of you would have noticed by now (or not :p) i spend a lot of time on the internet. Most of the time i will spend my free time "Youtube"-ing on mass variety of topics, from food channel to weapons of destruction to history to myths and legends to educational and even to mind twisting stuff of conspiricies. The internet is a BIG library and if you know where to look, you usually will be able to find a topic of your choice.

Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.

I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.

Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....

The fear of 1000 days ahead...

2010-09-08T01:26:00.000+08:00

Been to hospital lately and i notice that i was 27 years and 6 months old ... so in another 2 years and 6 months i would have leave the boundaries of 2x and be in the 3x region of my life. Not a pretty number to look at. Sigh... But on the bright side, did you know there is actually a joke about men being refered to as a bottle of wine while women are refered to as flowers? For wine, it taste better with age while flowers withers with age. Been joking with bro about nobody knows how to drink this distictive bottle from the 1983 vintage which was a partial reason that i'm still lonely. Partially... yup... partially... I am not the kind of person who knows what i'm feeling and i've not been putting much effort on feeling lately, a very long ago "lately".

I've been putting a lot of my time, effort and energy on work and recently photo shooting that i've not given any thought on any other things. The other things i mean is on my relationship. Like i was saying in another 2 years and 6 monts i'll be 30 and i'm still the lonely leech that most people knows since high school. As i recall, the last time i actually put or given any thoughts of having a relationship was back in my uni days, which has long left me. It's kind of a culture in my team to start bragging me about having a relationship and every single girl that came in seems to be a kicker for another round of bombardment.

Sometimes i can't help to think that the reason for me not having any thoughts in this is due to my commitment to work or it was due to my lack of emotions or simple due to my ignorance? Seriously, it seems that there is nobody i know nowadays that is able to trigger the urge in me. Well men have to feel the urge before they start to do courting process right? It seems that the last time i even feel attracted to a girl was back in uni... hmmmm.... what is wrong with me? I have no idea, i just know that all my effort are now in work and in photography.

Quickie update ~~

2010-09-06T23:42:00.004+08:00

I think i can describe how my week went in 2 simple pictures hehehe ...

So this was me just earlier last week... just stand by (yup i think this is what standby really meant) the table waiting to do work...

And this is me ... later that same week... lying on the table and being "worked on"... hahaha this makes me think, how fragile a human can be... hmmmm ... so here i am on a 8 day MC and recuperating back at home now ... and come to think of it, recuperating can be a painful thing for me... not use to having to rest and rest and rest...

This is my 2nd time taking MC after working for 3 years... hahah so excited...

Anyway too much time in hand ... sigh... so when there are time there are thoughts... Some "Me time" again hahaha

PS: Yup i took this idea from a friend hahahaaa .... XD

Travelling ....

2010-08-30T07:42:00.002+08:00

Been thinking (and whenever that happens, something is not right) i've been working for 3 years adn 3 months now and ... well... i feel stuck... i'm stuck here and here only... btw i mean our "lovely" country. Most of my friends have did some travelling in their work career but not me... sigh...

My ex-colleagues went travel and biz trip almost immediately after i left, one of them even when Japan for 2 weeks? And my other course mates who joined the same company (but different org) got a chance to travel and they joined later than me...

I don't know why i feel bad about this, may be is because many people ask me about this a lot, for e.g. ...
Friend A: Hey, you didn't travel to US?
Friend B: Ya... When are you going to US??
Me: Er... the things i'm doing will not allow me to travel.
Friend A: Really??? My friend just went to xxxxx for y-months for training.
Friend B: Ya and many of my friends from "W" company got a chance, some even went there couple of times. I thought all US based MNC will travel also to US. Not like that meh?
Me: Er... ... ... ... ... No... ... obviously... #sigh#

I'm not sure how many of you guys have ever been into this kinda awkward situation but i've been in a lot which can be kind of frustrating if you think about it. Well it's a sucky feeling whenever i get this questions.... well i guess that's my life...

Lappy down~~~

2010-08-18T22:51:00.002+08:00

Today has proven as my most unproductive day. Went to lab ar around 7 and switched on my laptop.. i click on scan disk the day before so i allow it to do it thing and i went for my usual coffee. I got back and noticed that it is still running the scan disk thingu so i sat there over my cup of coffee and my magazine and do some reading (which is something i don't usually do even when i have nothing to do at home)... page after page i read... the scan disk thing is still doing it's thing... ... i saw good news.. it's at 98% and as i wait eagerly, i turn another few pages on my magazine and then i noticed that my laptop shut down.. hmmm that's strange, i don't recall the system to shut down after a scan disk... anyway i turn it on and let it load.... ... ... then it happened... everything turned blue... aiks~~~ it's the blue screen. I shut down and turn it on again and there it was again .. damn~~ my HDD crashed...

Took it to IT and got it fix... the diagonastic took another hour because they want to make sure it's the HDD problem and by that time it's almost 11. They say they will need to rebuilt the HDD and will take them 3 hours. Also they will call me when it's done...

Its almost 4pm and i still didn't get their call... i went to IT just to know that they weren't able to get me.. (stupid la with it's lousy reception) and with the restore and mumbo jumbo it finally dragged m till 6pm... there goes my day...

A whole day of nothingness.. no work, no progress, and no update... and whenever i have time i'll think of something and whenever i think of something i ended up feeling down and blue just like that blue screen... what am i doing in the team anyway??? My boss doesn't seems to appreciate me and to make it worse i felt being de-appreciated by my former boss to my new boss... if i'm that not important then why have me in the first place? Like the name suggest... it's Legacy "lei gau si" (in direct translation, it meant "your shit") so that is who i am.. the shit collector...

MIA...

2010-08-02T23:28:00.003+08:00

THis is a common title that i put in my blog... but what to do... i'm engaged lately...
...
... ...
... ... ...

no i'm not "engaged" engaged.. i'm just occupied.

I've been away to Yogyakarta few weeks back (and i'm now still working on getting the photos up >.<) then i was all tied up with work, since i was away for a whole week. Then all hell broke loose when Chris gimme the crack to my long awaited Assassins Creed 2. I got the game for over a month now but i was not able to crack it so it was lying ideal in my desktop and now .. wuakakakakak i'm stressing it everynight (not only my PC but i'm also suffering coz of it hahahaha ) which in turn cause the super delay in my photo editing and uploading

Over the weekend i notice that my phone went dead... yes it is DEAD~!!!! the batteries went flat and i wan't able to charge it .. damnit!!!! My Diamond is dead .. wt... .... hell!!!

Today ... yes today....

I went to QB to send to the shop and that cost me RM150 and now ... Well my house seems to be powerless.. literally ... there is no power in my apartment so i'm forced to stay in my friend's place ..

Ain't my day indeed... sigh....

I wanna go home :'(

The future is in ... ... whose hand?

2010-07-03T00:34:00.003+08:00

I have to admit that i am no pious person and i am a strong believer that you have the power to determine and shape your future. Yet... sometime i can't help to think that there is somebody up there who guides me and even grant me my wish to accomplish my goal.

There are many times in my life where i feel like giving up as i see my goal slip further and further away from me yet something happen and give me hope again. That my goal of mine is still within my graps if i work harder and push harder for it and i did. During the few times that i fell, hurt and bleed... i almost went thru something equivalent to hell to me and i climb back up. I work hard to accomplish the goals that i've set for myself.

But on the personal side... "He" has not given me much on the relationship area. All my hopes and achievement that i've wanted was achieved but never when it came to relationship. From normal friends to that special some one... i sux when it comes to human to human relationship as I am very good in screwing up my relationship with people around me.

Again... now i have another dream and achievement that i wish to achieve... will You give me that same support that You have given to me previously? I no longer have any hope for a relationship thus i will take this as the principle of equivalent trade... to trade my life for a happy relationship for a life of great achievement... can i do it just like how i've did it previously? Only time will tell ....

You to the world

2010-06-17T21:38:00.002+08:00

Was explaining something to my buddy at work today when it suddenly strike me... something rather random and yet seem so sensable. Silly yet meaningful. I believe i have similar thoughts before but today.... ... today it seems so much sensable when i think about it maybe due to chain effect that happened after that. I spend almost 2 hours in the club house playing Wii with my colleagues and after that i came home, with an empty stomach just to know that my housemates are not at home... tired, hungry and lonely... best combo.

Well the question that came to the piece of muscle in my head, a.k.a my brain, was.... What is my value to the people around me? It seems that the only other person in this world, besides me, who actually cares about me are my parents ... and occasionally my brother. So who am i to everyone else? It just seems that, after working hours is over, i'm only as valuable the Sodium Chloride molucule in the sea... with or without that molucule, the sea is still that salty and it ain't going to be that much saltier with me. I am only seen as valuable when it's office hours and when somebody need help with something. Yup... as valuable as the handy man.

I can't help but to feel that the closest "family" i have here are in fact my colleagues but they are only my colleagues from 8 - 5.30 or the occasional additional OT hours. But that's that... at the end of the day, they have someone who will wait for them to either come home to or to call and to say "Hi". There is just that somebody ... whom sadly to say, i don't have. My parents are 400km away and ... and... er... well... that's all ... i guess...

It is times like this that i wish that i don't feel anything at all. I feel like there is a gap in my current life. And whenever this topic pops up... the next thing that will come is THAT question / statement again... "CH, get a girlfriend la... dun just always stay in lab, you not getting younger ".. blah , blah , blah.... It's not that i don't want to find but it ain't exactly a walk in the park right? You will wish to choose your Ms Right, so she will want to choose her Mr. Right too so... are you that Mr. Right to your so called Ms Right? Well let's not go there and back to my question...

...what do you think your value are to this world? All i know is... in this island called Penang, it is dirt cheap...

Bro...

2010-06-03T22:05:00.002+08:00

Am I a caring person? Do I sometimes care too much about someone? Do I sometimes take too much initiative to help people ?

Well that's just something random, so feel free to ignore it. Was chit chatting with some friends today over these messenger and had a funny experience (well it was kinda funny to me). I had two of my friends called (or should i say treat) me as Big Bro.

hmmm....

Well may be that has some truth to it i guess. Sometimes I think I tend care too much about someone that i feel that i'm over doing it and to others, it might look like i'm being "too nice" to these people as most of the time i'm so called "extra nice" to females. But thanks to my dullness and numbness in emotion, most of the time if not all the time all i am to these people i'm just the Big Bro who they can come to when they have problems.

I wonder ... if i were to take more initiative in making more "courting" other than just caring... i wonder .... ... ... ...

Another level

2010-05-30T18:08:00.003+08:00

Another year, another brother step forward into a new phase in life. Yesterday my 22 years buddy tied his knot with his beloved and end his bachelor-hood days.

I was there whole day trying my best to help him out to the best i could ...

... funny things is ... there is basically nothing more that i wish to say here, which is kind of odd...

Have a beautiful new life CCC ....

What if....

2010-05-25T20:37:00.005+08:00

What if” is such a nice word. It just pulls together all the possible outcome and ~~make~~ force you to think of the possibilities which in most cases are the more beautiful ending cases. And then you start to regret for not doing the “what if” stuff. This is how ironic we as human are, whenever we do a “looking back” session we will have all these “what if”s coming up and then we’ll have all these “regrets” which is too little too late.

Awhile back, I was driving by Queens Bay where I saw this beautiful rainbow. Then when I parked my car by the roadside and looked up I saw a beautiful angle to take a very beautiful photo where the rainbow was perfectly visible just above the in between the triangle in a lightly darken evening 7pm sky with the street light and if I have a filter to make the street light shoots out like star then it will be almost too perfect. The only problem is… … … I don’t have my camera with me. What if I have taken my camera with me and put it in my car the day before, I used to have the habit of bring it along with me but not anymore, and then this could almost be a picture perfect photo… sigh…

This actually brings me to another incident where I can’t help to think “What if” …

What if I have taken initiative to study harder or to get to know more people, who will I be today? Well let's face it, my capability towards knowledge is only up this limit so the question remain, what if i took more initiative to get to more people, namely girls. Would I still be single, available and desperate a.k.a S.A.D today? I can't help to think that there might have been a chance for me back in my uni days but I guess I've blown it by being me... I didn't take any initiative in relationship just because I kept telling myself that good things will not happen to me and that I am only second best if not the third to others. What if i have make move ? What if I have maintained close contact ?

What if...

what if indeed... ... its too little too late now as it's all history. The "she" has graduted and I've left uni for 3 years, if the "what if" were to happen it would have happened long ago right? And me... I'm still the brat that I was 3 years ago, still naive, stupid and childish inside and on the outside, I'm serious, responsible and the unbeatable iron bangla.

I'm 27 this year and my friends is getting married one by one, do i feel the pressure of being single? Not really, may be work has dulled my senses but being single doesn't sounds or seems that bad besides the usual lonely and solitude nights or when you have tonnes of things to blurt out but nobody to listens to. Other than that, I'm still ok with my life.... the question is, for how much longer? I tell myself that I need to change, I tell myselt that this life of mine is a hazard and I tell myself I need to take control of my private life more but they are only words, words which I care less about.

For me, myself and I... ... have a happy cold and lonesome night, today... tomorrow ... and who knows, till my d_ _ _ g days??? Hahahahahaha.... cheers~~

Pine view

2010-05-24T21:57:00.002+08:00

Another PRQ for company "I"... and initially we were promised a little lappy for each of us who participated... but in the end, all we got was the Easten wind. Anyway there was a celebration dinner last friday in Gurney Hotel and there was a lucky draw of the little Pine for 40 lucky winners... and no, i didn't manage to win it... but i got myself a prize as the organizer said that everyone will walk away with something.

Talking about the dinner, i am really frustrated with my camera's battery (i almost say camera but i know i can't) , it can no longer store charges... less than 100 shots and the battery dies on me. I really need new one else i'm stranded... I got a rather good camera but no batteries, how pathetic can you go??

Now i'm waiting for my prize... hopefully Zol remember to bring it tomorrow haha... itchy hand again hahahha ....

730 days in "I"

2010-05-13T23:14:00.002+08:00

I can't believe how time has flew me by. Today marks the 2nd year that i've been with the "I" corperation. Althought i've been on board for 2 years but on the record i've only been there for 18 months. And in about 2 weeks time it will be my 3rd year working as an engineer not to mention to graduate from uni. These 3 years has been rather kind to me in terms of work. I have made many good friends and have many good colleagues in a good and condusive working environment. As a colleague of mine said "If you get good colleagues, consider yourself lucky. If you get bad colleagues consider that as normal."

Lets have a quick recap of what i've endured during this 3 years... ... ... ... i have experience super long working hours, and er ... erm... ar... well can't actually think if anything else i guess. After moving to Penang, it's been rather a different life. I have to tend to everything myself and i have nobody to tell me what to do. And how do i use all this freedom, i spend them at work. I work till it's nobody's business from early morning till very late at nite just to go back the lab early again the next day. Unlike when i was still in KL where i will most certainly reach home at certain hours of night.

Is this the proper life of an engineer? And in this 3 years i have learn a few myths related to engineering
1- Work life effectiveness... this term has been nothing much but a myth to me.
2- Engineers have very high pay ; depends on which line of engineering you are talk about basically
3- Engineers can fix virtually anything; hv you have friends who ask you to fix their TV just because you've worked in a TV factory?
4- Engineers are "kayu"; which i totally disagree coz i crack a lot of stupid jokes and most of the time it works... ...
5- Engineers are good with numbers; hmmm.. not me at least

All i can say is that, many people can study engineering but not all who graduate wants to be an engineer and those who wants to be an engineer, not all of them can be an engineer. Most importantly, those who can be an enginner not all will remained an engineer. So where does that leaves me?? I still like what i'm doing , being involved with technology and stuff... but until when? I wonder what will i say when i reach my 3rd year in this organization ... .... anticipating i guess...

Happy anniversary Leech...
by
The Leech....

^.^

Working Life Blues

2010-04-29T07:47:00.001+08:00

Waking up on a cloudy day
I start to think it’s not my day
But here’s the sun after the rain
I guess the day aren’t such a pain

Weekends gone since yesterday
OMG here comes Monday
Need to wait another 5 days
To wait again for my holiday

Productivity increase at a slower rate
There is nothing I can do to escape this fate
What do you expect on a Monday
Email been piling up since Friday

Monday gone and its Tuesday
Work resume like any other normal day
Working additional hours to close some case
To some its just piece of cake

Tuesday went buy relatively smooth
Nothing compares to my Monday blues
Still there is nothing to contain my lazy ooze
Trying hard not to go to snooze

Tuesday gone for another day
OMG it’s now Wednesday
Half the week has pass me by
Its just left without saying goodbye

Wednesday is a day for rejoicing
Only half the week is left remaining
Counting down the number of days
For another weekend for my holiday

When the sun is away
The moon comes out to play
When the sun comes out the following day
Guess what… .. .. Its now Thursday

Today’s mood is just so-so
Anticipating the day call tomorrow
Work in hand today it must go
Else it’ll pile up and start to grow

Guess the weather, wind and day
What the hell,… today is Friday
There can’t be any better day
Bye-bye work here comes holiday

Working on Friday is such a pain
Work to rush yet can’t concentrate
Hope there’s no surprises and no rain
Counting down the clock to go celebrate

Chillaxing for the next two nights
Some booze to a level they might get into fights
While some indulge in activities to their delights
But I just wanna rest cause I’ve earn the rights

Sunday evening is a gloomy hour
Thinking of it makes me sour
Why is Friday so close to Monday?
It’s time for another cycle of a blue, blue day.

From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet

Photo shoot out ~~

2010-04-27T22:38:00.002+08:00

Just had a photo shoot out with CCL and Zol. I have my camera before both of them and yet they seem to be more professional than me :( i guess your skills can be cap by the limitation of your gear ... ish ish ish... well since i'm broke then i think there's nothing much that can tempt me into buying a new camera gear hehehe ....

Well it's almost like each time CCL comes to Penang, all we do are just to stay at home and play game but this time its different. He got himself a camera and Penang is a damn good place to take photo. Mountain, sea, forest, old buildings.. u name it i think Penang has it... so this trip of his has turned into a photo shooting trip. Well i think he likes it and so do i... it feels great to be out from the house and from work once awhile. Not to mention i did felt more emotionally relax after that trip ^.^

well to those who are interested in seeing my photographic shame, it's all here so fel free to drop by and comment ^.^

Jobs, Life, and Relationship

2010-04-01T22:51:00.002+08:00

A mirror, glass, or mere a crystal. That is who i have been recently at work. I've been more invisible that i ever notice recently. Does that bothers me? Not really. Since i can remember, i've never able to keep a good relationship with anyone for any reason for any period longer than the project. This is the reason that i always label myself as the unknown, unheard and unseen.

I'll be good with you on the project basis due to job requirement, the job then destroy my life and later i will ruin the relationship between you and I. That is what i'm good at.

I"ve never good in conveying feelings because i have little if not none. I see things as plain and simple as i can and could just avoid myself from having let downs. I usually give people cold shoulders so they will give up trying to get to know me. I'm basically making myself unapproachable after work because you will just get fed up with me ...

Setting priorities

2010-03-22T07:41:00.002+08:00

Was reading this post on the papers today and was thinking... what priorities? I've spend too much time on my priorities that i've forgotten about relationship. It was my priorities that made me so numb on the emotional side... but still, i argee on the topic.

I have friends (A) who their significant other stays with them during our years in college and uni. And i have other friends (B) who actually imply that it is impossible that they've not "done" anything throughtout their relationship period. Seriously i would trust my (A) friends thinking they won't just simply because i think i won't and i trust their character, yet what my (B) friends said is not completly without base. "Don't tell me you don't feel curious or urge to do it?" , well this is the claim actually. Human beings are a bunch of curious nutcases..

As my other friends imply, there is no such thing as accidents... its either planned or unplanned. That's it... well i think hugging and kissing is kinda of a norm in a relationship but i still think kissing public is not totally accepted yet. I'm ok with the scene, hugging and kissing. just that i still prefer not to see a kissing scene unless it's a special occasion.

The meaning of my blogging activities

2010-03-21T23:10:00.003+08:00

I notice that i've been doing a lot of blogging lately, i think almost 3 post a week which is rather high for me. I mean i use to blog daily but that was during my school days and when i started working my blogging frequency just reduce dramatically. Which actually got me thinking ... ... usually when i start to blog it because i have a lot of thoughts in my head and also due to the reason i have not many person whom i can share it with, i usually end up scribbing it out here and share it with the rest of the world.

How many of you have a problem of finding someone to talk to, either via msn/YM/Gtalk etc or thru a phone call ?? Most of the people i know, well at least i feel, don't have this problem. Most people i know have another "half" whom they can share their thoughts, or have buddies who they can share (again... i think). As for me... seriously i don't want to go to the "You don't know me" or the "You don't understand me" arguement because one of the reason you don't understand me is because i don't tell you much about me. This is something that i got lectured a lot by a lot of friends. Yet i've not done much to change that.

I have a poker face that don't have much facial expression (other than the "duh" look or the "please kill me" look that i always show to others) and i don't have much emotions either. I can be smiling but i'm may not be happy, i can frown but i might be sad ... this to add on to my lack of friends is really pushing me further and further away from humanity sometimes.

Is it easier to share your "un-happiness" with a friend from the opposite gender? Sometimes i want to find a girl to talk to other than a guy ... may be is because i want to feel the gentle kindness that is so hard to get from a guy. Problem is... there ain't so many female friends around for me to find and talk to. And those who are around... well sorry to say that i'm not close enough to them that i wish to share with them.

So here i am, talking to myself on the world wide web... writing a blog containing all my mixed feelings and emotions into cyberspace. Coming to this, i really wonder, what will i do if the Internet was never brought up?

Law of Attraction

2010-03-20T18:00:00.004+08:00

This law goes something like, if u want it, and dream and hope for it strong eoungh it, it will happen (or something like that) ... hmmmm..... well i've not doubting this so called law as i have my fair share of hopes and achievements.

I went to my diploma setting a goal that i must graduate with a min pointer of 2.6 and i got it. As i move on to my degree, i told myself i must graduate with a min pointer of 3.0, i got that too. Of course i've worked my ass off for the results but i did get what i want. This are the only two examples that i could think of for now. So yes, i want it hard enough and i got it. For my other examples, it doesn't run far away from work or school related, nothing much on the personal aspects of life.

I've never thought of getting in a relationship until i graduate from high school, so throughout those period (which happen to be among my best moment of my life) i've never put any thoughts into relationship. And come to think of it, if i had i might not be Mr. Lonely till today. Coming into my adulthood... I think the law still applies, i mean till today i doubt that i've put in much thought about getting a partner. If i had i might have one by now right? Or is it due the fact that there is nobody around that is able to start the spark in me? Should i focus more on my working self or should i start focusing on personal self? I'm 27 now and i'm already seeing a lot of my friends from my school days getting married or engaged or at least in a healthy relationship.

Borthering thoughts

2010-03-14T22:51:00.004+08:00

I'm having a thought today... a thought that has even kept me from sleeping. I try to take a nap today, which is something i don't do very much as i don't take naps unless i'm sick. Anyway i went to my bed, lie down and amazingly i really fell asleep... well almost. Whenever i'm heading into the sleeping region... i'll wake up almost violently and this went on until i give up taking my nap.

Anyway back to my thought today... somehow i keep thinking to myself... Why did i quit my last job and come here? I used to have a quite fun, entertaining and rather carefree job, i give it up for a hectic, stressful and unhealthy job?? Well the pay was not as attractive as the pay i'm getting now but at least i had a life back then. I can still manage to find time to do some catching up with friends after work. Sigh... ... ... what have i done? Did i choose a wrong path somewhere along the way? Life is too beautiful for it to be going this way... and like EH like to say, "Live your life well as you will die for very long."

Back in my old job, on a Saturday and Sunday i will be shaking my butt in front of a desktop playing game or chit chatting with a friend over MSN or i might even be out having a drink. Yet nowadays i'm sitting in front of my laptop looking at my work or sometimes even going back to the lab on a beautiful Saturday/Sunday, and now ... even gaming doesn't sounds as appealing as it used to... Why? What am i doing wrong? What is wrong with me? I cant help to think that this job is catching up to me, taking my sanity away, bit by bit, day by day....

I need to do something about this job or i'll have to leave this job in search of something else .... it'll be my second year in this place this May and i think i've lost more of my personality and sanity than i can imagine. It's not kidding when they call this place the pressure cooker as i'm having sleepless nights, i'm get jumpy from time to time and sometimes.... i just feel that even breathing can be a burden as sometimes i find it very difficult to breath at work... I am handling something that is beyond my capabilities, my stress management is no longer sufficient for my current stress status and i can only imagine that the stress level can and will only increases and not decreases. Will i break down first or will i be able to break this cycle... only time will tell and only i will know the outcome .

Well i'm off to bed ... hopefully i won't have this abrupt waking ups again.... tomorrow is another day in the "lab"rinth... Nite~~

Meaningful Sat

2010-03-14T00:09:00.003+08:00

A big WOW and a pat at the back for the Leech. I've spend less than 2 hours today in front of my PC (minus the time now tat is). It's been such an eventful Saturday, a Saturday that i don't think i've ever had since... erm... erm... er... may be since my days in Uni... or not, but today is very eventful that i really need to write it down to remind myself this is how life should be lived and not endured.

Work up about 620am this morning but i went to bed at 140am so it's kinda blur for awhile, to get ready for a football match. Please note that i don't event play football, i don't even play any forms of sports... i only agreed to go because it's some sort of a ~~team~~ departmental social gathering and i wanted to go to snap some photos. Not to mention i'm holding Czet's water bottle as he left it in the lab the previous night.

So i got there, late... i left my wallet home and i was already at the 5th floor... anyway.. i got to USM field and i'm already seeing some of them warming up. What seems to be a 4 on 4 quickly turned into a 5 on 5 when Chun Sion arrived, to make the number even i agreed to join. Me as playing football, i think the last time i actually played was somewhere in early Form4 which was some time around 11 years ago. During the 1st half it was 1:1 and later in the 2nd half it was 3:3, i can't remember who scored but i do remember that 1 of the goals was by Jeff, it was an own goal... hehehehe... well after the match we went for breakfast and boy do we look like some middle aged men. We were at a coffee shop sipping from our cups with some reading the papers and we were talking about the recent news and some history lesson...

After breakfast i went to the Tesco for some shopping as i'm low on food supply and after spending another 2 hours (i think is 2 hours, i didn't actually keep track) i went home and i was beat... i think i feel better last week even after that hike. Well i got home and washed my dirty shoes and just before i could go for my bath, my housemate told me that they are planning for a steamboat later tonight. So we went for another round of shopping, this time at the wet market. We got back and we started preparing the food. And i don't mind telling you that we just finish cleaned up about an hour ago, that's why i'm writting such an elobrate blog... i'm so full that i can't sleep... not to mention my hair is still wet... damn after one whole day, i finally can take a bath... and i'm now damn sleepy too... full + wet hair... dymn~~~~

Anyway this is really a good Saturday (notice that i'm using Saturday instead of weekend, because i might need to go back to the lab for some work... hopefully is just a "might" ) Oh ya... today really made me realize something, i can spend a day outside of home, away from PCs and work ... really enjoyed myself today. I think i should do this more often... i am .. human... ... rite?

Birthday enlightment

2010-03-11T21:58:00.003+08:00

I had a very tense birthday this year, basically it's from all the wishes from all my friends. Beside the normal "Happy Birthday" most of the wishes included an additional message. And if you are among one of those who wished me or have a chance to drop by my facebook you may have be able to guess what i'm trying to say. To those who don't know... well most of them wish or should i say encourage / urge me to get a girlfriend. Well.... ... thanks to all this "encouraging" wishes brought me to another enlightment and i kind of think that this could be the biggest enlightment i have since ... i have no idea since when ... coz it's just big~~~~

Well let me just get into my little discovery... i've discover the reason why i am dead single, i think i need to highlight the word DEAD just to show how single i actually am hahaha and to make matters worse, my little discovery can be explained and proven scientifically. And it's perfectly logical =)

Are you ready for my little discovery???

U sure ???

Dead sure??? =p

Well... ...

I just noticed that i'm a relatively successful babe magnet myself. I have abselotely no doubt that i'm a successful babe magnet. But there is just one tinne winsy problem... the polarity of the magnet ... ... well it's the same polarity with all the babes... just to help those who are not very good in magnetism, let me give you the gist of what i'm trying to say. Magnets of opposing polarity attracts while the same polarity repels... so ... yup... that's just what i am; a big succesful defective "babe magnet". They can only get just "that" close before they get repeled and "run" away. So i guess that's why i remained single. No girls can get close enough to me to begin to like me. I guess that is another reason why i'm so glued to the internet, that's the only place i may be able to ge to know those from the opposite sex without repelling them far away from me.

Where is the professionalism??

2010-03-09T23:18:00.004+08:00

sigh.... i can't believe i will need to retreat to my blog to blurt out my bottled up frustration this is just because i know not many will visit my blog and i can really speak my mind without worrying that i may "hurt" anyone's feelings.....

What happen to the professionalism of a profession? What will happen when one start to lose interst in the work they are working on? What is the school teaching the young ones nowadays? When you reply a "Noted" to an instruction it means you understood the request and you will deliver to the request right? When i tender my resignation letter in my last job, i still continue to contribute, continue to do overtime to make sure the product get launched and all engineering work are done from my end. And whenever i reply a "Noted" to a request i will make sure that i'll do it, i may delay a day or two but i will still deliver the things... Isn't this what we called as being a professional?

Is it me being naive or is this is what it is suppose to be? Sometimes i can't help to think that i'm working with a bunch of people who is interested in seeing me dead than being promoted or appreciated. Is it so hard to work with me? Am i so hard to handle that "you" are looking for a way to torture me?? Why??

I really can't help to think that the working attitude of people are going from bad to worse. In the world nowadays there is no such thing as "You give me 1k salary i'll deliver 900 worth of work" it's more of a "You give me 1k salary, i will need to produce 11k worth of return" but who still sees this? Like i say, may be i am still a naive boy in this materialistic world.

I really do think that i work better alone, i may be hectic and i may be tired but at least i know where all the pieces goes unlike now where i am having trouble tracing which is which. Working in "I" make me to start thinking, am i really a leader? Do i have the qualities to be a leader? Why?? Is this my problem?

Fan??

2010-03-08T08:12:00.003+08:00

A man with a pen, and a man with a fan... ....

Excuse my blurness... it's monday and i'm at work with lack of sleep (may be i had enough but i'm still sleepy) and some numb mussles.... I wanted to write this in the weekends but i was lazy during the day and i got "kidnapped" at night so i'm doing it now... haha ... hopefully nobody sees me :p

Throughout my years being alive, i had never thought i would become a fan of any figures from the world of entertainment. All this time i will only care how well they sing the song and if it's good i'll like them, regardless of their genre or language but recently i'm very into a group. Becoming a fan of theirs... Can't believe it haha ...

I'm sadly and at the same time proudly admit that i've totally become a fan of the girl group So Nyuh Shi Dae or SNSD or Girls Generation. As you may have guessed it from the name, they are not a Chinese group (although you may think is a English group) but they are in fact a Korean girl group. They are a group of 9 rather attractive female members with rather good vocals and choreography. My favourite member is the leader TaeYeon because i just simply like her voice plus some of her cuteness does adds points hehe... but she's not always cute and pretty, in some of their MVs she looks rather normal.

Seriouly, what can be more sassier than watching a well choreograph dance to a nice song? It's being presented to you by 9 attractive ladies... the combo is just amazing least to say.

Well back to work... but i'll leave with a clip of one of my favourite song it's a sad one but i like it... If (OST from Hong Gil Dong)

Creativity?

2010-03-03T07:32:00.004+08:00

I think i'll do a short blog update hehe... psst... nobody in my side of the lab yet hahaha

Sometimes i can't help to feel my creativity with words, especially when it comes to coming up with phrases ... i just came up with a good phrase for myself and it seems most people who read it like it, it was funny and it made a point ... i'm glad i'm good in words manipulation hahaha... it's fun :p

Taken from my Facebook...

if men are like wine and gets better with time... anyone interested to taste
this one of the kind 1983 vintage that has been kept in a cold and dry
environment for the last 2 years i.e. the lab hahaha

My current favourite phrase / quote is ... ...

Call me "tiger". Why ? Coz i'm both 老 in age and 苦 in life...

well been using this a lot at work... so.. yea it's my favourite quote since most of my colleagues here calles me Tiger. It is just so fitting..

EH... a colleague, a counter part and hell of a basket of a friend

2010-02-27T00:27:00.002+08:00

Actually this is something i should have blurted out yesterday but i didn't... Yesterday was the official last day of one of my best companion at work... the one and only O-EH. Seriously i have no idea that we've been colleagues for almost 2 years in that frozen labrinth we call lab. And yesterday was his last ... his last day in this hell hole.

Of all my colleagues, EH has a relatively special position. Of all the colleagues he is the only one whom i have no problem being myself. While i have a tendency to be on my best behaviour with each and everybody else, but with him i can just be the jerk that i am. Not forgotting the fact that he's usually the last remaining few guys in the lab that will always keep me company whenever we work late. He very much reminded me of how i was back in my secondary school days (and those were among my best days of my life). How you could NOT like a person who basically is a bundle of joy to be around.

I will miss our morning hellos ...
I will miss our daily chats ...
I will miss his cute and adorable face especially when he put on that fake smile of his ...
But the thing that i will miss the most is
... his companionship when i feel stressed and worn out
... our long night chats where we blurt out all our unpleasantness
... his presence during the long OT nights

I do not know whether will or when he might read this, but EH, if you are reading this. Thanks for being such a good friend, colleague and the jack a$$ that you are. I wish you a smooth sailing in your future journeys and may lady luck be with you every step of the way.

Public holiday???

2010-02-26T14:43:00.003+08:00

I just found out 2 things today... think of it as enlightment hahaha
(hey i guess the long holiday i took is begining to pay off i'm thinking more clearly now hahaha ...)

1st...
Public holiday is actually a myth... coz it nvr actually happens, it's just a way to tell u that u can rest 8 more hours coz u've work too much extra the previous days and to boss can't compensate so somehow they manage to come out with this term called "Public Holiday" to con you into believing that if u work more and finish more work then you can enjoy a bit more. But its not... you'll end up working more than the 8hours of compensation.

but don't fret... this brings me to my second enlightment of the day ... ....
...
public holiday is for the public, not for those privately "owned" and since we are privately owned by the company that hire us... so there ain't such thing as a public holiday

so if you are thinking of having a good "public" holiday then consider a career in the "public" line or the goverment sector because the "private" line just don't have such thing haha

CNY Gambling

2010-02-17T22:53:00.005+08:00

"I think it's a Chinese culture to gamble. Chinese can gamble on virtually anything."

I remember hearing this quote from some TV show sometime ago but i can't really remember where or when. But seriously it's rather true. Chinese does like to gamble and talking about gambling, the one and only time when gambling is "legal" in family POV is during CNY. Most families wouldn't allow their child to gamble on other days (well at least in my family) but on CNY, everything goes and it usually with a classic saying "Once a year"

Anyway i've stop gambling, even during CNY. Reason??? I've once gamble with my secondary school buddies and i lost a bundle... It was more than 4 years ago (may be longer), we were playing "chor dai dee" sorry i can't make it out in English so to those who knows, please educate me on this. We were playing 1 cent per card and i manage to lose more than 1 dollar plus... 1 cent a piece and i manage to lose 1 dollar plus... can u imagine the losing streak i was having. So on that day onwards i told myself not to gamble again ... and i was able to abide to this lil vow i made... until today ...

Well we had a secondary school buddies gathering today, started off at my friends shop for lunch before moving to Vincent's place. And to this guys, gambling is as part of their event as drinking. So we played a few rounds... And to my suprise i was in the zone. We started with some rounds of Blackjack where each of us took turns to be the banker and then moved on to Chor Dai Dee again. And to my suprise i was winning. It is the first time i really played again and i won... i actually won haha ...

Just wanna brag about it, i mean most of you will play and win right? But to someone who dont actually enjoy gambling, it was a great day for me ... Hey i started with RM2 and i manage to get ~RM25 when i left, and all this in about 3 hours of game.

And to bring me back to reality... ... ... i'm actually in my room now, working ... doing some waveform post processing + some Eye diagram for sATA ... HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR~~~~~

Holiday thoughts

2010-02-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

It's funny that i'm actually thinking abuot work now... just can't help thinking that there are still unfinished stuff and i need to deliver some overdue data to a colleague of mine... some of you might be yelling "hey~~~ it's the holiday can you give yourself a break?? " but the fact is i have given myself a break... officially tomorrow will be a working day so i would need to do something about it. Maybe i'll do some work tomorrow if i have the time ... another round of gathering tomorrow haha ...

Another thing that got me thinking tonight after i met up with another long lost friend. The last time we seen each other was more than 2 years ago. Thus it got me thinking, time really flies and little did we know we are getting older. My friend and i have known each other for 14 years now, i mean how many 14 years do you have in life? And throughout our 14 years of friendship, we have quite a number of years where we have totally lost contact with each other. Does it really have to be this way? Using this long holiday of mine, i plan to seek out other long lost friend have try to arrange a F2F. Nothing is more magical than to seek out an old friend and do some catching up. Currently i have at least one more on my list... hopefully we are able to meet up before i migrate back to my Frozen "Lab"ryinth...

Ups and downs

2010-02-16T02:27:00.002+08:00

Had a met up with a friend today and it some how reminded me of something i've not used in quite some time. I use to tell myself that until you've tasted the bitterness and sourness of failure, you will never be able to truely understand and experience the sweetness of success. For someone who has experience how it feels like to be at the bottom will really saviour the wonderful feeling of success.

In life it is just impossible that we are always at to top of all things because as Murphy stated "All the things that can go wrong, will go wrong" so there will always be ups and downs in life... accept it.. deal with it...

It's ok to fail but more importantly is what did you take from your failure. I've been thru the valley of failure thus i vowed to myself that i'll never go there again, i do not want to experience that "hell" again. So i will do the best that i could to avoid that, and to avoid failure is to continue to improve. Leave failure further and further from you but must always prepare yourself for suprises as failure could take a shortcut somewhere and pop up right in front of you again. But that is life... take it and let it be, take the key learnings and then walk away.

To my friend who is reading it, Success sometimes takes and requires a chance but failure are not forever ...

Rush... rush

2010-02-13T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today us the eve of CNY which can be a very important date. All family members are (usuall) required to be back for the reunioun dinner so everyone is in a rush to get home.

It was ~4am on the North-South highway and i saw the same thing i saw last Raya... tonnes and tonnes of cars. Instead of a long long highway it looked more like the normal highway in KL during a busy weekend. Thank god i'm travelling in the opposite direction. I've pick up the habit of driving during the off peak hours, usually after 2am. Talking which... i'm kinda sleepy now.. need to catch some Zzz so i won't doze off tomorrow... hehe nitz

Ooppsieee

2010-02-11T21:48:00.001+08:00

Damn it's been too long since i wrote something that my bloggie start to get spams ... ok i think i'll use my CNY holiday to post a lot of stuff about a lot of things that has been long on my mind... see who will win, my laziness or my determination hahahhaa so if u dun see any post in the couple of days then u'll know the results...

Back to work ... sigh ....

English lesson

2010-02-05T07:48:00.001+08:00

Engineer /'anjing liar'/

Synonyms: a form of trash, a nobody, an overworked under paid profession

Meaning: someone who takes in $hit that nobody wants and cleans, turn them into something else that everyone thinks they want with the only reward is NOT to get screwed by the person who started the $hit in the first place

'09 ... The ending...

2009-12-23T09:34:00.001+08:00

Christmas is coming near
Following next is the New Year
Nevertheless I still wonder why I am here
Complain when nobody wants to hear

Christmas carol should be widely reciting
Yet most I heard are people resigning
What is the norm that I am seeing?
People who are not happy should just be leaving?

Being here and losing my mood
Not sure is this due to the holiday groove
Hope this holiday will bring me some good
Hope in the New Year things will improve

Looking back through my ’09 resolution
Where of my days were spend in this frozen dungeon
Wondering how many of those that I’ve complete
Somehow I think none of them is being meet

This should be the last poem of the year
Has not been much writing and not much to cheer
I’ve been know as many things yet not Shakespeare
Glad I did not chose writing as my career :)

From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet

WORDS

2009-12-04T20:46:00.004+08:00

I've not done this is awhile but i hv the sudden umph to edit the lyrics of this song.... hope u guys enjoy it...

Edited from Words by BoyZone

~~Words~~ Work
Work, an everlasting work
This work can bring death nearer to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
My boss just said that to me

Verse:
This world has lost it's glory
There won’t be any story
Now my friend
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say...

Chorus:
It's only work
And work are all I have
To drain my life away

Craps, in everlasting work
And dedicate them all, to me
And it will drain you of your life
It’ll drain it if it should call to you
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say...

CHORUS, repeat

Da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da

repeat VERSE
repeat CHORUS twice

To leave or not to leave? That is the question....

2009-11-19T23:05:00.003+08:00

Sigh... and no i am not opting to resign from "I" so don't mis-quote me...

I'm sighing this time is because of my stupid leaves. I'm begining to think that this damn company (else this dept) of mine is not allowing me to take any days of leave at all.

My first time applying for leave was during Aug 2008 where i've planned and made reservation to go to Bangkok with my friends, and for that few days of leaves i ended up almost quarreling with my coordinator and my supervisor.

The second time i applied for leave was during my brother's ROM, it was on a friday. At the same night, on Friday, i recieve a call from my manager asking me whether is it possible for me to go back to work the next day. I went "I'm now in KL, and I have things to do tomorrow" yet my manager is not very "keen" with my answer so it was another "sigh" moment... But i was lucky that during my brother's wedding i could attend it with a peace of heart....

On my forth time if leave application, it was an emergency leave. The leave was to attend my grnadmother's funeral, and again i need to reply to some urgent emails asking me to deliver some data. In the end, i have to take a quick leave after the service and take the next bus back and get back to work the next day, assuming that nothing happened.

So this will be my fifth time applying for leave... i told my supervisor of my leave intention and even sent her a list on the days i wish to be on leave. After not receiving a YES or NO from her i decided to ask her for it and then... just then my manager came out and say, "I wish to lock down all the leave until end of the year" and the first thing that come to my mind was... WTF~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!! NOT AGAIN~~~~~~!!!!!!!!! I plan to attend a wedding of my uni mate followed by my ex colleague and most importantly the wedding of my closest friend, all those seems so far away now thanks to the stupid schedule pulled in.

DAMN it why can't i take leave like normal employees do? It is not my fault that the schedule get pulled in, hey i plan to take leave a few months ago and back then the bloody project was still trending WW52... And now it got pulled in, you are sacrifing us?? What happen to planning? With this kind of planning, how could you still question my planning? DAMNIT !%&)(!$!%&&*) I'm really starting to think that the only way i can take a leave like a normal person is either i resign from this dept (or company) or i'm dead sick that i can't even walk. Else i will never be able to take a good day of leave for self enjoyment...

P/S: I'm having so much frustration bottled up inside me, i feel like i'm going to blow and i have my manager to thank for this mount of frustration....... YEA .. U.... with a finger pointing at U

5 , 10, 15 years plan?

2009-11-13T07:54:00.004+08:00

The future... something that seems so distant yet so close; something that feels so imaginary yet is real; something so unpredictable yet so anticipated.... i can go on braging but basically you catch my drift.

Been having a lot chat with my friends lately and one distingush topic that can't seems to escape is the topic of "My life as an engineer... ... sux" so much so that i think i can begin to compile a book on a million and one reason why NOT to be an engineer. Which very indirectly made me to think... do i still want to be an engineer after 5 years? If yes, what about 10 years later?

Don't get me wrong, i still like what i'm doing so i've no problem gulping down all those dead cats, dancing in the wok or swimming in hot water but the main question remain... for how much more longer? Of my friends here agreed that engineer is not a good line of work, the name is good and the starting (this needs to be highlighted as this is the only benifit i see as an engineer) pay is just great but in the long run... well if you done the math, you ain't going to stay there for the money.

I have a friend who has lost his "umph" to continue as an engineer and want to take up lecturing, and this is the most "professional" answer that i've got. All my other friends are more to the financial side of the picture:- one who want to go into investment as an career; another wish to quit and just go back to the family business; one who want to quit and start his own business; and i even have a friend who wants to start a business even before begining practicing. It's all 'bout the money ~~ it's all 'bout the dum dum .... .... ....

So what is there left for me ?? I've not thought about not doing engineering, i've not thought about starting a business... i've not even put much thought about my future for crying out loud... sigh... I'm a good employee till now but will that forever be my path? Just another employee?? Ohhhh~~ the dilemma

Drifting apart

2009-11-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

It seems to me that i've been there and yet not there for awhile now. I can't help but to feel that i'm drifting further away from my peers at work, not all of them but most of them i think... Could it be due to my boss or it is just me? I'm getting more serious and less idiotic lately, and the more serious i am the further apart i feel. A colleague of mine used to chat with me a lot but lately we hardly speak to each other .... and this symptome seems to be expanding to my other colleagues, one by one... Is this my fault?? Sigh .... I guess i'm bounded to be Mr Lonely ...

Dumb or insufficient knowledge?

2009-11-04T21:23:00.003+08:00

Through a freaky accident i've triggered my boss's interest in me. Since the first day i've join this dept till yesterday, my manager has not shown any interest in my everyday ongoing but all the sudden it changed... All the sudden he gived me some AR and ask me to get the answer the following day and all the sudden i felt like Jack Bauer. I got 24 hrs to get the answers he wanted ... i was desperate.... and today was round 2, another 24 hrs, another sets of question requiring another sets of answer.

In a way it felt like my boss is helping me to grow by pressuring me so i should feel greatful but on the otherhand i feel stressed and tension by his actions. He is asking me stuff that i have no ideas about and with what ever knowledge that i have i've given it to him but it is still not enough... now i am really scared, i'm scared that i might not be up for this.

Will i survive? I hope i would.... so if u dun see me updating my blog in a very long time, then u know what had happened to me .... .... ...

busy studying la ... not yet die .... i hope hahaha

A fish trip

2009-11-03T23:35:00.006+08:00

Last weekend was a long and nice weekend. It was a trip with my fellow mates for a fish hunt. It is also a part of our belated celebration for Deric... but the food is more important not forgetting it's also a part of our gang's gathering

CK came and ask us to go for a Soon Hock or Marbled Goby trip and we've been planning ever since. Got to the mainland about 230 and by 330 we were already in a cybercafe reliving and reminding ourself what our teenage days were like. We went DotA-ing hehe... and then we were off....

We got to Selama, Perak, lead by CK. I must say he is good in remembering roads. He chose the inner roads and avoided the tolls which means we were now in unfamiliar grounds. Yet he knows exactly where to turn, there is not even a thing we could use as a landmark and he is driving as if he knows it like the back of his hands.

Anyway i'll cut the yapping share the food hehe ...

Soon Hock's meat texture... yummy. Once you bite into it, the meat spreads and it almost feel like crab meat but it's more fine n juicy.. kodus to the cook.

The damage~~ ouch~~

High salary paying job?

2009-10-23T07:31:00.004+08:00

How many of u have this experience... "You're soooooo rich so of course no problem to buy that..." or any equivalent statement. Well i get that a lot and mostly from my own group of friends; i mean hey, if i'm an engineer and your not then i could understand the logic in that since non-engineering field have a lower starting pay but most of the non-engineering field have an exponential increments, have they put that into consideration when they make such statement? Dun think so.... .... Anyway back to my story... if this statement comes from an engineering field friend then .... .... well its kinda frustrated to hear.

Non-engineers will compare their pay with an engineer and will fire a tomahawk at me saying i'm filthy rich; but when it comes to engineers they will compare company and then bombard you with endless rounds ammonition. ~~Sometimes Most of the time~~ ... I just hate it .... Just because i work in "I" it doesn't mean i own a money photocopier.... sigh... Yes, i have OT allowance and most of my engineering friends don't but it's not my fault that mine have OT. If you really wanna add this point to you bullets then the only thing i can say is, you choose the company when you join it so don't flame me on that, it's your mistake. Don't like your pay? Don't like the benefits? Change job lar~~ Don't take your frustration on me, i got a lower paying job too but you didn't see me complain much so why do you want to pin your frustration on me?

To you guys who thinks i have a high paying job then please look here, hey "I" is not even on the list... then try to get a position in any of those company... FYI, if you are interested to knowing the average pay in our lovely country for 2008... http://fit.mmu.edu.my/files/kellysalaryguidemy.pdf

Old, old friends gathering

2009-09-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

It was saturday nite and i was in KL. It would seems to be kinda stupid if i were to stay at home that nite so i decided a friend. After a few phone calls i was asked to go to another friend's bachelor nite. I gived it a thought and had a "what-the-hell" moment, so i went.

When i arrived only i notice how long it has been since i saw some of them, some almost 10 years. And little do i know, i was "invited" the be the wedding buddy, a last minute invitation to an event that i shouldn't decline so i accepted. Well it could be fun, MBS culture again. Later we were all there with beers and some wine there, crapping about all the shit that happen back in the old school days. Damn can't really believe that it's been so, so, so, long ago.

We chit-chatted till 230am before going home to hit the sack before waking up early the next day to give my lil Goldielocks there a quick shower.

Well more updates on our old school dinner next time ..

Laziness ~~

2009-09-18T07:42:00.004+08:00

U know what.. i'm feeling lazy. Lazy cause of the fact it's the holidays again or just i don't feel like doing anything ? I don't know. But i do know i don't want to do anything. I'm trying to make my blog more "entertaining" ... ... ok, i'm going jibberish again.... hahah ..

Just that i've not been updating my blog for a week now. So was thinking whether will i do it during the holidays? Things to crap about ....

Food... tried a mee goreng at Lorong Bangkok in Penang (taste good) and the Coconut Jelly too
Work, bench swapping... #achoooooo# god the dust is phenominal.
MooooV, UP UP and away~~~ (no i'm not talking about Superman)
Farewel, sad story.... sigh...

Another thing i noticed about myself... i like to "haha", in MSN, in IMs and even in blogs.. erm... i think "haha"s are good way of expressing feelings when u don't have words to express or.... u just wanna fill in the blank with somethings without offending others. I dunno.... just a thought.

Will think of some other rubbish to add in later ... after work.... if i hv mood... if i remember ... if.. if... if.... wat the heck .... hahaha ~~ :p

District 9

2009-09-10T00:29:00.003+08:00

It time for me to give another movie comment ... this time it is to the movie District 9. Overall i would give it a 3.8 to 4 out of 5 for story line and for others... ... ... well it is a twist (it seems that my last movie was a twist too) . Again it is Meng who came up with the idea of a movie at around 230 pm TODAY to watch a movie TODAY...

Well if u gonna watch this movie make sure u are on the last row and hope you bring a long plastic bag, just in case u nid to throw up... i got all dizzy after bout 40 mins of the movie, and spend 40% of time rest of the movie with my eyes closed, 20% listening to the plot and the other 20% ACTUALLY watching it.

Please dun get me wrong. The movie plot was actually very good, it's just that i think they need to work on the "presentation" part of the movie... It's way too shakey and too "documentary" haha ... Hey this movie actually scored a "A-" on Yahoo's movie review.

Anyway i dun think this post will mean much since this movie is kinda old...

Endless .... .... ....

2009-09-08T07:23:00.002+08:00

Now before i proceed, i was just wondering whether does any of you will think "This is gotta be one his days at work of endless job etc..." or anything equivalent? I mean i gotta admit i've been bragging about my work for quite some time now, especially on my Facebook and i know it is starting to annoy people. After reading some Facebook related "publications" i think i'll start to be a "smart" Facebook-er and try not to offend anyone there haha.... anyway this post is not about work its about something else.

Well, until yesterday i have received 5 wedding invitations (and the number might add to 6) in the next three months. The best part is, some are across states. I have one in Oct then two in Nov and 2 in Dec. And some of them are back to back... one after another ... According to one of my "invitee", this year is a very good year in the Lunar Calendar and next is a bad year so most people will try to make it in this Lunar Calendar year. All i was able to do was nod and let out a sigh. Two colleagues, two ex-colleagues and another is a best friend. Of the five i've already agreed to attend at least 2 and it is not even my best friend's dun think i can say no to that righ; anyway should i go to agree to all?? It's a financial burden u know... and yet it is a once in a lifetime event so i shouldn't miss it either...

What should i do??? If i agree to all then it would be a Perak - Penang - KL - Muar - KL trip... supported by a back to back dinner then it would be a mind and body taxing event too. Dilemma...

I'm bored~

2009-09-06T11:42:00.004+08:00

Nothing is new here.. yea, i'm bored and always have been for quite some time now so i went to search on something on the world wide web for a topic that has been going on for some time ... ... basically is about me, or should i say things said about me...

Girls
Girls 2

Hahaha ... no, i just simply do it out of curiousity and for fun. Its kinda educational in a way. I know a lot stuff althought not on all topic but this is topic that i have no knowledge about. Sigh.... i could blame myself for not going to "learn" it but.... well i dunno.

Work has been very much about me since it is the only place where i can feel the appreciation and sense of belongingness. And like all things, all good things must come to an end, and when it does i will go from a appreciated person back into a nobody. So due to this reason, i like working, i like being involved in projects, it is the only time where people knows that i'm alive. I guess this is due to the bad experience back in my secondary school days and it got futher amplified as i reach college where people will come looking for me when they have issues and bark at me when i'm unable to deliver also forgets me when issues is resolved.

YES~~ I'm a peon and as Bluewindz like to put it, i'm an Bangla... ermmm let me upgrade myself, i'm an Titanium Bangla.

Addiction

2009-09-06T01:52:00.003+08:00

Yea... i'm addicted to something nowadays... I usually spend my weekends at home watching youtubes and usually looking for some documentary and i got addicted to MythBuster then it was MonsterSearch then MegaStructure, er.. there was somethings on Ancient Civilation and Ancient Warriors well the list goes on.

Anyway my new addiction is still related to videos... now it's TED talks. I was first introduced to the talk via a friend's link in facebook but it was from youtube. Later thanks to Anupam who told me of th official site to the TED talks and since then i would visit the site few times a week looking for some interesting talks. The talks are nice and educational since the speakers are really good in what they do. So if u ever nid something to stimulate your mind, i would personally recomend it.

ROM??

2009-09-03T23:04:00.003+08:00

This seems to be a very new word to me. All this while the only ROM i knew was Read Only Memory, now it has evolved into another word that is so foreign to me that it is almost alien... Registration of Marrige. Hahahahahahhahahhahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ....

Please excuse my rudeness. I can't help but to feel helpless when i see this word. It just seems to foreign to me and yet it's been popping up here and there. My colleague registered last year and is getting married this year and then another close buddy of mine just attended his own ROM with another good friend of mine, and ... well just a lot of ROMs and marrige going on and i can't help to feel that it is just the begining....

This just got me thinking.... as many ROM and marrige that i see and heard, i have seen and heard my fair share of death and sickness too. Quoting from a Chinese series "How many tenth of years do we have in life?" which is quite true... i always tell people life should be lived not endured but look at me. Am i living life or enduring it?

Birth - growing up - career - love - family - death

A simple cycle yet i see so many is unable to fulfill it. Maybe the simpliest things in life are the hardest to accomplished. I'm building my career and i've almost lost touch with family and the "best" part is that death just seems not so far away nowadays. I've passed the first two stage... and like the song goes...where is the luv~~ ... where is the luv ~~ the luv ~~ the luv

In the end...

2009-09-03T22:06:00.002+08:00

Well this is actually a back post... a back post about my grandmother's funeral. Yea.. funeral... a funny topic i would say. I remember some years ago when i met an old friend and we came to a common topic which is death. During our old school days we do not care much about money other than how should we spend it. But as time goes by there comes the topic such as love, work, money, weddings and death. Anyway... ...

At my grandmother's funeral, she had a Christian funeral btw, the final few steps we took together was at her church. There was the service by the father and everyone was in the church and listning. As usual whenever i am in a holy place i would start to feel uneasy as i will start to think about something about everything and i will end up with a blured mind. This time i didn't went that far (at least i wasn't blurred), i was thinking about things i would say etc.

Anyway at the end of the service, we pay our last (at least for me) to her. We lined up and as we walk out the church we would stop by her coffin. As the pace was kinda slow as we are walking out, i had time to start to feel the enviroment. By the time i reach the coffin, again all i said was "good bye and rest well" and as i reach the exit i felt tears building up. And this time i feel it... i felt the sadness and the grief, i felt tears. Something i haven't really felt in a very long time.

After minutes of sadness and grief... i stopped, i calmed myself and minutes later i'm back to normal.... anyway i didn't follow everyone till the end as i need to rush back to Penang.

CRAP~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! %&^(!&)^&^&)(!^&

2009-08-26T06:34:00.004+08:00

Dammit... as i was leaving my house i dented my car again... the bloody place has such sharp corners and usually i would hv avoided it but what this time i missed?? CRAP~~~!!!!!! When i arrive in the lab i accidently knock on my probes and broke another of a very scarce ... double crap... damnit damnit damnit... what a way to start of my week at work...

need to flush this out of my system to avoid me burning up people to a cinder with my fiery breath of death... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

LIFE SUX~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All over...

2009-08-24T14:18:00.003+08:00

Sunday... at approx 840am my dad told me that grandma is gone. I was at their hotel room in Penang since they came up to pray for my aunt who passed away in 2004 together with my cousins. I was not stunned or do i feel suprised, it was slightly more than an "ohh.." moment but there was no sadness there. And to make the story even better, dad says he heard grandpa telling him that he is taking grandma along with him. Spooky?? Well it's family so i can't say that it is spooky.

We arrived at Kek Lok Si and then i decided to inform my bosses about the incident and that i need to take off from Penang to attend the funeral. It was after i send the sms and that i recieved the reply from my colleague where i start to feel a slight tear in my eye. Although it didn't form big enough to drop or drool down my cheeks but i know it was there. At that moment i did feel sad but it was just for a very short moment so short that when i noticed that it is there, it was all gone. The unfinish droplet suddenly dried up and i was back to normal. After our short prayer, i send dad n mum back to the hotel to get their stuff and then i went back to my house to get my laptop then we are off, back to KL.

Later that night we went to Klang where her body is there. There was not many of the family there. From what i know, she has seen everyone that she wanted to see but she still miss something. She missed the moment to see "the family", she has only seen the members but she has not seen the family as the family. She hung there for a week, fighting and struggling, and just before everyone was able to make it back in time. The "train" left. She was gone. According to Sonya she was crying the night before she "go" tears keep rolling down her cheeks, maybe she knew she is at her limit, that she could not hold any longer... i guess those are the tears of dissapointment, tears of regret, tears of un-fulfilment.

I went to her coffin just before i left and i looked at her, through the glass window. At that moment, i feel a weight, a weight weighing down on me from within. It is slightly heavy, it was slightly burden, it was some sort making me a little heavy on my breathing. Unlike how i felt last time in front of grandpa, this time there is no negetive feeling in me. Over at grandpa i felt bad for not appologizing for some of the things i said and done, but in front of grandma there was nothing. Except for the "heavy" feeling there was nothing else. And unlike other aunt whom pass away bout 3 years back there was no sadness.

Before i leave i just say in my heart. Rest now grandma....

I wonder how would i feel later at her funeral tomorrow. I'll take the next bus back to Penang and hopefully able to make it in time to go back to the lab to do some work. Has work dulled my senses??

Hope u r alright...

2009-08-17T19:26:00.010+08:00

Just got a sms from my bro not long ago... he say that one of our cousin is saying that grandma is in critical condition... .... seriously... i do not know how to react. I'm still in the lab helping my GT out with some board issue and at the same time i got this news which is kinda disturbing. How should i react? What should i do? What could i do?

Here i am again in a large cold room with nobody else but me, is this a good setting for me to be in right now??? But frankly it would be much of a difference too even if i am with a bunch of friends i guess... when i got this news i could have easily shared it with my GT who is sitting right next to me, but i didn't ... i chose to held it in and act like nothing happened and said totally nothing... ...

Had just finish my dinner and i'm suppose to continue with my work but i really do feel disturb by this news (that is why i'm writting this blog i guess).... I'm miles and miles away so i know there is nothing that i can do so no point for me to be disturbed right? Come to think of it, grandma has not been in very good shape since last year so being in critical condition should not come as a suprise right? So for me trying to feel normal should be normal, right?? But it's family, regardless how far away you are, as long as you know that a family member is not in a good shape you have your share of sadness and worries, right? Why am I slapping my right hand with my left hand here... I'm making statements that contradicts everything... ...

Seriously i do not hope to get any suprises from my brother again tonight.... or any other night ... ... hope you are alright grandma ... ... ....

Edited at 8.48pm: I'm at home now, can't get over what i just wrote here so i decided to add in a few more words. I should be feeling sad and worried now but i don't think i'm feeling that but i do feel confused. Confused at why am i feeling confused instead of worried... why is that? What is wrong with me? Have i lost my ability to feel again? Another confusing night in the corrupted mind of the Leech.

Internal flame

2009-08-16T10:03:00.005+08:00

This is actually what happen about a week ago... an incident that fuel me up so much that i feel like i can do a "scorched earth" on Bayan Lepas with relative ease. Let me go into some background before i continue my bullet bombardment. There was a task that was originally assigned to me but it was later given to "the-person-whose-name-should-not-be-spoken" or TPWNSNBS (wow even in short the name is still damn long haha... let's cut the name shorter ... ok.. i'll just call it as "It" hahahaha) to handle. For me it was blessing since i had my hands tied then.

Time pass ... .... ...

Then shyt happens... "It" suddenly say that "It" is feeling too tension causing "It" to fall sick and do not wish to continue the task. So out of the blue i have to take the task back and continue working on it, which during that time i was still ok with it. So i worked on it and try to finish what ever loose ends available.

Few days later ... ... hell broke loose again, at least from my end.

All the sudden "It" says "It" want to take back the task and continue where "It" has left of... Seriously when i got the news i was feeling so angry, WTH~~ when u wan it, u take it; when u don't feel like it, u just throw it away? (sorry for my choice of words here) Fuk U ~~~~~~~~~ I'm not a ball where you can throw me around wherever and whenever you want. To makes matter worse "It" wish to test my EQ and ask to talk about this matter... damn i still need to put on a smiley face to discuss about something i'm so enrage about.

I can work with anyone regardless of their attitude and personality or how much i dislike them as long as they perform professionally at work. This is something i instill within myself and i've always perform to my best on this matter; but since you can't even give me the pleasure of treating you professionally as a professional then do not blame me for treating you as a slob as you are from now onwards. This is not the first time you perform un-professionally and i seriously doubt this will be the last either. How can people (i'm soooo tempted to use the word slime) survive here? Damn it.. life is so unfair.

Life of boringness

2009-08-15T22:16:00.006+08:00

I just had a thought today... a thought that doesn't seems to be too nice on my ... er... ... ego?? The thought was... ...

Am I a boring person??

I asked 2 person this question today and both of them give me a confirmed "Yes". One of them was a good and very close "more-than-friend" friend and another was someone who have just know me for less than a month. I've basically went from misleading to interesting to, basically who i am today, plain boring. I just notice that all i ever talk about nowadays y have something to do with work.

I mean about 2 weeks ago i attended a gathering organized and attended by my GT along with other GTs in PDC and at most of the time there i stood there like an idiot. I can't find any interesting topic to talk or could i cook up some stupid jokes like i always have ... i was just there like and idiot... and thinking back it was kinda odd for me to show up too... why did i showed up?

What have happen to the Leech? The leech who can talk from sun rise to sun set on virtually anything on everything. What happen to gift of the gab that i once had? What happen to cooking up topics just to get the ball rolling ?? What happen to all that? What happend to me?? The Leech.... what the ... ... ... ...

Have i been too involved in work that i've lost most, if not all, of my communcation skills? I've lost touch with the world so much that i don't even know what is going on outside the four walls of my lab and house. Damn this is a painful thought.

Just damn.... sigh

Seriously ... i need a life... i spend so much time at work and when i'm NOT at work i'm at home either gaming my day away or login to the VPN and working from home ... and again... work... Am i that "responsible" or am i just that too serious with work or am i just plain stupid? I really need to get out more, smell the poisonous gas of carbon monoxide of the streets of Penang more, crap... i just need to get out. And arriving at this point of my blog i seems to start blabbering away again ... this is another thing i notice bout myself... i tend to talk like a 70 year old grandfather lately... always blabbering about this and that ... damn, damn, damn.... i better stop before i extend my blog with another thousand words talking about rubbish... nitez ...

The hardship of work

2009-08-11T07:40:00.002+08:00

The Hardship of Work

The tides has come and fade away
And I can't stop to wonder why I stay
Is this what I seek in life?
To work to slave and to learn to strife

Most I know work from 9 to 5
Yet I work from dawn to mid-night sky
Ever wonder what it worth?
To think about this make things worse

I vowed that I won't stay late
I vowed that I'll control my working state
But what I vowed I can't commit
As my workload seems to see no peak

A Pandora's box I have open
Leading my misery to grow worsen
Is this the price to climb the stairs?
To work my ass off and yet nobody cares

Will my contribution be seen and appreciate
Or will I be thrown aside and left to depreciate
I should speak up to be heard and to be seen
Else I might be thrown behind the scene

Can't help to wonder what bosses sees?
Am I an individual or something among the flea
If there is no future here for me to foresee
Then I'll take my bags cause it's time to flee

- From the pages of the Pathetic Poet -

Fish out of water

2009-08-02T00:43:00.005+08:00

I think we all have that moment before, the moment where you would shout in your inner mind "What the hell are you doing here??!!" and "What have you got yourself into??". Well i had just one of this evening just today. There was this little gathering organized by the GTs and accidently i got myself invited to it. Initially i thought it could be fun, i mean going to met new people and stuff, something that i've not done in a very long time.

But least to my expectation is that... well i'm old. I no longer have the gift of the gab and i no longer able to mingle freely among the them as easily as i once could. Could it be because i'm kinda tense lately, thus making me a little isolated? I don't know. Going there and i found out that the youngest member is only 23 and i'm 26. Is there a gap between us? Hope not.

Anyway we ate and chit chat a little but most of the time i was just there standing, if it weren't for FR i might have died of loneliness and solitude. I enjoyed my time there but at the same time i feel odd... if there is another of such event, should i join ??

P/S no picture from me today... i took a few shots but it's still in my camera and i'm kinda lazy to upload it just yet... but come to think of it i might not post them either.... herm...

Hell of a headache

2009-07-30T23:46:00.003+08:00

Damn... been having this headache since 2+ / 3 and it's has been nothing but trouble yet i need to keep working till 11pm coz my pending data. Feeling so confused that i can hardly think straight. I am so envious of those people that can OOP just because they are having headache, and i can't help but to wonder.... .... can i do the same? I wish... i really do wish i could but i know i can't.

Execution - paper work - review - meeting - provide training - execution - paper work - review - meting - provide training -

this is my life for the pass 2 weeks and all the sudden i was told that i need to train another guy and all i could feel at that specific moment was "WTF???" i'm kinda having my hands tied now and i hardly have time to provide proper training to my GT. I have to resort throwing something for my GT to try to figure out, to keep occupied so i may kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Seriously i feel bad for not providing proper training but i'm being held down by paperwork, which can be a hassel and with this headache of mine, its a chaos... damn i can hardly think now... gtg... ciao

Frustration with a name

2009-07-27T23:52:00.009+08:00

Before i continue further i think i should point this out

How many of you guys (and gals) out there knows my name's "proper" pronunciation ?
How many of you knows the correct spelling to my name?
How many of you answered Yes to both question?

and the final question... ...

How sure are you?

I've been working in "I" for more than 14 months now and through out this 14 months i have been mistaken as someone else, misunderstood and misinformed on and about a lot of stuff. How should i know there is another guy with the same name spelling as i am. Mine is already very odd, i can't believe there is another with the same spelling and we are in the same compony and same building.... but that was years ago but till today i will still get some off-track emails that should be for "him" instead of me...

Above all that, what i could not stand is that i've been answering to a name that is not even mine to begin with for 14 months. Sometimes i cant help but to wonder, what have i done to the nurse who wrote my name on my birth certificate? What sin have i done to her/him, that s/he have to make me suffer till my dying day? Or should i put the blame on my parents for not correcting it sooner?

Throughout my days, i've been told by my parents that my name is pronounced as Hoe (or Ho) then why is there an additional O in my name? I've been correcting people about my name all my life, and i've always introduced myself as Chee Hoe (or Ho, so don't make me start grumbling again about this shit) but what is it that everyone and i do seriously mean EVERYONE still get ot wrong here in Penang? I don't think i have this problem back in KL so why here in PG ?? WHY???

Most of the time, if not all of the time, i would prefer they to address me as CH or Leech or even Tiger as some EV-ians like to call, at least they get the name right but why not my name? It is getting very frustrating. How would you feel if the someone keeps calling some other name and you keep have to response to it? To some of you it may be okay but to me... my name is the thing i care the most next to family. It is a gift from my parents to me, so i'm going to honor and protect it with my life? May be this has been a reason why i've put 120% effort in all the things that bears my name or symbol. I've tried to ignore it but this has gone on for much, much too long. It has to end... and to end it shall.

Home-cooked-meal-day

2009-07-26T21:28:00.006+08:00

A break from my usual gloomy and sadist post. Today i'll talk about something that i think most of you will not believe or try not to believe. Its sunday and i decided to play "cook your own meal" .

Basically i decided to cook my own meal coz i spend quite a lot yesterday and i REALLY need to clear my old stock. It's been a month since i bought all those food. Anyway instead of my usual instant noodle meal, i've been cooking up something healthier (at least there is not so much artificial flavour)

First up... my lunch

What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cocktail sausages
Egg

The taste?
Edible lar ... although it's a little dry (note to self, need to work on how to make it not so dry)

And for dinner ....

What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cheese
Almost overdue Cameron tomato
Dried tomato and onion flavoured tuna

The taste?
Of course edible... the tuna cost me RM 7+, this is my most expensive meal i've ever cooked to date.

So you guys still see me at work at tomorrow then you'll agree with me that it is edible, right? :p

Lunch as an ... ... ...

2009-07-25T00:15:00.002+08:00

Arh... i'm finally at the comfort of my home, er... i think.... #yawwnnnn~~~~# Another 7-11 day again in the office. Anyway back to my lil' post of the day.

Had lunch with the new members today and of all the identity i go as, i went as an "intern" hahaha... Yupz, they introduced me as an intern in their dept and i went along with it all the wayyyyyy. Cant believe i still can to pull it off, but i did make some mistakes like thinking too hard (i'm chairing a meeting after lunch), and knowing too much about company "I".

Over at lunch, i am very suprised at the amount of people that came, we basically have 5 tables which is about 20 person showed up. It is really a wonder how good friends they are, may be from uni and may be from their training classes but i can't say the same for me. At least after the end of my N.E.O. and my training i am still a nobody among all the new the members from my batch... and after a year, i'm still a nobody.

Anyway, overall it is a fun lunch they had some good jokes and i too played along. One of their friend did ask my buddy about where is her buddy. I was there yet i was not hahaha ... fun ~~

RM6 worth of entertaiment

2009-07-23T00:19:00.003+08:00

By the looks of the title i guess you would have guessed that it is a movie and it is a movie. Yes, as "kayu" as i am, i still go for movie, if asked that is hehehe... (hey i'm an introvert person).

We went for a add hog movie, well we basically decided to go for a movie at around 7 and decided on the movie on the based on possible seats available. The show we selected, Obsessed. How should i rate this movie ... erm... gimme a minute... ... ... ... (5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... ( yet another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (and another )
... ... ... ... (and another )
.. ... ... ... (and... well u get the picture hahahaha )

Well to wrap it up, it is a RM6 worth of movie, AM and I concluded that if you were to pay RM10 for it then you'll start using foul words as soon as you leave the cinema till you fall asleep. BUT if you pay RM6 for the movie, you would think that it is a new flavor. Well the movie plot is not exactly what you would expect from a cinema-grade movie so it's kinda refreshing. Yet again, it shouldn't have been a cinema-grade movie in the first place (this is totally my personal P.O.V.) it looks like some plot that would come from T.V.B series.

Oops... hope this post won't cause a decline in tickets hehehehe ... but what the heck the money to goes into my pocket anyway so .. .. .. who cares :p

The Masked Rider - Leech version

2009-07-21T22:41:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda squeezing my head here .... erm... well, it's something like this. I was just about to pack my bag and leave and then i got an IM from a counterpart from some other site asking me to check something... damn it's 6+ and he ask me to check something for him on my side. Without any from of hesitation i agreed to do the request since it is job related and the closure is around the corner. While workin on the thing i start to notice on my surrounding... it's so empty.

blurrrrrr ####

Well forget about what i wrote above... basically i just wanna say i'm feeling kinda empty now. I'm all alone is the house, two of my housemates are still at work, another has went to bed and here i am in the living hall blogging. Nobody on my messenger list that will drop me a nudge for a chat, nobody there who i feel like chatting with ... sigh.... this is kinda like the feeling last night as i was going to bed. I twisted and turned multiple time, unable to fall asleep. Then i really do feel like calling someone up for a chat... anyone at all... may be not anyone ... but someone... yet i can't think of anyone ... ... no one ... at all... ... ... .. . .. . . . . ..

Seriously, i think i need some help here. I really need to learn how to de-prioritize my work and re-prioritize on myself. I'm starting to think that i might actually loose my communication skills and my verbal edge. I need to enrich my "vocabulary" not only in english and chinese, but also in my "rubbish-generating" mind.

er.... i think i'm off track again.... sigh.... ... ....

All the sudden i got the urge to call someone up for a chat... but... i can't think of anyone. I think i got a lot of stuff jumble up and it is stocked and stacked in such a way, it is so condense and it's blocking the flow of words.

Solitude
Magnitude
Attitude
Dispute
er.... any other words that rhyme with that???

Risk n responsibilities

2009-07-21T00:07:00.003+08:00

Why did i left my last job?

That was among my question i asked in one of those "How well u know ... " quiz and to those who attempt it would have know the answer to that by now. So that leads me here ... I came to Penang to join "I" for a gamble... i always ask myself this "Would you give up something you know you want for something you think you want?" How much would you gamble for an uncertaintenty?

I took the gamble... I've given up my place at KayEll, my friends and my family there to come here for a gamble. A gamble saying that this is what i want, this is what i enjoy doing... but another question arise from my actions from yester-years, today.... is this what i wanted? I wanted a piece of the pie and now, i might actually get a slice of it... or should i say 14 pieces of it.

Am i biting off something that i can't even chew? Usually i would have no doubt in myself in work but this time it really borthers me but today there are two things that clouds my judgement of myself. First and foremost is the fact that i'm on "I" where the smartest of the smart works and deliver (or that is what they say), am i even qualify to hold a candle to them? YS, YY, CL, KS, MH... and the list goes on, they are the among the godlike people that i know at work. Where will i stand when i'm put in line with them or will i just be another piece of "something" after a stampede?; and secondly, am i really ready to take up all 14 of these baskets ?

Something CS said today over Facebook which does give me a keyhole to what my future might hold. Hours and hours of endless overtime with endless issues and debug and all alone in a big and empty freezer of solitude; that is what i've gotten myself into and this is the outcome of my little gamble. Give me victory or give me death... i guess this is the only thing i can tell myself now. Unless i try i will never know ~~

Trans-Am fullburst mode - ikimas~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 - 11, is that what life is all about?

2009-07-14T23:58:00.004+08:00

Arh... life... i've been having this 7 - 11 life for quite awhile now and i'm still practicing it even though i'm tired like an arse...

Today seems to be a good day to write something... i mean thought of something that i really need to keep in mind.

Bout half hour ago i was still in the lab doing this stupid rework, which could have been done by other team but for god knows why, it got stuck to me ... and all my work done previously during the weekends just went down the drain so beside my fame quote of "WTH~~" i have no other comment... sigh....

Then bout 20 mins ago as i was leaving the company compound in my car, i was listening to the radio and heard sometime rather funny and "educational". The radio announcer was telling bout a story bout a guy who kept on saying "I'm bout to die soon and you are #blah blah blah #" or "I'm bout to die soon and i am #blah blah blah #". He was at a function and the chairman is having a ball of a time yapping away his "wonderful speech" and this guys started saying I'm bout to die soon and i'm here listening to this guy, i've just lost another 2 hours with my wife" But the fact is that this guy is very healthy, he could take his time over a buffet dinner, go for a walk in the part etc... he just choose to live life to the max doing the things he likes and enjoy. This some how reflect onto me where i spend so much time in the office so what about me? I'm going to die soon too... but i'm still in the office working my pants off... tis could proof to be an issue.

Later bout 10 mins ago, i was still listening to the same radio station and the same radio announcer was talking about this person who is rather famous (is a chinese author) who wrote a story bout her mother. The mother always calls her up asking her to come back home and since she is working in a place so far, far away, she seldoms goes back to visit. The mother would keep calling rushing her to come back and she would give excuses that she's busy with work and all... the mother even ask her the lie to the boss saying that she has cancer and has bout 6 months to live but in return she got a small lecture from the daughter on this and this also reminded them of the old times when she doesn't want to go to school. Later the mother went to town to pay her a visit, and the mother took the cheapest bus available which was packed and smelly and with her was a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables from the farm back home. To the author she could not understand how her mother was able to kept it so well preserved even in such condition and she concluded, wherever there are mothers, there are always miracles.

Anyway the story continues that the mother kept on pushing that the author took the time to go back and spend some quality time with the mother. The mother would spend every minute of her time with the daughter, talking and sharing even right before she goes to sleep at night she would have a small smile on her face. But 2 weeks later she got a call from her aunt telling her mom was sick, she went back thinking it was a trick like last time but at the bus station her mother was not to be seen. When she got back the aunt told her that right after she called, her mom has already "left" but she left smiling, knowing that she has spend her last happy moments with her beloved daughter. And her mother indeed had cancer and indeed only have 6 months to live.

Well listening to this story i really do felt sad and all... a part of me knew of the ending it would bring but i kept sitting there in my car listening. It seems like the inner me wish for me to listen and i did. From all these events today it has brought me to think about life. We often spend too much time working that we ignored bout ourself and we opt to spend more time for ourselves. But little do we know that for the little time we spend on ourselves, we spend even less time for our beloved ones, namely our parents, our family.

Is work really that important that it worth sacrificing your life and the life of your loved one? This question coming from a guy who works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week seems to carry little, if non at all, any weight. But it does make one thing... ... is it worth it? I know i'll be thinking of these for the next few days and in about 2 weeks time i would have return to the old me... 16 hours shift again but at least i stopped and smell the coffee today ... ... food for thought.

Smooth sailing~~

2009-06-05T07:47:00.003+08:00

I'm very supprise by the flow of traffic this morning... i can almost count the amount of cars on the road. This is most suprising but i strongly believe this can and will change after 4pm hahah... i got a feeling the jam will be so great u'll regret you go up the bridge... ... ... which is what i'll be doing later today :'(

Wish me luck~~~ hopefully it will only be for an hour sigh~~

The EVil within

2009-06-03T07:53:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling the darker side of me taking over lately. Few days ago, i almost caused a bike to crash into me and when the guy showed me the "finger" and instead of showing the "i'm-sorry" hand, i showed the thumbs-up.... that guy was so furious that he almost got down the bike to hit me but the thing is... ... i'm not even worried about that during that instant. I was still cool about it and not even feeling guilty about almost causing an accident. I root cause it to two items that contributed to me acting this way.

There was a bloody car parked on the road which took up 3/4 of the 2nd lane which i've really gotten SOooooo fed up with;
He showed me the "finger", if he were to show the "WTF" or the "WTH" gesture i think i would have still say i'm sorry..

At another incident, i almost lashed out at my colleague for a small issue that i've almost and nearly accepted and i still don't know why i reacted the way i reacted. But the fact that i reacted is that i still unable to totally accept it right?

Was kinda wondering... ... what cause me to have my dark side appearing ?? stress?? i wonder... ... ... ...

Sleepy~~~

2009-06-01T13:15:00.002+08:00

I had a wonderful weekend last week, i spend so much time doing other things and as a result I had so little sleep that have a pair of bags that is deep enough to put my laptop. What is the meaning of this? I remember telling myself that I want to have a healthier lifestyle, but in the end ... ... ... =p

Let's see... slept at 2am on Friday, 5am on Saturday and again 2am on Sunday and today is Monday~~~~ yippie~~ and today's fashion is a sleepy look on monday blues hahahahaha (I wonder whether will this ever be a fashion trend someday.... ) . Why am I blogging now? Well basically i'm suppose to work but I can't seems to concentrate on my job and since I'm going to be ideal sitting here I might as well make my fingers move more since EH said that I haven't been updating my blog lately.

Well basically nothing happen much lately so there aren't much interesting stuff to put in so ... ... ... and not forgetting I'm lazy haha... and somehow I got back my DotA mood again ... sigh~

Intern?

2009-05-26T22:57:00.002+08:00

Haha... this was a thought i had in mind recently...

Was really thinking, if i were to tell people that i'm an intern, will anyone believe me?? Hey i'm not old so it shouldn't be that hard to swallow if i were to tell people that i'm intern right? =p

Hey it's just a thought...

Lonely Boloney~

2009-05-26T07:29:00.003+08:00

Damn.... i'm having that feeling again ... that feeling of emptiness and endless boredom. Really hate this feeling and to contribute to this i am kinda lazy to work too so i can't drown myself in work to overcome this.... sigh~ ~ ~

I think i know what contribute to this... or at least partially ... ... i've been having an empty MSN list haha... dispite having a relatively long list of contact on my MSN but there is hardly anyone whom i can or want to talk to; and there seems to nobody who wanna talk to me, do i need to establish first contact ?? ... double sigh~ ~ ~

Maybe i should do what Ernie been doing, simply nudge anyone who appears online on the list just to establish a first contact and see who replies... but this leads to another problem, is not like i wanna talk to everyone on my list... triple sigh??? sigh~ ~ ~

hehe... i guess i shouldn't blog too long... dun wanna get caught :p

The Leech - M.I.A

2009-05-18T22:06:00.006+08:00

Hi hi~~

To those who has been following my bloggie, you would have notice that i've been missing for quite some (well long to be exact) time. And yes a lot had happen and there are tonnes of things i wanna talk about blah blah blah... well i will try to get to those "blah blah bah" stuff asap (if i can still remember them :p) but tonight... tonight i think i'll try to remind myself the things that had happen.

Well definately May has not been a good month for me, too much negetive stuff been happening to me and it has really brought me down for the count and believe me, at those times i really feel like giving up but i know i can't...

Let's break them up so i can remember them more clearly next time when i try to recall... my PC's PSU went flat and 2 weeks later my table fan went and join my PSU in the "happy land" too and it was partly due to the touch-of-death of.... .... .... (its not nice to mention names) so am i pissed?? Well i would be lying if i say i weren't but ... ... i guess i shouldn't talk too much about it here since there will be friends reading and i don't really want to start a commotion so let's drop it .... then there was issues at work which never seems to end, but on the other hand if it does then i would be out of job would I ??

On the happy front... i got myself a new graphic card and i've yet paid for it haha so inclusive of the 2 other thing i mentioned above, i'm damn broke, but i don't mind coz now i can enjoy more games and enlongated my entertainment... and hey guess what... ... 3 more days it will be my 2nd anniversary into my working life as an engineer and my 371 days here in the "I" company. Can't believe how time has left me and how senior i'm getting (well it's not nice to use the word old). Still i can't compare to my other friends who has worked more than 4 years and they are the same age as me, i mean ... what the... ... ... sigh...

Well on other goings... i've been spending a lot of time on Facebook (i mean besides from work) to those of you who have been active in Facebook, you would be familar with the ongoing quizes and the recent most "hot" quiz is the "How well you know me" quiz and without a doubt i've spend my equal share of time preparing the quiz. I've basically created 24 question but i've only used 16 of them and i don't even want to create the part 3 of my quiz since most of them don't like them ... ...

Guess what... i think i've summarize majority of May on goings in this post tonight haha... well i think it is expected of myself. When i do start writing i would continue writing until i'm done or when i get tired, and now i'm done and i'm tired so ... ... TTFN~~~

Deprived sleep

2009-04-23T00:03:00.003+08:00

Seriously this is nothing new for any of now, how many of us are getting enough sleep nowadays? Do you? Even if u sleep at 10 and waking up at 8, you would still complain you've not enough sleep but i'm starting to feel the hazard of not getting enough sleep.

Sigh it's getting harder to concentrate nowadays. Too tired + too much work = very low productivity. I've been getting those "hang" period during the day... like those where your mind just wondered off and you are left with only the body type of feeling...

Is this caused by lack of rest or due to mounting of job??

Ehmmm.. ... ...

Monday morning~~

2009-04-20T08:34:00.003+08:00

Something i captured on a Monday morning sky and edited using MS Paint...

Erm...

2009-04-16T23:14:00.002+08:00

Been doing some blog searching... i just noticed that i've quite a few negetive radiating post lately and i can't help but to wonder why... ... ... am i at my limits and looking for a way out? Sometimes i wish i could do like what those cartoon would do, where they open some hatch from their body and lump and lump of steam get released from their body and they transform into something else... i need to let off some steam~~~

Offence vs offend

2009-04-15T23:57:00.004+08:00

I think this will be a short one... i hope...

I think i offended someone today... or not... ... anyway that person seems offended.. the problem is... ... ... what happen??? Why do i always have this tendency of pissing others off?And usually not know it until its too late... Is this a gift? If it is, why can't i be gifted in other areas instead... why???

But this actually got me thinking the other way around.

Why is it that i'm the one offending others?
Why don't they ever think that they might have offended me instead?

Why am i always the guilty one?

I have friends who offend me on and off and i can't really recall when was the last time i really throw a tantrum at them, the only recent one was about a year ago when i was helping out a friend and another earlier one was on my birthday 2 years ago but i decided to overlook it because of my other friend who was also celebrating his birthday.

When i'm angry i would tell that i'm angry, so that they will not do it again and if it's their first offence i can't even blame them cause they don't know. How could you blame someone for doing something that you don't like when they do not know that you don't like it in the first place? (Confused yet?) sigh~ it seems that everything is always the Leech's fault, everything goes to the Leech's account... everything but money... Why?? Why???

What have i learn from this? I learn that i can't repent for my crime, mainly is because i do not know what i did wrong, how do i repent on my mistake when i do not what mistake have i made in the first place? If this keep going on i seriously doubt i can get into any serious relationship with others. If my normal friend can't stand it, how do you expect your partner to actually face it? Double sigh~~~

The XX chromosome individuals

2009-04-05T00:35:00.004+08:00

I will be dead lying if i were to say i'm not interested in pretty ladies, well at least that what most of you will be thinking. But to keep it fair, i'm not denying that pretty ladies are nice to look at and even be around with but that doesn't mean anyting, at least on my account. I would look at them and even admiring their beauty in every angle possible, visually i mean, but other than that... nothing. Looking at them is the most i would do, no lust nor intention, just plain admiration of their beauty from afar.

Well i have come across a lot of ... erm... rather pretty and attractive lady friends in my years on this lovely planet, from my school days right to my days at work of which i am not very close with. I can't help but to wonder, why? It seems that i can never get too close to them. I mean we are friends and all but ... ... ... i can't say that we are anything near the entry level of a close friend (Leech's defination of friendship hierarcy ). We talk when we met in person ... ... and that's about it. And most of the time even when i do see a attractive individual, i don't even borther going to know them, just because they are pretty that doesn't mean i need to know them right? Another side of the story would be, i would have this paradigm of they will think that "I'm pretty so it's only normal that guys would wanna be around me." so i won't give them the pleasure of thinking that about me, but this is totally me and my own thoughts so don't be offended.

~~Sometimes~~ Nowadays i start to wonder, why? Why aren't i close to any pretty lady friends of mine? ( a disclaimer here, i'm not saying girl friends that i'm close to are not pretty so PLS don't think of it the other way). Maybe is partly due to my so-called confidence. I'm not very confident in myself in thinking that they are really interested in being friend with me, maybe coz i think i'm not that much of an attractive or interesting person. I used to think that girls might like me for who i am but i found out that my friends are more attractive that me most of the time so i figured that i'm not a par with most people around me i guess.

I have a few pretty and attractive girl friends whom i'm close with, and that is because they are no longer available thus i would let go of my guard and be close and befriend with them. Knowing that they are no longer available means they won't think that me being close to them is due to any "evil" intention and again this is strictly my own belief. I seriously doubt that i will like a person if she's not attractive but if she's attractive i will not take an initiative nor will i be interested or keen to get to know her and if i don't know her i will never know whether will i ever like that person... and the cycle continues. So i guess this is another reason that i'm still single till this very day.

Sigh... most people, would like nothing less than being associated with a bunch of pretty and attractive individuals, i like it but i don't crave it ... not a bit, why? May be is due to my paradigm of "Good things will never happen to me" so if i don't crave, i won't be dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But if i don't desire something, i won't work for it... a battle between two of my strongest paradigm and of all things and reasons... it's this.. haha... i laugh at my own personal traits which has brought me most of who i am today hahahaha...

What does it takes to actually get to know a girl without being guilty of lust?

Holiday refresh~~

2009-04-04T08:24:00.002+08:00

Its been awhile since i work my a$$ off at work and somehow it feel like i'm even more tired that the time when i was working on that Mountain Goat. Back then i will be working 15 to 18 hours a day on a 6 days week, sometimes 7. Coming home at 12 sometimes at 3 only to go back to work at about 7 the next day, yet i'm still able to keep up with the pace and maintained this lifestyle for almost 2 months but this time... ... ... this time is kinda different, maybe its because of pressure. I mean there were pressure last time too but that was kinda different type of pressure. That was rushing for progress kinda pressure but this time is the troubleshooting type of pressure.

Oh yea i think i've actually gotten into the main topic. I've been slaving in the lab for 5 days clocking an approximate of 85 hours of constant work and debug; and why do i call it a holiday refresh? The last time i have this hectic lifestyle was last July which lasted about more than 2 months. Maybe is due the the scrutiny of each detail at work and the fact that there is a constant daily meeting that requires your update which really adds the pressure and burden on me. Not forgetting having my DE and my DE's boss sitting next to me asking for results ... i feel like i'm under the big spot light in a small pot with super hot boiling water. And somehow the water don't feel like 100C, it feels hotter haha...

Maybe i'm too commited to my job... i mean although i feel damn pressured and tired by all this but i still look forward for the next task and see the outcome... ... ... is this what they call passion?? May be... its something i've never felt in my last job, the only thing keeping me energetic is my responsibilities, binding me to my task. I wonder how long will this passion continue to burn? What will happen if it dies out on me? Will i take the step i took previously which is to resign and look for a better and higher passion?? I wonder...

Twinkle, twinkle LED~~~

2009-04-02T00:09:00.003+08:00

I spend few hours soldering that little circuitry 2 days back and today it is broken into 3 different piece and i was like OMG~~~ but it was expected since i know it was very fragile and luckily it did broke apart too. I noticed that i've mix and matched the wrong legs to the wrong part of the circuitry, else i might have seen smoke haha..,

Anyway spend the same amount of time to redo the circuit again... salvage it from a dead board and... ... well after few hours of delicate soldering i manage to get it done. And after connecting it to the board for some serious DOE, i hear a song ... it was twinkle, twinkle little stars.... The LED on the board started blinking which means something with the power delivery / sequence ... which means that the board can't boot and i can't proceed with my DOE which means all my hard work today basically went down the drain again... sigh~~~

I need rest... no OT tomorrow~~~~!!!!! oops... i mean today, its after midnight now hahaha... i've spend almost 34 hours at work for the past 2 days... kool~~~

The Immortal??

2009-03-31T23:32:00.002+08:00

I think it was me who said that i wanted to get my life back on track, wanted to go home early, wanted to go out more, get to know more people. Q1 of 09 will be coming to an end in about half hour time and look at me... what have i achieved? Basicaly none... yea, i manage to go home early from work which lasted about for a week before i went back to the same routine... sigh i seriously needed a change.. else i'm doomed. God please give me strength and will power to enable this change within me...

This is the second time this week that i skip dinner... once was on sunday where i was on the bus coming back to Penang. The bus left KL at 6 (but bus ticket says 5.30) so basically i didn't eat anything for dinner. Luckily i have some biscuits in the bag, that sustained me long enuf ... well basically till the next morning.

And today... i worked through dinner and well basically i skipped dinner. Went for a coffee break around 6 and went back to my bench and work and work and work... saw EH and Jeff leaving for dinner but they we heading home afterwards so i didn't ask to join them and the rest... well one left after another and till the end there was only me.... and ironically i forgotten about dinner till it was kinda too late so i gobbled down few biscuits and that's its... my dinner, 2 pieces of IKO biscuits.

This is an issue... this is a hazard...this is ... ... me?? Damn.... Sometims i think i'm learning to be an immortal. HELP~~~~~

Climbing the ladder

2009-03-30T23:09:00.002+08:00

Let's see who i am today... ...
...
......
..........
... Oops... i'm still a nobody... sorry for wasting your time there... i'm still that small potato in the huge watermelon farm and i guess i'll remain that potato unless i do something about it soon... but what? sigh~~

Do i look like a person who likes to climb up the ladder? A colleague of mine say dat i am. Is it so obvious ? I wonder...

Yea i wanna go up but most important to me is that people around me give me their full support when i do go up else it would not be much of a success don't u think?

Quiz after quizes

2009-03-25T21:33:00.003+08:00

Been spending a lot of time login to Facebook and playing with the quiz on virtually anything... this got me thinking... am i that bored?? Or am i just looking for some sort of entertainment? Can be either i believe, well if i'm not bored i won't be looking for which test is fun to do and if i'm not bored then i won't need entertainment right? But looking at the quiz that i've done its mostly about me - who i am, what type of person i am, am i a good friend etc. So i think it's more of a self journey.

Think of it this way, we know more about the world's mysteries that we know about our own self. I remember a quote from one of the TV series, which i don't really remember the title but its something like the 20,000 league under the sea kind of ship and they are discovering the deep ocean, we know more about the deep, dark space that we know about our own
ocean.

So its basically the same thing here, we know more abuot the world that we know about ourself. We don't spend enough time on ourselves for ourselves to think and talk to ourselves. So maybe this is what motivated me to do all those test...

Or may be i just need a life =p

Fish fish and more fish

2009-03-23T21:11:00.002+08:00

Yea.. what could i say about fish?
Erm...
How about me talking about selling them... so in short i'll call it a selfish story...

Here's the catch (haha... fish and catch) something happened today that somehow triggered me to think how selfish a man could be? It's only natural for a man to be selfish don't u think so? One can't always thinks of others and neglect themselves, right? So the question on my mind now is... when do you call a person to be selfish? If you were to throw me this question, i woudn't know how to answer. I would like to think of myself as an unselfish person, as a giving type but the question remains... Am I? Most of the time when asked about this i would strongly believe that most of us would have the same thinking as i do, saying that "I'm not a selfish person" but deep down.... honest thought... are you?

Whenever i see a selfish act done by others i would come in rage and saying to myself

WTH how could he be so selfish ... i can't believe this guy.

But today i learn to think of it another way... if i were him would i have done the same? Now that's a thought to ponder about... not all the so called injustice and selfish act that i see, i can do. I would usually think,

Will my actions bring mayhem to others???

and if the answer is no then i would do it. Till this point, i would start to wonder how many of you who are reading this would agree with this thought of mine about myself? Well can't actually blame you if you think that i'm not the person who i say i am because if you were to say that about yourself i would have responded the same.

And to be honest i could not be called as an unselfish person myself, if i remeber correctly a friend once told me from the teaching of Buddha, that a truely unselfish man is someone who would do or help to do something without asking / hoping / thinking or even imagining to get anything in return. No rewards, no word of praise, no thank you not even a gesture of acknowledgment for his every actions. Of the four items i named above, i only asked for the last item... a gesture of acknowledgement... just this... is this too much to ask for? But by doing this, i'm hoping to gain something in return for my efforts thus disqualifying me ...

So a question to you fellow readers tonight before you lay yourself to bed tonight would be... when / what was the last selfish / unselfish thing that you've done?

Driving in Penang...

2009-03-19T21:17:00.004+08:00

Wanted to talk something on this since long ago but nvr actually got down to write it but i've finally picked up the mood to talk about it.

There are a few things that i could never get into my head about Penang people (in terms of driving) , oh... a disclaimer here, i'm not discriminating towards them just that most of the incidents i've seen here are done by cars with a P plate.

1. How could they drive their Honda Accord as if they are driving a Honda EX5 ? (coz both are Honda??)

2. Does Penang produce their own pertol? (Why do they just like to floor their accelerator so much?)

3. They like to test the car's breaks / ABS / other safety features? (They like to do the "0 km/h to XXX km/h back to 0 km/h in Y sec" test or are they so keen in doing the crash test)

4. Do they have paranomic eye sight? (They see the smallest crack in between cars/junctions as wide as a 4 lane highway and always try to slip thru it)

5. Don't they take "Undang" when they are sitting for their driving lessons?
No cars in yellow box please...

And a few more questions which i don't feel like thinking right now =p. I use to be a calm driver when i was still in KL but now... ... well just say "in Rome, do what the Romans do" or should i say, i've been "Penang-ized".

They say KL drivers are always, either, on the go or at the last tick of the clock. So they tend to drive racklessly in KL, but do bear in mind that in KL a 6 km journey could easilly takes you one hour and sometimes even more during peak hours. It only takes me slightly under 30 mins for me to travel that distance here in Penang and i stay in one of the highly popolated area in Penang with only one exit, DURING peak hours of work. Then the question...
...
... ...
... ... ... Why the rush???

Please educate me fellow Penang-kia(s)

New girl in town

2009-03-18T08:03:00.005+08:00

Yupz... been looking around here n there and i've found it... a new babe is in town wuakakakaka... well i'm basically talking bout my ol post a few weeks back. Sigh~~ the lost of my first ~~love~~ phone (along with almost 50% of all my phone's contact, do send me a mail or sms on tis thx ^.^) when my 6610 screen cracked into 2 pieces... sigh...

Anyway i've decided to get a new phone coz after mourning for about a week (u hv no idea the pain of holding a phone which u cannot fully utilize, i can oni recieve calls and i dun even know who is calling :( ), i decided to move on with my life. So here it is... my new babe

the HTC Touch Diamond....

and from the back hehe

I took the white model (psst~~~ its also the limited edition model wuakkakaka), there is also a black model but if black u tend to see finger prints on the body (which was basically y i didn't upload the photo i took of the front) and not to mention i like white, it reminds me of my old phone hehehe.

Been using it for almost a month now, tried to read the manual which was about 127 pages long and that's only the user manual for the phone there is still a manual for some of the software in it i.e. the GPS and the chinese software or something. Don't really went n borther with it. I think i'll read it someday when i'm free like what i did last time when i read my calculator manual which till today my fren scolded / mocked me as nutz and "too free"

Anyway after buying tis baby i've burned a big and deep hole in my wallet it's soOOOOOO deep that i threw a stone in it when i bought it and till today i've still to hear the "bloop" or the "tong" as it reach the bottom, i would hear the occasional hitting the side of the wall but not the end-of-the-line kinda sound... sigh~~~

Anyway i'm done boasting and blowing my own horn hahaha... jz joking, i needed a phone and well it suits my need, i needed a PDA like phone and tis lil lady here suit the profile so i hired her haha... well its back to work hopefully my boss did c me blogging hahaha... talk about risk taking =p

First book of the year

2009-03-17T22:38:00.005+08:00

Yippie~~~
I've manage to finish reading a book this year. I think i did put it down in my 2009 resolution... er... dun think so. Tat might be from Emo not me hahaha... cant actually thought i'll be able to finish reading a book. Hey i'm not a reader, i dun read, at least not fictional type but ... well i finish reading a book that's wat counts. I've started reading this book since last october... and its finally over hahaha

What did i learn from the book? Erm... gimme a moment to ponder on this point
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.

The joy of working ?? Nah... erm... i think its more on actual on going of working especially if u work from / in a cubical, which i do have but i seldom stay there. Come to think of it the longest ever time i've ever stayed in my cubical was just half day. I needed some quality time (i.e. peace and quiet) to do some paperwork related stuff and in my career of working here in company "I" i've spend less tat 5% of my total working hrs, and that is based on normal working hrs haha.

Well let me share the title of the book... nah... i do better, i'll show u the actual book instead

...
... ...
... ... ...

Hold on to your seats
..
.. ..
.. .. ..
.. ..
..

#Tada#

Hey it might be just a comic book but it's still a thick comic book u know. nvr actually found time to enjoy it other than the time where i spend 1 hr after dinner all alone in the cubical around 840 and read till 940... it's a wonder how peaceful the cubical can be at nite... its a good place if u wanna relax ur mind. Highly recomended... :p

p/s: i actually bought a self-help book, "The 7 Habits" to be precise, in mid feb... i really wanna find time to digest it, hopefully i'm able to post a similiar post before the year is over... wish me luck

Belated Bday Celeb ...

2009-03-16T23:51:00.003+08:00

Well it's a belated bday celeb alright... but its a belated bday post haha... it's been more than 2 weeks now since my bday and ... well, i can't say that i didn't care ... i guess i'll blame it on my laziness again haha, i guess we can blame virtually anything on laziness :p...

Well this year is quite a special bday for me... coz within 48 hrs i've had 3 different bday cakes from 3 groups of people, first being my bro and my new sis, where they bought a beautiful and tasty chocolate cake. Too bad i wasnt able to sit down and enjoy it to the last piece as i was rusing back to Pg; 2nd from some Ernie n WY, where they bought a last minute cake; and last but not least my colleagues.

Well with the cake, they need a hero right ... so here he is

OMG, seriously... i can't begin to imagine how many of u feel like strangling my right now wuakakaka.... but as if i care :p

We had a short and simple celeb at the cafe but it was fun haha.... thx to all

Wat the hell~~~~~

2009-03-11T07:36:00.006+08:00

Arhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Damn moody now~~~~~~~
WTH~~~~~~

.... ...... ..... ....
I just found out that there is a scratch on my new spectacles. Wat the hell~~~ How could it has gotten such a long scratch???!!! What happen!!!! Even my old spectacles don't have this type of scratch... damn damn damn damn damn....

Sigh... nid to get my emo straight, cant let it get into the way of my work today... and YES, i'm in the office now, cube actually, been here since 7 this morning too... :'(

Bad day... bad mood indeed... sigh~~

Dun think i saw it ytd so what happen??? Sigh :'(

A small scratch on my spectacles a big cut in my heart

Penang Nite Out

2009-03-09T15:24:00.009+08:00

Its been too long since the gang actually went out on a night out, i think the last time was when we went to BM for a round of DotA with CK and Nen even that has been sometime end of last year i think. So ytd was a cool night. The whole gang went out for a drink and supper hahah

We 1st drop by JS's place to watch the badminton finals where we (again) saw LeeCW lost to LinD but compare with the olympic he did relatively well, but seriously, although i didn't expect him to win but seeing him lost is quite a heartbreaker haha... confused feeling but an understandable one i believe.

Next we went on to our designated place of choice Coffee Island @ Gurney.

The place has its own attraction i would say, its at Gurney, near the beach with the cool ocean winds; the price is not "that" expensive considering its at Gurney; and there are a lot of youngster hanging out there so the "view" is not too bad hahaha. Overall, it does makes me feel like a student again, chillin out on a Sunday Nite with a bunch of friends talking rubbish... nostalgic feeling?? haha a little...

But there is one thing that really borthered me over there ... so may be u guys out there could help me out...
If it's called Hot chocolate ... why do you have a cold option for that drink???

When we finish it was 2++ in the morning... so we decide to take leave ... to the next location haha... its supper time :p. David was telling us of a nice Wanton Noodle somewhere at Tanjung Bungah so we decided to give it a try. The journey there was an adventure ... he forgot the way and most of us dun even know where the place is hahaha... but after awhile we manage to find our way there...

The place looks creepy at first, its almost 3 in the morning and we are heading to a market with no much lights and no one around, creepy...

We got there and ordered... David on the other hand went to the Wok and started firing up some deep fry Wanton for us...

The stall is maintained by a 70+ yr old gramps... he's been selling Wanton since he was 16yrs old and that was in 1955. All alone in the market selling Wanton noodle, is he mad?? Well i dunno but he sure has passion for his stall. Oh did i also mention that its 24hrs... during the morning its the wife and son; and at night is him... godly...

and u could not believe the price of the noodle and the wanton... its RM 2.5 for a small and RM 3 for a large (psst.. the large is HUGE~~!!) and the Wanton, hold on to ur seats... its ... its... ... RM1 for a dozen.. RM1 for 12 Wantons... damn its cheap and most importantly, it's good haha... try it :p

Our supper at 3 in the morning haha...

A family of 5

2009-03-09T14:50:00.001+08:00

It's 28th of Feb 2009 and i now have another sis haha ...
Yupz... my bro on the hot seat with my cousins
Yippie my bro is now officially wed instead of legally haha. So now i got a sis, well sister-in-law but still a sis right?

The few days of bro's wedding was a rush. I hardly slept and was busy running all around. There were tonnes of thing to do and the list just kept on growing. But alas, its all over haha... The wedding is over, the dinner is over and my bro and sis are on their honeymoon.... as for me... ... i'm still the same ol me... now sitting in front of the PC n blog about my past activity hahaha....

Alas... gratz bro
My sis, my bro and i

P/S: i finish this post on 030309 but din upload it coz can't find the pics hahha...

DMH class of 03 reunion - PG gang

2009-03-04T23:44:00.009+08:00

This happen quite some time ago just that i was kinda lazy to write about it. I met up with Kelly over lunch and she told me that there will be a gathering among the ourselves soon and asked me to spread the word. The first thimg on my mind was "wow it has been so long... it's gonna be fun" but when i was told of the venue and time...well its kinda a dissapointment.

Time: 6.30 pm
Date: 13/02/2009 (Friday)
Place: Autocity
OMG~~~ its a friday and u want to go over the Penang bridge??? U must be joking man... but after some negotiation we manage to bring it over the bridge and brought it to QBM instead hehehe... and to my suprise the organizer was SuMei.

On that day i had a vry long meeting which lasted till about 7 and i was super late. Everyone was in Sakae Sushi n having a good meal when i arrived. Luckily for me, i still remember everyone and everyone still remembered me but to Ernie, Deric n Meng... well they are not that luckly, most of the attendee nid a short reminder course before they can recall them. But nevertheless we had a good time catching up with each other

We went from Sakae to Dragon-i for round 2 since Emily is still absent from the gathering but too bad is that Bobbi, HM and Keen Choong nid to leave early... but it is still good that we manage to met up

Round 1 @ Sakae
Just the guys (i'm snapping the pic so i'm excluded :p)
Just the ladies (too bad HoiMin is not here... )
Everyone Round 2 @ Dragon-i

Thx to all that attended :p
P/S: i just noticed that Bobbi is missing from the photos too... so i added another pic hehe

Buhbye to my first... ...

2009-02-15T23:12:00.006+08:00

It was in July 2003 when she came to me... she was the first for me, so it was quite a rush when i for saw her... after undressing her slowly, piece by piece, there she was ... in the naked flesh.... she was mine...

And after a long relationship of 5 odd years... she has endured much punishment from the world. Her body is fill with scars from the harsh world; her face was hit by a high velocity object and scared her beautiful face, ; her body no longers listens to her but today... she took a final blow of them all ... she can no longer smile at me ... and when i look at her now i can feel the pain she is suffering, she now lies broken. But although she can no longer see me nor could i see her, i am lucky that we can still listen to each other... but i doubt this too will last...

...
. . .
. . .

She is my first mobile phone, the Nokia 6610. Even then she was an expensive baby, she cost me about RM950 and i have to pay by installment to my mum for it. To make matters worse are all the contacts that i've saved in her... god this is going to be tough... anyone has the data transfer cable for her?? If u do.. please... please let me have a go and try to salvage all i could from her before i leave her to rest...

The Leech's Focal Part II

2009-02-12T22:59:00.004+08:00

Ok.. after leaving the open question for a few days i think its time to end it haha... Well good try Emo, but like i say you only got 1.5 of 5 hehehe ...

Ok... drum roll please... . . . . . . . the things that i really bad at is Relationship. Hey don't get me wrong, relationship can be a lot of things so please do allow me to elaborate. I've always good at making friends as i got a mouth that is as poisonious a Malboro (hehe i don't smoke, Malboro is so happen to be a very very poisonious monster in the ever famous Final Fantasy series), a heart as pure as a bunny (OMG~~~ i'm gonna throw up wuakakaka), the brain the size of a pea (or maybe smaller... >.<), and having the level of acceptance towards people and actions as high as the sky (wow that's kind too high don't u think so??). So basically i can mix with virtually anyone(hahaa but i've found my match), provided the person is not disgusted by me which sometimes seems to be the case. But one bad thing about me is that i'm not good in keeping a relationship going, i'm not good at keeping in touch with people.

In my years from high school till today i've made many friends but unlucky for me, most of them has been nothing but those "hi-bye" type. Well i blame myself for not taking the first step in keeping in touch. Yea, i'm those "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" type of friend.

So i'm not kidding when i say i don't have much friends and i usually end up either at home game my day away or slave away at work, JUST to fill in time. I have no other friends except those from "brothers" of mine and colleagues over here and i've spend too much time with my "brothers" that it starts to creeps me out, and as for my colleagues, i've been seeing them 5 days a week so i think they deserve to be with other ppl but the bored, and lifeless me...

Valentine's is around the corner ... just so that none of you will starting calling me a spoil sport, and no, just cause i'm unable to eat the grape it aint sour neither so HAPPY VALENTINE's to those who are celebrating (hahaha i foresee a big meteor coming and going to burn a deep, deep hole in your wallet WUAKAKAKAKAKA... OMG i'm so evil) and to those who's not celebrating... erm... any plans?? Care to share?? I'm currently planning to avoid a cold and lonely weekend here...

Pain of losing something

2009-02-09T01:42:00.005+08:00

Have you ever lost something that you really, really want?
How hard does it feel to to lose something like that?

Frankly, i've not lost much things in life that i really do treasure to that extent. But to those that i did lost, it was really painful, so painful that sometimes when i do think back, regardless how long it was ago, it would bring tears to my eyes.

Whenever you think about what had happen previously would you just feel so bad that... well you'll just get grumpy for no particular reason and you would just lose interest in whatever you are doing. Sometimes you would even blame yourself for what happened?

And how about love? What does it feels like to have your heart broken or even lose someone you like? What does it feels like to be unable to get the love of that special someone that you do love? I've personally have zero or little experience on this but i was wondering, does it feels similiar to what i've expressed previously?

Erm ~~~~ ... ...

The Leech's Focal

2009-02-07T22:52:00.007+08:00

Before i start, just a mental note Penang Bridge on a bike can be very dangerous... the cars are fast and the wind is heavy... salute those who nid to face it daily. While i was sitting as a passager on the bike on the bridge i manage to make the full use of the 13 odd km to have short "me" time.

Was thinking till this point in life... what have been my accompishment till today? What have i achive so far? How is my goal setting turn out? To be honest, i've lost track of my accomplishments, since somehow they dun seems to be of any significant but i do remember my failures, they are such deep cuts and dark inks in my personal records tat are so hard to forget.

How do you measure one's achievements and accomplishments? And where do i sit in your mind when you read this?
-Am i a par with you?
-Am i higher than you? or
-Am i lower than you?

Just went into two different rounds of Focal in my 18 months of working life in two different working environment and if i were to grade myself as what was done at work, how good am i? Where do i stand?

Proudly to say is that i would grade myself high in term of "official" achievement, I get things done that is my strong points. yea~~~ my school results were never top of the class and i might not be the brightest bulp in the room but at least i'm not labled as a bookworm or a nerd, nor am i labled as a freak or worthless piece of trash; and most importantly to me is that i've earned the respect of most of my peers so.. yea... its a big achievement to me. At least i know i worth something to others .... as a cow, or slave...

But ... ... not all things in life are good and so am i... as good am i grading myself in that area, there are aspect in my life that i truely really do condemn and if any of you know me as you think you do then i would believe you would come to the same conclusion. The area that i sux the most is... ... ... well i'll let u know later :p i nid to catch some Zs now, i think i'm gonna be sick due to lack of sleep. So anyone wanna take a wild guess??

Where is Me?

2009-02-06T00:04:00.005+08:00

Dun have much "me time" nowadays, been in work mode since the 4th day of CNY, while most people is still on their holiday i am already slaving away at work... cant help to feel like i've lost sync with myself. Really need to sit down and sync up with the working me, home me, friend me and the me me.

There were some time where i would sit around and let my mind run and be creative even while working just to let off some steam but lately... i think i've locked that creative me somewhere and lost the map to his prison cell.

Thinking back bout a few weeks back when i have my mood swings... ... i think partly could be due to this too. HY was giving me a lecture on the importance of intra-communication and pointing out my lil' emotion problem and again saying that i will be the cause of my breakdown.

Like i say, thinking back... being lonely and being in solitude has really made me change in some way, but to think and to tell people around me that i do not have many friends it seems a rather hard to swallow. How could a guy who is as articulate as this have no friends? I mean i'm not that hard to approach kinda guy rite but... i do have very limited friends and even fewer of those whom i wanna talk to when i'm under the weather. Well what HY say is true, i do need to expand my friendship circle. I need a 3rd party friend, away from work, and away from my usual faces... maybe that way i would feel more comfortable if i want to discuss about my problems. At least that way i know it whatever i said will not arrive to the ears of those un-intended.

Well until i'm able to expand tat circle i guess i would need to work harder on my intra-communications skills.