Summary of my life in 2015?

Wow, I can't believe that I've been away from my blog for so long. And again, this is the time of the year again that makes you to review what happened during the past 11 months.

2014 was a exciting year for me and I was thinking it will be hard to top it but I guess I was wrong. Every year will have something that lurks around the corner and give you a surprised and 2015 is much a roller-coster ride.

2015... the year where I met my personal goal to actually work abroad, leaving my country. Although i got the job offer of working in Mexico, i have to let it go just because I was not able to come to an agreement with my parents but all was not lost as I was able to land a job in the neighbouring Singapore, which is not to shabby i guess.

Leaving for Singapore has been an adventure. I was forced to leave my comfort zone and go out to relearn everything. It has also taught me an invaluable lesson of appreciation, oh... how i missed the guilty pleasure of driving to the footsteps to malls or to the office; how I missed those late night hang outs with friends, chit chatting away too the wee hours of the night; how I missed having a kitchen of my own to do some cooking whenever I feel like it. So much more I missed, so much I've now looked back and thought to myself, damn those are freedom.

It has also taught me some life lessons mainly of those I once mentioned on Facebook

1. Nobody will understand the amount of sacrifice you've made when you decided to move.

2. Regardless of how much you make, they will automatically assumed you are now rich.

3. It is never easy starting out new again.

4. You will miss the little guilty pleasures you did back home such as hanging out till wee hours in the morning, or the call from your friend that they are now outside your house waiting for you.

5. You actually begin to understand the cliche "There's no place like home" .

6. The colour of the grass are only as green as you perceive it to be

7. Things that doesn't seems that important back then are among the most important thing to you today.

8. How a phone call or message change the "distance" between people.

9. People will say how enviously they are of you but they will not make the same decision as you because.... "reasons" .

10. How old your parents has become since you decided to leave home.

It has also taught me the pain of loneliness and solitude. This 8 months in Singapore has been among the loneliest time I've ever had to myself. There are just nobody for me to do anything with. Yes, I do still have some friends here but I can't always go and bug them can't I? My colleagues were once my closest family away from my real family, but over here.... I hardly have a chance to mingle with my colleagues. The solitude is real, the pain is real.... the loneliness are beyond words. I've spend hours roaming Singapore, looking for places to visit and to eat but even that has it limits when you are always alone. Up to the point that I've now countless hours hiding in my room, alone, talking to myself from time to time. I drive myself up to wall sometimes. Is it that difficult to get a friend here? Or it is just me? Just me bring pathetic and shy myself away from everyone? I don't know.

With 2016 around the corner I do hope it will be a better year for me. I'm damn afraid of solitude now ... I really am.... so please help me...

Goodbye EV.....

Well... it's been a roller coaster ride last week and without a doubt it's a stressful week. I can't believe after all this time working in this team, it's going to be gone soon.

Yes.... Gone....

The upper management has decided to cut the site away and my team is going to be officially dissolved soon, maybe too soon... It's a little sad to know that they will be dismissing the site, and it's devastating that to know that I'll be out of job. Dayum.

It took me awhile to actually collect myself and to start to think positively but what positive things could i possibly think of? Giving me a chance to look into myself and reflect on my achievement? Well... maybe. Now I need to think of what can I do after I'm out of work, what do I want to do? What about my house? What about my studies? What about my other commitments? It's really stressful.

Hopefully I'll be ok .... Wish my luck.

Hi Blogger

After disappearing for so many years, I finally came back. Again the thing that brought me back was the fact that I've not been in the happiest of mode lately, heck.... I don't think I've been my honestly happy for the past 5 months. But it's been among the lowest of moods recently. Let's try to sum up the blunder that I've been going through so I may look this up sometime in the future and laugh at my silliness and stupidity in the near future.

• Oct 2013 - heard something that I've been longing for and was damn happy about it, although there were some sort of restriction but I'm happy. And was damn looking forward for my vacation. 
• Nov 2013 - decision was revoked and then it sprung a streak of mood swings which was rather unpleasant. To top it up, I was in a continuous   marathon to complete all my assignments which was going to be due
• Dec 2013 - Trying to sum up everything I've done throughout my life of 2013 and knowing that I've actually have not done much.... rather demoralizing seeing I'm no longer the young brat that has time to spare.
• Jan 2014 - Exam. What more do I need to say. It's been more than 6 years since I've actually attended any form of examination so it was a very stressful period not to mention having to cope with the workload from office. Not to mention a not so happy New Year's Eve celebration with some friends. 
• Feb 2014 - The passing of a friend, my buddy to be exact. The girl whom I guided and try to assimilate into the company's culture and to Penang life. The girl who is kind and friendly to everyone. After a year of battling cancer, she has finally moved on to a better place. My greatest regret was not making the effort to pay her a visit when I still have a chance. It happen just as i was discharged from hospital due to my allergies so i can't make the drive to attend her wake. Such regret. 
• March 2014 - As the news of my passing friend was very near to my own birthday, it was a little hard not to think too much about it yet I try to enjoy myself. Next was the news of my "failure" at work. Which was among the hardest blow I've receive in my life. The good news was, a close friend of mine got married so it wasn't all that bad for "my month" i guess. 

To my friends who knows me and may be reading this. I hold tightly to pain and sadness in my life and only sharing my smile and laughs when I'm with you. But rainbows don't last forever, I too have my low periods, I too need some time out.... I too need a shoulder and an ear to express myself. I'm only human.

Sorry to say to myself is that it is very hard for me to talk this out to anyone as I lack to trust to express myself to people. In my recent attempt to express to some of my friends, it turn out even worse as the one whom i thought is the most willing to listen to was is not really interested in hearing me out while the other friend was trying very hard to be the listener; to be honest I feel bad for her so i end up stop talking and switch role to be the listener instead. Maybe everyone of us was in a bad mood, and everyone was just looking for some time out thus the awkward environment.

So in the end... I think words are my only friend, and my alternate identity works the best to channel my frustration in the most elegant way possible. And here I am again.... blogging my frustration away.

Sometimes the world wanted to be cared

Sometimes looking for someone to listen,
 Sometimes looking for someone to be there,
 Sometimes looking for someone to reason,
 Sometimes looking for someone who cares....

The world today with a lot of problem,
 The world today is not fair,
 The world today is less functional,
 The world today is as if no one cared...

Who am I to the world today,
I am nothing but a pawn to be played,
 Why must I alone to face all this problem,
 All I wanted is to be cared...

 From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet

Who am I ?

All the sudden I have a surge of thought. This is my 4th year working and going into my 3rd year in "I". Looking back at what I have achieved seems to be ... ... ... nothing. Back in my early days of working back in "S", I don't have ownership towards anything and my role there is just to provide support. Support for board debug, support for rework, support for under-staff. It was just support, support and support, the only project give to me was even later killed which give me a big "WTF!!!" through my head. And with those points in mind, I left. Left for another company elsewhere hoping that things can and will be different.

But did it ??

So I started my journey in Penang, working in "I" where most people often mistaken as a "rich people population" company i.e. high pay and execelent benefits. But how true is that statement? I can't deny that my pay and the benefit here is certainly better than my ex-company but is it a par with all those around me ? That is a question mark. Anyway going into my 3rd year of service, my pay is not that much higher than a fresh graduate and i'm not getting the proper recognization from my manager which lead me to think, what the hell am I still doing here? Overworked and under appreciated. Luckily for me, there is a change in management and it seems (and i do mean it SEEMS) that my new manager seems to be sheading some light on me.... well I'll see how it goes on from here, hopefully it's worth the wait and effort.

Shifting gear into something less official yet equally stressful... ... ...

4 years in the industry, 5 years in tertiary education and another 5 years in secondary education; 15-16 years of my life meeting people, knowing people, interacting with people all almost on a daily basis and yet... ... ... one word, lonely . Pathetic? May be ... I've put too much of my effort in work, studies and activities that I've neglected love, emotions and feelings; all of which I have little or none. I'm 27 this year and I'm seeing a lot of my friends tying their knots with their significant others while some are in progress to upgrade their status to Daddy.

All this lead me think that something is wrong with my lifestyle and I needed to change. I need more time outside of office, outside of work so I took up another hobby, photography. But the problem is ... ... now I spend less time in the office/lab but I spend the equivalent time at home editing the photos that I took which brings me back to square one. I still can't met new friends. Work and photography... the things that I love and have passion for and it is also the thing that is and may absolutely kills me....

May be I'm better off alone and lonely... which reminds me of another song that perfectly fits the current me.林凡：一个人生活

I guess I better stick to these words ... 不再当宅男，立志当个快乐的摄影人!!! as much flaw there is in this sentence but currently it is the only thing that I can relate and feel happy about. When there is no hope around, the faintest light can seems so bright.

Random Thoughts #

Been rather emo for the past 48 hours. May be i was in touch with it, which is not something that i do very often. The good part of it is that i found out something about myself that i didn't know previously (even sometimes it may not be a pleasent one) the bad part to it is that... well i'm being emo (not something i enjoy) and to counter that, my evil twin is taking over in some sense. And as a result... I got some work done ^.^ (as i've been being lazy for the past few days).

Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.

hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.

AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!

Still friends.

I hate having de javu feelings but sometime it just happens. Been having a lot of discussion about my love life by a lot of people just too many times and as open as i am to the discussion sometimes it gets eerie and odd sometimes. People are just not satisfied until either they get a good explaination or until they get a good scolding which is either me or them.

I need to really make out a good explaination for myself for this else it's going to be hard to conveince people that i'm normal. Let me try to recall what reasons that i've given to others, i will sometime i tell people that ...

1. i have a small heart, i don't have much space to put so much stuff
2. there is no "feeling" being developed / arise
3. i don't meet much people
4. all of my female friends are either attached or married

On the contrary, some argued that it is because that i've not let go of something or in this case, someone and I always denied this as i don't believe it to be true. But something suddenly strikes me... ... that this statement may actually be true, there is someone occupying that little small space in me ... but the person is not the person whom some believe it to be, is someone else. May be there is just someone whom i cant get over which somehow made me ... ... ... me. Coming to this sometimes i kind of curse myself. Cursing myself to wake up and move on.

I always tell people that i don't develop feelings towards anything easily just because i've learned to somehow manage to control how to manipulate my feelings so i can easily overlook certain emotions. The problem comes is when a feeling does arise and when it does, it just sticks there. Having brought up in a family with (as far as i know) were all in a very long relationship and honour loyality, it just make things worse.

Writing this post remind me of a few songs which really suits my current mood and this post...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNh7udqo4Fc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrkMpPhF3U

Nevertheless... we are, of course, still friends... Yesterday, today and tomorrow... still ... ... just friends.

5 , 10, 15 years plan?

The future... something that seems so distant yet so close; something that feels so imaginary yet is real; something so unpredictable yet so anticipated.... i can go on braging but basically you catch my drift.

Been having a lot chat with my friends lately and one distingush topic that can't seems to escape is the topic of "My life as an engineer... ... sux" so much so that i think i can begin to compile a book on a million and one reason why NOT to be an engineer. Which very indirectly made me to think... do i still want to be an engineer after 5 years? If yes, what about 10 years later?

Don't get me wrong, i still like what i'm doing so i've no problem gulping down all those dead cats, dancing in the wok or swimming in hot water but the main question remain... for how much more longer? Of my friends here agreed that engineer is not a good line of work, the name is good and the starting (this needs to be highlighted as this is the only benifit i see as an engineer) pay is just great but in the long run... well if you done the math, you ain't going to stay there for the money.

I have a friend who has lost his "umph" to continue as an engineer and want to take up lecturing, and this is the most "professional" answer that i've got. All my other friends are more to the financial side of the picture:- one who want to go into investment as an career; another wish to quit and just go back to the family business; one who want to quit and start his own business; and i even have a friend who wants to start a business even before begining practicing. It's all 'bout the money ~~ it's all 'bout the dum dum .... .... ....

So what is there left for me ?? I've not thought about not doing engineering, i've not thought about starting a business... i've not even put much thought about my future for crying out loud... sigh... I'm a good employee till now but will that forever be my path? Just another employee?? Ohhhh~~ the dilemma

Lonely Boloney~

Damn.... i'm having that feeling again ... that feeling of emptiness and endless boredom. Really hate this feeling and to contribute to this i am kinda lazy to work too so i can't drown myself in work to overcome this.... sigh~ ~ ~

I think i know what contribute to this... or at least partially ... ... i've been having an empty MSN list haha... dispite having a relatively long list of contact on my MSN but there is hardly anyone whom i can or want to talk to; and there seems to nobody who wanna talk to me, do i need to establish first contact ?? ... double sigh~ ~ ~

Maybe i should do what Ernie been doing, simply nudge anyone who appears online on the list just to establish a first contact and see who replies... but this leads to another problem, is not like i wanna talk to everyone on my list... triple sigh??? sigh~ ~ ~

hehe... i guess i shouldn't blog too long... dun wanna get caught :p

Belated Bday Celeb ...

Well it's a belated bday celeb alright... but its a belated bday post haha... it's been more than 2 weeks now since my bday and ... well, i can't say that i didn't care ... i guess i'll blame it on my laziness again haha, i guess we can blame virtually anything on laziness :p...

Well this year is quite a special bday for me... coz within 48 hrs i've had 3 different bday cakes from 3 groups of people, first being my bro and my new sis, where they bought a beautiful and tasty chocolate cake. Too bad i wasnt able to sit down and enjoy it to the last piece as i was rusing back to Pg; 2nd from some Ernie n WY, where they bought a last minute cake; and last but not least my colleagues.

Well with the cake, they need a hero right ... so here he is


OMG, seriously... i can't begin to imagine how many of u feel like strangling my right now wuakakaka.... but as if i care :p

We had a short and simple celeb at the cafe but it was fun haha.... thx to all

Wat the hell~~~~~

Arhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Damn moody now~~~~~~~
WTH~~~~~~

.... ...... ..... ....
I just found out that there is a scratch on my new spectacles. Wat the hell~~~ How could it has gotten such a long scratch???!!! What happen!!!! Even my old spectacles don't have this type of scratch... damn damn damn damn damn....

Sigh... nid to get my emo straight, cant let it get into the way of my work today... and YES, i'm in the office now, cube actually, been here since 7 this morning too... :'(

Bad day... bad mood indeed... sigh~~

Dun think i saw it ytd so what happen??? Sigh :'(

A small scratch on my spectacles a big cut in my heart

Buhbye to my first... ...

It was in July 2003 when she came to me... she was the first for me, so it was quite a rush when i for saw her... after undressing her slowly, piece by piece, there she was ... in the naked flesh.... she was mine...

And after a long relationship of 5 odd years... she has endured much punishment from the world. Her body is fill with scars from the harsh world; her face was hit by a high velocity object and scared her beautiful face, ; her body no longers listens to her but today... she took a final blow of them all ... she can no longer smile at me ... and when i look at her now i can feel the pain she is suffering, she now lies broken. But although she can no longer see me nor could i see her, i am lucky that we can still listen to each other... but i doubt this too will last...

...
. . .
. . .

She is my first mobile phone, the Nokia 6610. Even then she was an expensive baby, she cost me about RM950 and i have to pay by installment to my mum for it. To make matters worse are all the contacts that i've saved in her... god this is going to be tough... anyone has the data transfer cable for her?? If u do.. please... please let me have a go and try to salvage all i could from her before i leave her to rest...

Where is Me?

Dun have much "me time" nowadays, been in work mode since the 4th day of CNY, while most people is still on their holiday i am already slaving away at work... cant help to feel like i've lost sync with myself. Really need to sit down and sync up with the working me, home me, friend me and the me me.

There were some time where i would sit around and let my mind run and be creative even while working just to let off some steam but lately... i think i've locked that creative me somewhere and lost the map to his prison cell.

Thinking back bout a few weeks back when i have my mood swings... ... i think partly could be due to this too. HY was giving me a lecture on the importance of intra-communication and pointing out my lil' emotion problem and again saying that i will be the cause of my breakdown.

Like i say, thinking back... being lonely and being in solitude has really made me change in some way, but to think and to tell people around me that i do not have many friends it seems a rather hard to swallow. How could a guy who is as articulate as this have no friends? I mean i'm not that hard to approach kinda guy rite but... i do have very limited friends and even fewer of those whom i wanna talk to when i'm under the weather. Well what HY say is true, i do need to expand my friendship circle. I need a 3rd party friend, away from work, and away from my usual faces... maybe that way i would feel more comfortable if i want to discuss about my problems. At least that way i know it whatever i said will not arrive to the ears of those un-intended.

Well until i'm able to expand tat circle i guess i would need to work harder on my intra-communications skills.

Stress overload~

Before i proceed to today's event allow me to do something...

$^!($!^!$#^()!*$!_$&!%(!^$)!&*$^!%)^)!%&*@_*$+!+$!&_

.... .... thanks
I've been in stress mode since the moment i step into office at 7 till 5 this evening. I'm so upthight and focus that i hardly notice anything around me ... i was concentratng on the meeting when all the sudden i turn and saw Cat looking at me and i almost yell... i was paying too much attention to what i'm doing that i didn't notice her standing there.

I didn't even set a foot at the lab until lunch, to spend so much time at cube seems like a nice feeling. Its relatively quiet and peaceful, i can concentrate on what i'm doing more easily but the down part is that i cant make any noise so i guess that partly contributed to my mounting stress level...

At 5, after i close all my ARs i let out a big sigh and went for a coffee break.... damn that felt good.... but after all the coffee break its back to work ... How can u work under all that stress? I'm learning... just give me time

2 face of a same picture

Its been few days now, with me being under the weather... emotionally i mean. But the fact is, i think its been like this for almost 2 weeks now but it just went downhil just recently.

Sigh~~ There is no doubt in myself that i'm not really in a mood for anything lately and to make things worse is that i am behaving like nothing happened, i'm still the same ol' me to everyone. Just that how succesful i've been on this is a little controversial.

I'm hiding myself behind another me who is incapable of feelings and emotions just that i don't look "different" in front of everyone... well on the other hand, i might look like a zombie that way.

How long will this prolong? How much longer do i need to be like this?

I feel like screaming my lungs out

I feel like i wanna cry inside

I feel like there is a torn somewhere in my body and i can't take it out

I just dun feel like me...

Why is that all the suddenly being lonely sounds so scary to me now? All this while i've care less abuot it but recently even the thought of having dinner alone seems so scary to me now.

Tomorrow is another day .... now where have i put that damn mask of mine... ... ... ...

A puro dolor

Its kinda ironic sometimes... well lately its not sometimes but kinda a lot of times... been feeling wierd... sigh, hate this feeling.

Well today i really wanted to stay late at work, but not because i want to work but just want to find someone to accompany me ... accompany for the nigh, accompany me for dinner. I've been spending so much time at work that somehow i feel kinda lost when i leave for home. I felt detached from the world and my colleagues has somehow become the next to family to me, i spend more time with them than my own housemates, and i even begin to compare them to my family members who i see so seldom. And when everyone leave today it felt like a void in me. All the sudden i felt so lost... so alone... so ...
brrrr... hate this feeling,
...i hate it,
... i hate it...

Was a little lost when looking for a place to eat. Felt that anywhere is the same but i can't decide on a place wanted to go to A but in the end went to B and somehow i felt that deep down in me was hoping i would see a familiar face and accompany me for dinner. Am i thinking too much? Am i feeling too much? Am i sick???

...
... ... A puro dolor is all i feel tonite...

Christmas Learning

This year's Christmas i've learn something which is kinda odd since Christmas is usually a season of giving and receiving but i guess we can learn stuff whenever and wherever... And this year i learn another lesson on friendship.

This is my first Christmas away from home ... well not exactly away from home, but not exactly at home either. Anyway its something new to me... And the feeling to all this... erm... well, i was never a holiday kinda person so it has never occur to me that there was a holiday feeling, i mean other than being lazy. Never actually looked forward for a holiday coz to me all the days in a calender is the same.... but this year there was something different in my life... i start to miss stuff.. hehee.

Well I was in KL and i've spend everynite at home dispite the urge of leaving the house and go somewhere to do something but wasn't able since wasn't able to find anyone to entertain this leech. Until JS called and ask me to arrange a meeting / gathering with those in KL... Well as difficult as it was (at least to me... i seldom do this hahah) i called a few guys and send some sms-es and the response?? Well not bad... Hoong, Wah, and Walter showed up and we have a nice chat and it felt good.

Chat bout each other's working life and the on-goings and gossip on the in and around the uni buddies. Few got wed and some changed job... well its just nice to catch up on each other even though we dun met each other as often as we used to ...

Nway.... the lesson i learn this Christmas is that I do have friends... i'm not the lonely shadow that i think i was ... i've always thought i was the out of sight out of mind kinda character in most people's mind hahaa... thx guys for making me thinking otherwise =)

Hapi moments~~

Its the year end... and there are a lot of ppl that i know are tying they knots with their special someone ... a lovely scene that i guess all of us would enjoy seeing and experincing (except for the big, big hole in your wallet =P)

I had a uni mate who walked the aisle last month and now two of my closest colleagues are tying their knots too... well technically one is going thru the first ring and there other is stepping into the 3rd stage of marriage hehe... if any of them are reading this i think i might appear in the first page of the next morning's paper hahahaa.... but seriously there are nothing more beautiful than seeing your friends finding their life long partners and move on to the next stage of their relationship... its just a nice warm and fuzzy feeling ...

Anyway... like all things in life, not all things are "that" beautiful wuakakaka... due to all this love that is floating in the air i've been brutally "assulted" and "attacked" by friends around me, namely my colleagues
>.<
Since most, if not all, of my closest colleagues have found their special missing piece of their heart that completes' them but that doesn't mean that they have to pick on me right? Sigh~~~ Just because i'm still S.A.D, which stands for Single, Available and Desperate (hehe i thought of this myself =p) but that mean that i'm really desperate. Lately i've been bombarded by them on this topic which left me speechless. Hey not fair... if's its a 1 : 1 battle i believe i'm capable of defending myself but this is more of a gang up.. NOT FAIR~~~~~~~~~~~

To my friends who are reading... i'm still in admist of searching for that missing piece but hey its not a walk down the park u know... firstly, i spend more time in the lab that outside and second... i don't really have that many girl friends who are still available... since most are already taken haha...~~ Lonely~~ I'm Mr. Lonely~~ I have nobody to call my own~~~~ Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely~~~ wuakakakaka

Appreciation

Have you ever heard of the expression of "Overworked and underpaid" ?? Well basically i dun quite mind about the overworked part and i'm not underpaid either... but i what i do really mind is the appreciation part of the job... ... ... Well this post has really got me started thinking, since when i start to care about appreciation and recognition? Am i in dilemma in this? I really don't know but i guess this is a side-effect of working in a company such as this where appreciation and recognition is a part of ur life in the company. No recognition = no contribution = u r nothing ... a hard to swallow fact but i guess when in Rome do what the Roman do.

Anyway i really REALLY do care about is the appreciation from my "customer". I've We've been working our @4$ off for the past two and half months and in the end all i got was a notification saying i'm not good enuf to handle this project. What can i say to this? What more CAN i say? Well i decided to let them know about our hardship and seriously let them know that we are not as "comfortable" as they presume we are.

Did i do the right thing? Does saying what i said make a difference? What am i trying to achieve by saying what i said? Maybe i'm just seeking for some form of recognition from everyone or maybe i'm just trying voice out something for the benefit for everyone on the team. Am i being selfish or am i being protective of my teammates? Am i trying to protect myself or am i trying to protect everyone on the team? A part of me is psyco-ing myself saying that i'm protecting my team but a part of me is telling myself i'm being selfish. So who am i? Selfish or protective?

Bottom line... protective or selfish, i did something that have brought some good around here. At least now those "above" me knows what the hell is going on around here. Two more weeks, just two more weeks and its the end... ... and its the beginind of another cycle of endless work and countless hours... hahaha... welcome to the working world, welcome to my world, the world of the Iron Bangla(s)~~