Mid life criss rant.

25 years ago, I was known as a timid boy who can't kill a bug even if my life depended on it;

20 years ago, I was known as the human Terminator who have zero emotions with a hairpin trigger;

15 years ago, I was known as a pseudo Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde, with a rather specific trigger;

10 years ago, I am person who is able to remain calm and smile through most of the garbage that gets thrown at me.

But the question is remains... When is the next big explosion?

2016 is here

Well, this is the new year. I should have a new year resolution right? But no.... I am not going to disappoint myself in 2016.

Well maybe i should do a simple one. I think I'll try to do a weekly blog, at least to remind myself of the week that past by and hopefully years down the road I'll be revisiting my own writing and laugh at my stupid younger self. Yea, that sounds fun... making fun of your own self.

Anyway, was back home over the new year and really made the effort to spend time with my parents, bringing them out for meals and being their errand boy. It feel like forever since I've really did it and it felt ok. It's good to be useful around the house again.

Dad told me something that I really want to remind myself for the rest of my life... Dad basically told me this, "As men, when we have a wife, it is our duty to love her and treat her right." well... this is something simple but it's very important lesson in life. Been hearing from mum how dad treat her when she was sick previously, even taking days off from the office just to take care of her.

I guess I get my manners for treating the ladies from my dad. And I got my stubbornness of a relationship from my mum. I have an expectation on how a healthy relationship is supposed to be. How I should treat my lady and how my lady should respond.... and like all things in life, with expectations comes disappointments. All I'm asking is that you share with me your daily life, your problems, your happiness, your thoughts... basically let me experience your day once awhile. I feel that it is important for me to know what is going on in your daily life so that when we do get together in the future, I know what you go thru and I'll know how to treat you.

As a talkative person, I really like to share my thoughts and feelings but I will need someone to listen to begin with. The reason I started blogging is because I wasn't able to find someone for me to rant to. I don't want to simply rant to anyone, I just want to rant to you, that special someone... I don't usually open my heart to anyone so please don't make me re-seal the seal that I've broken.

Just don't....
... I just want to be loved....
... ... Is that so much to asked for?

... Really?

Summary of my life in 2015?

Wow, I can't believe that I've been away from my blog for so long. And again, this is the time of the year again that makes you to review what happened during the past 11 months.

2014 was a exciting year for me and I was thinking it will be hard to top it but I guess I was wrong. Every year will have something that lurks around the corner and give you a surprised and 2015 is much a roller-coster ride.

2015... the year where I met my personal goal to actually work abroad, leaving my country. Although i got the job offer of working in Mexico, i have to let it go just because I was not able to come to an agreement with my parents but all was not lost as I was able to land a job in the neighbouring Singapore, which is not to shabby i guess.

Leaving for Singapore has been an adventure. I was forced to leave my comfort zone and go out to relearn everything. It has also taught me an invaluable lesson of appreciation, oh... how i missed the guilty pleasure of driving to the footsteps to malls or to the office; how I missed those late night hang outs with friends, chit chatting away too the wee hours of the night; how I missed having a kitchen of my own to do some cooking whenever I feel like it. So much more I missed, so much I've now looked back and thought to myself, damn those are freedom.

It has also taught me some life lessons mainly of those I once mentioned on Facebook

1. Nobody will understand the amount of sacrifice you've made when you decided to move.

2. Regardless of how much you make, they will automatically assumed you are now rich.

3. It is never easy starting out new again.

4. You will miss the little guilty pleasures you did back home such as hanging out till wee hours in the morning, or the call from your friend that they are now outside your house waiting for you.

5. You actually begin to understand the cliche "There's no place like home" .

6. The colour of the grass are only as green as you perceive it to be

7. Things that doesn't seems that important back then are among the most important thing to you today.

8. How a phone call or message change the "distance" between people.

9. People will say how enviously they are of you but they will not make the same decision as you because.... "reasons" .

10. How old your parents has become since you decided to leave home.

It has also taught me the pain of loneliness and solitude. This 8 months in Singapore has been among the loneliest time I've ever had to myself. There are just nobody for me to do anything with. Yes, I do still have some friends here but I can't always go and bug them can't I? My colleagues were once my closest family away from my real family, but over here.... I hardly have a chance to mingle with my colleagues. The solitude is real, the pain is real.... the loneliness are beyond words. I've spend hours roaming Singapore, looking for places to visit and to eat but even that has it limits when you are always alone. Up to the point that I've now countless hours hiding in my room, alone, talking to myself from time to time. I drive myself up to wall sometimes. Is it that difficult to get a friend here? Or it is just me? Just me bring pathetic and shy myself away from everyone? I don't know.

With 2016 around the corner I do hope it will be a better year for me. I'm damn afraid of solitude now ... I really am.... so please help me...

Who am I? (part 2)

Just had another thought of myself, which is also among something I say many times to a lot of people.

I am a good person

But not many people believe me ... so I continued with

When I told people that I'm a good person, no people would believe me and say I'm a bad person... so I do what I am expected to do ... do bad MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA~~~~~ but deep down... well i'm not good but i'm not that evil either... i'm just playful, childish and slightly naughty.

Goodbye EV.....

Well... it's been a roller coaster ride last week and without a doubt it's a stressful week. I can't believe after all this time working in this team, it's going to be gone soon.

Yes.... Gone....

The upper management has decided to cut the site away and my team is going to be officially dissolved soon, maybe too soon... It's a little sad to know that they will be dismissing the site, and it's devastating that to know that I'll be out of job. Dayum.

It took me awhile to actually collect myself and to start to think positively but what positive things could i possibly think of? Giving me a chance to look into myself and reflect on my achievement? Well... maybe. Now I need to think of what can I do after I'm out of work, what do I want to do? What about my house? What about my studies? What about my other commitments? It's really stressful.

Hopefully I'll be ok .... Wish my luck.

Hi Blogger

After disappearing for so many years, I finally came back. Again the thing that brought me back was the fact that I've not been in the happiest of mode lately, heck.... I don't think I've been my honestly happy for the past 5 months. But it's been among the lowest of moods recently. Let's try to sum up the blunder that I've been going through so I may look this up sometime in the future and laugh at my silliness and stupidity in the near future.

• Oct 2013 - heard something that I've been longing for and was damn happy about it, although there were some sort of restriction but I'm happy. And was damn looking forward for my vacation. 
• Nov 2013 - decision was revoked and then it sprung a streak of mood swings which was rather unpleasant. To top it up, I was in a continuous   marathon to complete all my assignments which was going to be due
• Dec 2013 - Trying to sum up everything I've done throughout my life of 2013 and knowing that I've actually have not done much.... rather demoralizing seeing I'm no longer the young brat that has time to spare.
• Jan 2014 - Exam. What more do I need to say. It's been more than 6 years since I've actually attended any form of examination so it was a very stressful period not to mention having to cope with the workload from office. Not to mention a not so happy New Year's Eve celebration with some friends. 
• Feb 2014 - The passing of a friend, my buddy to be exact. The girl whom I guided and try to assimilate into the company's culture and to Penang life. The girl who is kind and friendly to everyone. After a year of battling cancer, she has finally moved on to a better place. My greatest regret was not making the effort to pay her a visit when I still have a chance. It happen just as i was discharged from hospital due to my allergies so i can't make the drive to attend her wake. Such regret. 
• March 2014 - As the news of my passing friend was very near to my own birthday, it was a little hard not to think too much about it yet I try to enjoy myself. Next was the news of my "failure" at work. Which was among the hardest blow I've receive in my life. The good news was, a close friend of mine got married so it wasn't all that bad for "my month" i guess. 

To my friends who knows me and may be reading this. I hold tightly to pain and sadness in my life and only sharing my smile and laughs when I'm with you. But rainbows don't last forever, I too have my low periods, I too need some time out.... I too need a shoulder and an ear to express myself. I'm only human.

Sorry to say to myself is that it is very hard for me to talk this out to anyone as I lack to trust to express myself to people. In my recent attempt to express to some of my friends, it turn out even worse as the one whom i thought is the most willing to listen to was is not really interested in hearing me out while the other friend was trying very hard to be the listener; to be honest I feel bad for her so i end up stop talking and switch role to be the listener instead. Maybe everyone of us was in a bad mood, and everyone was just looking for some time out thus the awkward environment.

So in the end... I think words are my only friend, and my alternate identity works the best to channel my frustration in the most elegant way possible. And here I am again.... blogging my frustration away.

Words

The Pathetic Poet is a character of words
Words that represent his inner works
 The sadder he is the more writes
 The sadder he is his thought unites
 Sad and misery is all there is
 To fuel his passion and raises his skill

 Words to express what he feel
Words get complex in daily use
Words can be a built of character
 Words may be the greatest deceiver

 Writing in words to express his feel
 Speaking those words is harder that steel
Writing words is filling in by parts
 Speaking the words may hurt some hearts

 From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet

Sometimes the world wanted to be cared

Sometimes looking for someone to listen,
 Sometimes looking for someone to be there,
 Sometimes looking for someone to reason,
 Sometimes looking for someone who cares....

The world today with a lot of problem,
 The world today is not fair,
 The world today is less functional,
 The world today is as if no one cared...

Who am I to the world today,
I am nothing but a pawn to be played,
 Why must I alone to face all this problem,
 All I wanted is to be cared...

 From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet