Well, this is the new year. I should have a new year resolution right? But no.... I am not going to disappoint myself in 2016.
Well maybe i should do a simple one. I think I'll try to do a weekly blog, at least to remind myself of the week that past by and hopefully years down the road I'll be revisiting my own writing and laugh at my stupid younger self. Yea, that sounds fun... making fun of your own self.
Anyway, was back home over the new year and really made the effort to spend time with my parents, bringing them out for meals and being their errand boy. It feel like forever since I've really did it and it felt ok. It's good to be useful around the house again.
Dad told me something that I really want to remind myself for the rest of my life... Dad basically told me this, "As men, when we have a wife, it is our duty to love her and treat her right." well... this is something simple but it's very important lesson in life. Been hearing from mum how dad treat her when she was sick previously, even taking days off from the office just to take care of her.
I guess I get my manners for treating the ladies from my dad. And I got my stubbornness of a relationship from my mum. I have an expectation on how a healthy relationship is supposed to be. How I should treat my lady and how my lady should respond.... and like all things in life, with expectations comes disappointments. All I'm asking is that you share with me your daily life, your problems, your happiness, your thoughts... basically let me experience your day once awhile. I feel that it is important for me to know what is going on in your daily life so that when we do get together in the future, I know what you go thru and I'll know how to treat you.
As a talkative person, I really like to share my thoughts and feelings but I will need someone to listen to begin with. The reason I started blogging is because I wasn't able to find someone for me to rant to. I don't want to simply rant to anyone, I just want to rant to you, that special someone... I don't usually open my heart to anyone so please don't make me re-seal the seal that I've broken.
Just don't....
... I just want to be loved....
... ... Is that so much to asked for?
... Really?
Monday, January 11, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Summary of my life in 2015?
Wow, I can't believe that I've been away from my blog for so long. And again, this is the time of the year again that makes you to review what happened during the past 11 months.
2014 was a exciting year for me and I was thinking it will be hard to top it but I guess I was wrong. Every year will have something that lurks around the corner and give you a surprised and 2015 is much a roller-coster ride.
2015... the year where I met my personal goal to actually work abroad, leaving my country. Although i got the job offer of working in Mexico, i have to let it go just because I was not able to come to an agreement with my parents but all was not lost as I was able to land a job in the neighbouring Singapore, which is not to shabby i guess.
Leaving for Singapore has been an adventure. I was forced to leave my comfort zone and go out to relearn everything. It has also taught me an invaluable lesson of appreciation, oh... how i missed the guilty pleasure of driving to the footsteps to malls or to the office; how I missed those late night hang outs with friends, chit chatting away too the wee hours of the night; how I missed having a kitchen of my own to do some cooking whenever I feel like it. So much more I missed, so much I've now looked back and thought to myself, damn those are freedom.
It has also taught me some life lessons mainly of those I once mentioned on Facebook
It has also taught me the pain of loneliness and solitude. This 8 months in Singapore has been among the loneliest time I've ever had to myself. There are just nobody for me to do anything with. Yes, I do still have some friends here but I can't always go and bug them can't I? My colleagues were once my closest family away from my real family, but over here.... I hardly have a chance to mingle with my colleagues. The solitude is real, the pain is real.... the loneliness are beyond words. I've spend hours roaming Singapore, looking for places to visit and to eat but even that has it limits when you are always alone. Up to the point that I've now countless hours hiding in my room, alone, talking to myself from time to time. I drive myself up to wall sometimes. Is it that difficult to get a friend here? Or it is just me? Just me bring pathetic and shy myself away from everyone? I don't know.
With 2016 around the corner I do hope it will be a better year for me. I'm damn afraid of solitude now ... I really am.... so please help me...
2014 was a exciting year for me and I was thinking it will be hard to top it but I guess I was wrong. Every year will have something that lurks around the corner and give you a surprised and 2015 is much a roller-coster ride.
2015... the year where I met my personal goal to actually work abroad, leaving my country. Although i got the job offer of working in Mexico, i have to let it go just because I was not able to come to an agreement with my parents but all was not lost as I was able to land a job in the neighbouring Singapore, which is not to shabby i guess.
Leaving for Singapore has been an adventure. I was forced to leave my comfort zone and go out to relearn everything. It has also taught me an invaluable lesson of appreciation, oh... how i missed the guilty pleasure of driving to the footsteps to malls or to the office; how I missed those late night hang outs with friends, chit chatting away too the wee hours of the night; how I missed having a kitchen of my own to do some cooking whenever I feel like it. So much more I missed, so much I've now looked back and thought to myself, damn those are freedom.
It has also taught me some life lessons mainly of those I once mentioned on Facebook
1. Nobody will understand the amount of sacrifice you've made when you decided to move.
2. Regardless of how much you make, they will automatically assumed you are now rich.
3. It is never easy starting out new again.
4. You will miss the little guilty pleasures you did back home such as hanging out till wee hours in the morning, or the call from your friend that they are now outside your house waiting for you.
5. You actually begin to understand the cliche "There's no place like home" .
6. The colour of the grass are only as green as you perceive it to be
7. Things that doesn't seems that important back then are among the most important thing to you today.
8. How a phone call or message change the "distance" between people.
9. People will say how enviously they are of you but they will not make the same decision as you because.... "reasons" .
10. How old your parents has become since you decided to leave home.It has also taught me the pain of loneliness and solitude. This 8 months in Singapore has been among the loneliest time I've ever had to myself. There are just nobody for me to do anything with. Yes, I do still have some friends here but I can't always go and bug them can't I? My colleagues were once my closest family away from my real family, but over here.... I hardly have a chance to mingle with my colleagues. The solitude is real, the pain is real.... the loneliness are beyond words. I've spend hours roaming Singapore, looking for places to visit and to eat but even that has it limits when you are always alone. Up to the point that I've now countless hours hiding in my room, alone, talking to myself from time to time. I drive myself up to wall sometimes. Is it that difficult to get a friend here? Or it is just me? Just me bring pathetic and shy myself away from everyone? I don't know.
With 2016 around the corner I do hope it will be a better year for me. I'm damn afraid of solitude now ... I really am.... so please help me...
Monday, March 31, 2014
Who am I? (part 2)
Just had another thought of myself, which is also among something I say many times to a lot of people.
I am a good person
But not many people believe me ... so I continued with
When I told people that I'm a good person, no people would believe me and say I'm a bad person... so I do what I am expected to do ... do bad MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA~~~~~ but deep down... well i'm not good but i'm not that evil either... i'm just playful, childish and slightly naughty.
Goodbye EV.....
Well... it's been a roller coaster ride last week and without a doubt it's a stressful week. I can't believe after all this time working in this team, it's going to be gone soon.
Yes.... Gone....
The upper management has decided to cut the site away and my team is going to be officially dissolved soon, maybe too soon... It's a little sad to know that they will be dismissing the site, and it's devastating that to know that I'll be out of job. Dayum.
It took me awhile to actually collect myself and to start to think positively but what positive things could i possibly think of? Giving me a chance to look into myself and reflect on my achievement? Well... maybe. Now I need to think of what can I do after I'm out of work, what do I want to do? What about my house? What about my studies? What about my other commitments? It's really stressful.
Hopefully I'll be ok .... Wish my luck.
Yes.... Gone....
The upper management has decided to cut the site away and my team is going to be officially dissolved soon, maybe too soon... It's a little sad to know that they will be dismissing the site, and it's devastating that to know that I'll be out of job. Dayum.
It took me awhile to actually collect myself and to start to think positively but what positive things could i possibly think of? Giving me a chance to look into myself and reflect on my achievement? Well... maybe. Now I need to think of what can I do after I'm out of work, what do I want to do? What about my house? What about my studies? What about my other commitments? It's really stressful.
Hopefully I'll be ok .... Wish my luck.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Hi Blogger
After disappearing for so many years, I finally came back. Again the thing that brought me back was the fact that I've not been in the happiest of mode lately, heck.... I don't think I've been my honestly happy for the past 5 months. But it's been among the lowest of moods recently. Let's try to sum up the blunder that I've been going through so I may look this up sometime in the future and laugh at my silliness and stupidity in the near future.
To my friends who knows me and may be reading this. I hold tightly to pain and sadness in my life and only sharing my smile and laughs when I'm with you. But rainbows don't last forever, I too have my low periods, I too need some time out.... I too need a shoulder and an ear to express myself. I'm only human.
Sorry to say to myself is that it is very hard for me to talk this out to anyone as I lack to trust to express myself to people. In my recent attempt to express to some of my friends, it turn out even worse as the one whom i thought is the most willing to listen to was is not really interested in hearing me out while the other friend was trying very hard to be the listener; to be honest I feel bad for her so i end up stop talking and switch role to be the listener instead. Maybe everyone of us was in a bad mood, and everyone was just looking for some time out thus the awkward environment.
So in the end... I think words are my only friend, and my alternate identity works the best to channel my frustration in the most elegant way possible. And here I am again.... blogging my frustration away.
- Oct 2013 - heard something that I've been longing for and was damn happy about it, although there were some sort of restriction but I'm happy. And was damn looking forward for my vacation.
- Nov 2013 - decision was revoked and then it sprung a streak of mood swings which was rather unpleasant. To top it up, I was in a continuous marathon to complete all my assignments which was going to be due
- Dec 2013 - Trying to sum up everything I've done throughout my life of 2013 and knowing that I've actually have not done much.... rather demoralizing seeing I'm no longer the young brat that has time to spare.
- Jan 2014 - Exam. What more do I need to say. It's been more than 6 years since I've actually attended any form of examination so it was a very stressful period not to mention having to cope with the workload from office. Not to mention a not so happy New Year's Eve celebration with some friends.
- Feb 2014 - The passing of a friend, my buddy to be exact. The girl whom I guided and try to assimilate into the company's culture and to Penang life. The girl who is kind and friendly to everyone. After a year of battling cancer, she has finally moved on to a better place. My greatest regret was not making the effort to pay her a visit when I still have a chance. It happen just as i was discharged from hospital due to my allergies so i can't make the drive to attend her wake. Such regret.
- March 2014 - As the news of my passing friend was very near to my own birthday, it was a little hard not to think too much about it yet I try to enjoy myself. Next was the news of my "failure" at work. Which was among the hardest blow I've receive in my life. The good news was, a close friend of mine got married so it wasn't all that bad for "my month" i guess.
To my friends who knows me and may be reading this. I hold tightly to pain and sadness in my life and only sharing my smile and laughs when I'm with you. But rainbows don't last forever, I too have my low periods, I too need some time out.... I too need a shoulder and an ear to express myself. I'm only human.
Sorry to say to myself is that it is very hard for me to talk this out to anyone as I lack to trust to express myself to people. In my recent attempt to express to some of my friends, it turn out even worse as the one whom i thought is the most willing to listen to was is not really interested in hearing me out while the other friend was trying very hard to be the listener; to be honest I feel bad for her so i end up stop talking and switch role to be the listener instead. Maybe everyone of us was in a bad mood, and everyone was just looking for some time out thus the awkward environment.
So in the end... I think words are my only friend, and my alternate identity works the best to channel my frustration in the most elegant way possible. And here I am again.... blogging my frustration away.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Words
The Pathetic Poet is a character of words
Words that represent his inner works
The sadder he is the more writes
The sadder he is his thought unites
Sad and misery is all there is
To fuel his passion and raises his skill
Words to express what he feel
Words get complex in daily use
Words can be a built of character
Words may be the greatest deceiver
Writing in words to express his feel
Speaking those words is harder that steel
Writing words is filling in by parts
Speaking the words may hurt some hearts
From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet
Words that represent his inner works
The sadder he is the more writes
The sadder he is his thought unites
Sad and misery is all there is
To fuel his passion and raises his skill
Words to express what he feel
Words get complex in daily use
Words can be a built of character
Words may be the greatest deceiver
Writing in words to express his feel
Speaking those words is harder that steel
Writing words is filling in by parts
Speaking the words may hurt some hearts
From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Sometimes the world wanted to be cared
Sometimes looking for someone to listen,
Sometimes looking for someone to be there,
Sometimes looking for someone to reason,
Sometimes looking for someone who cares....
The world today with a lot of problem,
The world today is not fair,
The world today is less functional,
The world today is as if no one cared...
Who am I to the world today,
I am nothing but a pawn to be played,
Why must I alone to face all this problem,
All I wanted is to be cared...
From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet
Sometimes looking for someone to be there,
Sometimes looking for someone to reason,
Sometimes looking for someone who cares....
The world today with a lot of problem,
The world today is not fair,
The world today is less functional,
The world today is as if no one cared...
Who am I to the world today,
I am nothing but a pawn to be played,
Why must I alone to face all this problem,
All I wanted is to be cared...
From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet
Monday, October 18, 2010
Who am I ?
All the sudden I have a surge of thought. This is my 4th year working and going into my 3rd year in "I". Looking back at what I have achieved seems to be ... ... ... nothing. Back in my early days of working back in "S", I don't have ownership towards anything and my role there is just to provide support. Support for board debug, support for rework, support for under-staff. It was just support, support and support, the only project give to me was even later killed which give me a big "WTF!!!" through my head. And with those points in mind, I left. Left for another company elsewhere hoping that things can and will be different.
But did it ??
So I started my journey in Penang, working in "I" where most people often mistaken as a "rich people population" company i.e. high pay and execelent benefits. But how true is that statement? I can't deny that my pay and the benefit here is certainly better than my ex-company but is it a par with all those around me ? That is a question mark. Anyway going into my 3rd year of service, my pay is not that much higher than a fresh graduate and i'm not getting the proper recognization from my manager which lead me to think, what the hell am I still doing here? Overworked and under appreciated. Luckily for me, there is a change in management and it seems (and i do mean it SEEMS) that my new manager seems to be sheading some light on me.... well I'll see how it goes on from here, hopefully it's worth the wait and effort.
Shifting gear into something less official yet equally stressful... ... ...
4 years in the industry, 5 years in tertiary education and another 5 years in secondary education; 15-16 years of my life meeting people, knowing people, interacting with people all almost on a daily basis and yet... ... ... one word, lonely . Pathetic? May be ... I've put too much of my effort in work, studies and activities that I've neglected love, emotions and feelings; all of which I have little or none. I'm 27 this year and I'm seeing a lot of my friends tying their knots with their significant others while some are in progress to upgrade their status to Daddy.
All this lead me think that something is wrong with my lifestyle and I needed to change. I need more time outside of office, outside of work so I took up another hobby, photography. But the problem is ... ... now I spend less time in the office/lab but I spend the equivalent time at home editing the photos that I took which brings me back to square one. I still can't met new friends. Work and photography... the things that I love and have passion for and it is also the thing that is and may absolutely kills me....
May be I'm better off alone and lonely... which reminds me of another song that perfectly fits the current me.林凡：一个人生活
I guess I better stick to these words ... 不再当宅男，立志当个快乐的摄影人!!! as much flaw there is in this sentence but currently it is the only thing that I can relate and feel happy about. When there is no hope around, the faintest light can seems so bright.
But did it ??
So I started my journey in Penang, working in "I" where most people often mistaken as a "rich people population" company i.e. high pay and execelent benefits. But how true is that statement? I can't deny that my pay and the benefit here is certainly better than my ex-company but is it a par with all those around me ? That is a question mark. Anyway going into my 3rd year of service, my pay is not that much higher than a fresh graduate and i'm not getting the proper recognization from my manager which lead me to think, what the hell am I still doing here? Overworked and under appreciated. Luckily for me, there is a change in management and it seems (and i do mean it SEEMS) that my new manager seems to be sheading some light on me.... well I'll see how it goes on from here, hopefully it's worth the wait and effort.
Shifting gear into something less official yet equally stressful... ... ...
4 years in the industry, 5 years in tertiary education and another 5 years in secondary education; 15-16 years of my life meeting people, knowing people, interacting with people all almost on a daily basis and yet... ... ... one word, lonely . Pathetic? May be ... I've put too much of my effort in work, studies and activities that I've neglected love, emotions and feelings; all of which I have little or none. I'm 27 this year and I'm seeing a lot of my friends tying their knots with their significant others while some are in progress to upgrade their status to Daddy.
All this lead me think that something is wrong with my lifestyle and I needed to change. I need more time outside of office, outside of work so I took up another hobby, photography. But the problem is ... ... now I spend less time in the office/lab but I spend the equivalent time at home editing the photos that I took which brings me back to square one. I still can't met new friends. Work and photography... the things that I love and have passion for and it is also the thing that is and may absolutely kills me....
May be I'm better off alone and lonely... which reminds me of another song that perfectly fits the current me.林凡：一个人生活
I guess I better stick to these words ... 不再当宅男，立志当个快乐的摄影人!!! as much flaw there is in this sentence but currently it is the only thing that I can relate and feel happy about. When there is no hope around, the faintest light can seems so bright.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Random Thoughts #
Been rather emo for the past 48 hours. May be i was in touch with it, which is not something that i do very often. The good part of it is that i found out something about myself that i didn't know previously (even sometimes it may not be a pleasent one) the bad part to it is that... well i'm being emo (not something i enjoy) and to counter that, my evil twin is taking over in some sense. And as a result... I got some work done ^.^ (as i've been being lazy for the past few days).
Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.
hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.
AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!
Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.
hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.
AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Still friends.
I hate having de javu feelings but sometime it just happens. Been having a lot of discussion about my love life by a lot of people just too many times and as open as i am to the discussion sometimes it gets eerie and odd sometimes. People are just not satisfied until either they get a good explaination or until they get a good scolding which is either me or them.
I need to really make out a good explaination for myself for this else it's going to be hard to conveince people that i'm normal. Let me try to recall what reasons that i've given to others, i will sometime i tell people that ...
On the contrary, some argued that it is because that i've not let go of something or in this case, someone and I always denied this as i don't believe it to be true. But something suddenly strikes me... ... that this statement may actually be true, there is someone occupying that little small space in me ... but the person is not the person whom some believe it to be, is someone else. May be there is just someone whom i cant get over which somehow made me ... ... ... me. Coming to this sometimes i kind of curse myself. Cursing myself to wake up and move on.
I need to really make out a good explaination for myself for this else it's going to be hard to conveince people that i'm normal. Let me try to recall what reasons that i've given to others, i will sometime i tell people that ...
- i have a small heart, i don't have much space to put so much stuff
- there is no "feeling" being developed / arise
- i don't meet much people
- all of my female friends are either attached or married
On the contrary, some argued that it is because that i've not let go of something or in this case, someone and I always denied this as i don't believe it to be true. But something suddenly strikes me... ... that this statement may actually be true, there is someone occupying that little small space in me ... but the person is not the person whom some believe it to be, is someone else. May be there is just someone whom i cant get over which somehow made me ... ... ... me. Coming to this sometimes i kind of curse myself. Cursing myself to wake up and move on.
I always tell people that i don't develop feelings towards anything easily just because i've learned to somehow manage to control how to manipulate my feelings so i can easily overlook certain emotions. The problem comes is when a feeling does arise and when it does, it just sticks there. Having brought up in a family with (as far as i know) were all in a very long relationship and honour loyality, it just make things worse.
Writing this post remind me of a few songs which really suits my current mood and this post...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNh7udqo4Fc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrkMpPhF3U
Nevertheless... we are, of course, still friends... Yesterday, today and tomorrow... still ... ... just friends.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
101010
10th October 2010... a date that will never repeat itself ever again (unless we live in a Matrix-like world which gets reset whenver something goes wrong) and i had a very happy and wonderful 101010.
First thing first... gratz to Bro ^.^ hahahahaha happy news indeed !!!
Next... .... Well i had a very happy 091010 and 101010 but too bad is that i'm curently too tired to talk about it. I just wanna make a note here that it was magnificant, had a good time catching up and a good laugh. For friendship... cheers~~~
I'll fil in on the details on a later day nitez world
First thing first... gratz to Bro ^.^ hahahahaha happy news indeed !!!
Next... .... Well i had a very happy 091010 and 101010 but too bad is that i'm curently too tired to talk about it. I just wanna make a note here that it was magnificant, had a good time catching up and a good laugh. For friendship... cheers~~~
I'll fil in on the details on a later day nitez world
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Financial suicide
I finally taken the leap of faith and jump of the cliff... the item that i've longed for a very long time is finally in my arms. FYI to those who may not know what was it that i longed for, it was basically a DSLR. Felt the drive into photography a couple of years ago but it wasn't until recently that i felt my photography skill really improved, kudos to my mentors especially Haziezol. Due to my improvement, i felt that my existing model may no longer able to provide me with the photo quality that i seek for, for the shots i wanted..
I've been aiming for a DSLR camera for at least 8 to 12 months and been pushing and pushing further away the dream of gettting the camera. Basically it was due to financial reasons. But recently... just late last week on i finally take the courage to do the unthinkable (at least on my mind it was) to do a financial suicide to throw my savings and bought the camera. And within 4 days after purchasing it, i've shot 1400+ shoots haha ... yea that felt good....
Last weekend program was fantastic...
0830 - 0910 Free shooting
0910 - 1300 Couple portrait shooting
1810 - 23.00 Colleague wedding dinnr
23.00 - 0200 Coffee session
0230 - 0300 bath and waiting for bed...
0600 - wake up... (due to sms haha)
0800 - 0930 Breakfast
1000 - 1230 Badminton ( i was with my camera most of the time)
1400 Reach home ...
1400 - 1600 photo editing + some clicking here and there
1600 - 1840 Zzzzzzzz... (i hardly believe i will sleep actually but i was just drained)
1840 - 2000 Cooking and dinner
2000 - 0000 Continue photo edit + internet clicking :)
Damn it was a tiring weekend but i enjoy every last minute of it ... i wonder what will i do this weekend?? =)
I leave with the mug shoot of myself of the damage that i've induced on myself to remind of myself that I like photoshoot and i should continue pursue it and keep it up.. yea~~
I've been aiming for a DSLR camera for at least 8 to 12 months and been pushing and pushing further away the dream of gettting the camera. Basically it was due to financial reasons. But recently... just late last week on i finally take the courage to do the unthinkable (at least on my mind it was) to do a financial suicide to throw my savings and bought the camera. And within 4 days after purchasing it, i've shot 1400+ shoots haha ... yea that felt good....
Last weekend program was fantastic...
0830 - 0910 Free shooting
0910 - 1300 Couple portrait shooting
1810 - 23.00 Colleague wedding dinnr
23.00 - 0200 Coffee session
0230 - 0300 bath and waiting for bed...
0600 - wake up... (due to sms haha)
0800 - 0930 Breakfast
1000 - 1230 Badminton ( i was with my camera most of the time)
1400 Reach home ...
1400 - 1600 photo editing + some clicking here and there
1600 - 1840 Zzzzzzzz... (i hardly believe i will sleep actually but i was just drained)
1840 - 2000 Cooking and dinner
2000 - 0000 Continue photo edit + internet clicking :)
Damn it was a tiring weekend but i enjoy every last minute of it ... i wonder what will i do this weekend?? =)
I leave with the mug shoot of myself of the damage that i've induced on myself to remind of myself that I like photoshoot and i should continue pursue it and keep it up.. yea~~
Monday, September 20, 2010
Camera -> Kimera -> Chimera
Camera.. camera... camera...
That is what that has been popping around here and there. It has been an endless effort by all to push me into that deep hole and entrap me in the web of mirrors and pixels. No offence, i already own a camera and yes may be it's quite old and the techie-ness is way way off but it's a still a rather good camera and it's been with me for many years.
I use to have an internal battle between a 60D with a 7D... and i finally decided to go with a 7D. Which brings me to the next level of battle. Cash... Cold hard cash. The 7D have a pricy price tag... more than that i earn a month and that is before deducting all the "this and that"s ... and (yes there is another and) that is EXCLUSIVE the lense which could cost me another bundle of "joy" and tears. The cheapest lense, which is the only lense that i can afford now, is the 50mm f/1.8 which cost almost RM300... and the lense which is on my saliva-drooling-wishlist is the 24-70mm f2.8 L USM IS lense which cost approximately 18.2 times of the 50mm. No kidding, it's approximately 18x the price.
A camera is a freaking expensive hobby and i've set foot in it. Damn.... so is there a way that i can escape this fate? Yup.. i don't buy a dSLR in the first place then i'm free~~~ Yes i'm damn tempted to buy but i still need to worry about what i'm gonna eat for the next few weeks right? Damn all of you who only knows how to "promote" but never thinks on my behalf... sigh ....
YES... i am still going to proceed in getting the camera, it's just ... well a matter of time .... and money.... which again translate back into time.... (i can go on and on and on... )
That is what that has been popping around here and there. It has been an endless effort by all to push me into that deep hole and entrap me in the web of mirrors and pixels. No offence, i already own a camera and yes may be it's quite old and the techie-ness is way way off but it's a still a rather good camera and it's been with me for many years.
I use to have an internal battle between a 60D with a 7D... and i finally decided to go with a 7D. Which brings me to the next level of battle. Cash... Cold hard cash. The 7D have a pricy price tag... more than that i earn a month and that is before deducting all the "this and that"s ... and (yes there is another and) that is EXCLUSIVE the lense which could cost me another bundle of "joy" and tears. The cheapest lense, which is the only lense that i can afford now, is the 50mm f/1.8 which cost almost RM300... and the lense which is on my saliva-drooling-wishlist is the 24-70mm f2.8 L USM IS lense which cost approximately 18.2 times of the 50mm. No kidding, it's approximately 18x the price.
A camera is a freaking expensive hobby and i've set foot in it. Damn.... so is there a way that i can escape this fate? Yup.. i don't buy a dSLR in the first place then i'm free~~~ Yes i'm damn tempted to buy but i still need to worry about what i'm gonna eat for the next few weeks right? Damn all of you who only knows how to "promote" but never thinks on my behalf... sigh ....
YES... i am still going to proceed in getting the camera, it's just ... well a matter of time .... and money.... which again translate back into time.... (i can go on and on and on... )
Monday, September 13, 2010
NWO...
As most of you would have noticed by now (or not :p) i spend a lot of time on the internet. Most of the time i will spend my free time "Youtube"-ing on mass variety of topics, from food channel to weapons of destruction to history to myths and legends to educational and even to mind twisting stuff of conspiricies. The internet is a BIG library and if you know where to look, you usually will be able to find a topic of your choice.
Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.
I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.
Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....
Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.
I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.
Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
The fear of 1000 days ahead...
Been to hospital lately and i notice that i was 27 years and 6 months old ... so in another 2 years and 6 months i would have leave the boundaries of 2x and be in the 3x region of my life. Not a pretty number to look at. Sigh... But on the bright side, did you know there is actually a joke about men being refered to as a bottle of wine while women are refered to as flowers? For wine, it taste better with age while flowers withers with age. Been joking with bro about nobody knows how to drink this distictive bottle from the 1983 vintage which was a partial reason that i'm still lonely. Partially... yup... partially... I am not the kind of person who knows what i'm feeling and i've not been putting much effort on feeling lately, a very long ago "lately".
I've been putting a lot of my time, effort and energy on work and recently photo shooting that i've not given any thought on any other things. The other things i mean is on my relationship. Like i was saying in another 2 years and 6 monts i'll be 30 and i'm still the lonely leech that most people knows since high school. As i recall, the last time i actually put or given any thoughts of having a relationship was back in my uni days, which has long left me. It's kind of a culture in my team to start bragging me about having a relationship and every single girl that came in seems to be a kicker for another round of bombardment.
Sometimes i can't help to think that the reason for me not having any thoughts in this is due to my commitment to work or it was due to my lack of emotions or simple due to my ignorance? Seriously, it seems that there is nobody i know nowadays that is able to trigger the urge in me. Well men have to feel the urge before they start to do courting process right? It seems that the last time i even feel attracted to a girl was back in uni... hmmmm.... what is wrong with me? I have no idea, i just know that all my effort are now in work and in photography.
I've been putting a lot of my time, effort and energy on work and recently photo shooting that i've not given any thought on any other things. The other things i mean is on my relationship. Like i was saying in another 2 years and 6 monts i'll be 30 and i'm still the lonely leech that most people knows since high school. As i recall, the last time i actually put or given any thoughts of having a relationship was back in my uni days, which has long left me. It's kind of a culture in my team to start bragging me about having a relationship and every single girl that came in seems to be a kicker for another round of bombardment.
Sometimes i can't help to think that the reason for me not having any thoughts in this is due to my commitment to work or it was due to my lack of emotions or simple due to my ignorance? Seriously, it seems that there is nobody i know nowadays that is able to trigger the urge in me. Well men have to feel the urge before they start to do courting process right? It seems that the last time i even feel attracted to a girl was back in uni... hmmmm.... what is wrong with me? I have no idea, i just know that all my effort are now in work and in photography.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Quickie update ~~
I think i can describe how my week went in 2 simple pictures hehehe ...
So this was me just earlier last week... just stand by (yup i think this is what standby really meant) the table waiting to do work...
And this is me ... later that same week... lying on the table and being "worked on"... hahaha this makes me think, how fragile a human can be... hmmmm ... so here i am on a 8 day MC and recuperating back at home now ... and come to think of it, recuperating can be a painful thing for me... not use to having to rest and rest and rest...
This is my 2nd time taking MC after working for 3 years... hahah so excited...
Anyway too much time in hand ... sigh... so when there are time there are thoughts... Some "Me time" again hahaha
PS: Yup i took this idea from a friend hahahaaa .... XD
So this was me just earlier last week... just stand by (yup i think this is what standby really meant) the table waiting to do work...
And this is me ... later that same week... lying on the table and being "worked on"... hahaha this makes me think, how fragile a human can be... hmmmm ... so here i am on a 8 day MC and recuperating back at home now ... and come to think of it, recuperating can be a painful thing for me... not use to having to rest and rest and rest...This is my 2nd time taking MC after working for 3 years... hahah so excited...
Anyway too much time in hand ... sigh... so when there are time there are thoughts... Some "Me time" again hahaha
PS: Yup i took this idea from a friend hahahaaa .... XD
Monday, August 30, 2010
Travelling ....
Been thinking (and whenever that happens, something is not right) i've been working for 3 years adn 3 months now and ... well... i feel stuck... i'm stuck here and here only... btw i mean our "lovely" country. Most of my friends have did some travelling in their work career but not me... sigh...
My ex-colleagues went travel and biz trip almost immediately after i left, one of them even when Japan for 2 weeks? And my other course mates who joined the same company (but different org) got a chance to travel and they joined later than me...
I don't know why i feel bad about this, may be is because many people ask me about this a lot, for e.g. ...
Friend A: Hey, you didn't travel to US?
Friend B: Ya... When are you going to US??
Me: Er... the things i'm doing will not allow me to travel.
Friend A: Really??? My friend just went to xxxxx for y-months for training.
Friend B: Ya and many of my friends from "W" company got a chance, some even went there couple of times. I thought all US based MNC will travel also to US. Not like that meh?
Me: Er... ... ... ... ... No... ... obviously... #sigh#
I'm not sure how many of you guys have ever been into this kinda awkward situation but i've been in a lot which can be kind of frustrating if you think about it. Well it's a sucky feeling whenever i get this questions.... well i guess that's my life...
My ex-colleagues went travel and biz trip almost immediately after i left, one of them even when Japan for 2 weeks? And my other course mates who joined the same company (but different org) got a chance to travel and they joined later than me...
I don't know why i feel bad about this, may be is because many people ask me about this a lot, for e.g. ...
Friend A: Hey, you didn't travel to US?
Friend B: Ya... When are you going to US??
Me: Er... the things i'm doing will not allow me to travel.
Friend A: Really??? My friend just went to xxxxx for y-months for training.
Friend B: Ya and many of my friends from "W" company got a chance, some even went there couple of times. I thought all US based MNC will travel also to US. Not like that meh?
Me: Er... ... ... ... ... No... ... obviously... #sigh#
I'm not sure how many of you guys have ever been into this kinda awkward situation but i've been in a lot which can be kind of frustrating if you think about it. Well it's a sucky feeling whenever i get this questions.... well i guess that's my life...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Lappy down~~~
Today has proven as my most unproductive day. Went to lab ar around 7 and switched on my laptop.. i click on scan disk the day before so i allow it to do it thing and i went for my usual coffee. I got back and noticed that it is still running the scan disk thingu so i sat there over my cup of coffee and my magazine and do some reading (which is something i don't usually do even when i have nothing to do at home)... page after page i read... the scan disk thing is still doing it's thing... ... i saw good news.. it's at 98% and as i wait eagerly, i turn another few pages on my magazine and then i noticed that my laptop shut down.. hmmm that's strange, i don't recall the system to shut down after a scan disk... anyway i turn it on and let it load.... ... ... then it happened... everything turned blue... aiks~~~ it's the blue screen. I shut down and turn it on again and there it was again .. damn~~ my HDD crashed...
Took it to IT and got it fix... the diagonastic took another hour because they want to make sure it's the HDD problem and by that time it's almost 11. They say they will need to rebuilt the HDD and will take them 3 hours. Also they will call me when it's done...
Its almost 4pm and i still didn't get their call... i went to IT just to know that they weren't able to get me.. (stupid la with it's lousy reception) and with the restore and mumbo jumbo it finally dragged m till 6pm... there goes my day...
A whole day of nothingness.. no work, no progress, and no update... and whenever i have time i'll think of something and whenever i think of something i ended up feeling down and blue just like that blue screen... what am i doing in the team anyway??? My boss doesn't seems to appreciate me and to make it worse i felt being de-appreciated by my former boss to my new boss... if i'm that not important then why have me in the first place? Like the name suggest... it's Legacy "lei gau si" (in direct translation, it meant "your shit") so that is who i am.. the shit collector...
Took it to IT and got it fix... the diagonastic took another hour because they want to make sure it's the HDD problem and by that time it's almost 11. They say they will need to rebuilt the HDD and will take them 3 hours. Also they will call me when it's done...
Its almost 4pm and i still didn't get their call... i went to IT just to know that they weren't able to get me.. (stupid la with it's lousy reception) and with the restore and mumbo jumbo it finally dragged m till 6pm... there goes my day...
A whole day of nothingness.. no work, no progress, and no update... and whenever i have time i'll think of something and whenever i think of something i ended up feeling down and blue just like that blue screen... what am i doing in the team anyway??? My boss doesn't seems to appreciate me and to make it worse i felt being de-appreciated by my former boss to my new boss... if i'm that not important then why have me in the first place? Like the name suggest... it's Legacy "lei gau si" (in direct translation, it meant "your shit") so that is who i am.. the shit collector...
Monday, August 02, 2010
MIA...
THis is a common title that i put in my blog... but what to do... i'm engaged lately...
...
... ...
... ... ...
no i'm not "engaged" engaged.. i'm just occupied.
I've been away to Yogyakarta few weeks back (and i'm now still working on getting the photos up >.<) then i was all tied up with work, since i was away for a whole week. Then all hell broke loose when Chris gimme the crack to my long awaited Assassins Creed 2. I got the game for over a month now but i was not able to crack it so it was lying ideal in my desktop and now .. wuakakakakak i'm stressing it everynight (not only my PC but i'm also suffering coz of it hahahaha ) which in turn cause the super delay in my photo editing and uploading
Over the weekend i notice that my phone went dead... yes it is DEAD~!!!! the batteries went flat and i wan't able to charge it .. damnit!!!! My Diamond is dead .. wt... .... hell!!!
Today ... yes today....
I went to QB to send to the shop and that cost me RM150 and now ... Well my house seems to be powerless.. literally ... there is no power in my apartment so i'm forced to stay in my friend's place ..
Ain't my day indeed... sigh....
I wanna go home :'(
...
... ...
... ... ...
no i'm not "engaged" engaged.. i'm just occupied.
I've been away to Yogyakarta few weeks back (and i'm now still working on getting the photos up >.<) then i was all tied up with work, since i was away for a whole week. Then all hell broke loose when Chris gimme the crack to my long awaited Assassins Creed 2. I got the game for over a month now but i was not able to crack it so it was lying ideal in my desktop and now .. wuakakakakak i'm stressing it everynight (not only my PC but i'm also suffering coz of it hahahaha ) which in turn cause the super delay in my photo editing and uploading
Over the weekend i notice that my phone went dead... yes it is DEAD~!!!! the batteries went flat and i wan't able to charge it .. damnit!!!! My Diamond is dead .. wt... .... hell!!!
Today ... yes today....
I went to QB to send to the shop and that cost me RM150 and now ... Well my house seems to be powerless.. literally ... there is no power in my apartment so i'm forced to stay in my friend's place ..
Ain't my day indeed... sigh....
I wanna go home :'(
Saturday, July 03, 2010
The future is in ... ... whose hand?
I have to admit that i am no pious person and i am a strong believer that you have the power to determine and shape your future. Yet... sometime i can't help to think that there is somebody up there who guides me and even grant me my wish to accomplish my goal.
There are many times in my life where i feel like giving up as i see my goal slip further and further away from me yet something happen and give me hope again. That my goal of mine is still within my graps if i work harder and push harder for it and i did. During the few times that i fell, hurt and bleed... i almost went thru something equivalent to hell to me and i climb back up. I work hard to accomplish the goals that i've set for myself.
But on the personal side... "He" has not given me much on the relationship area. All my hopes and achievement that i've wanted was achieved but never when it came to relationship. From normal friends to that special some one... i sux when it comes to human to human relationship as I am very good in screwing up my relationship with people around me.
Again... now i have another dream and achievement that i wish to achieve... will You give me that same support that You have given to me previously? I no longer have any hope for a relationship thus i will take this as the principle of equivalent trade... to trade my life for a happy relationship for a life of great achievement... can i do it just like how i've did it previously? Only time will tell ....
There are many times in my life where i feel like giving up as i see my goal slip further and further away from me yet something happen and give me hope again. That my goal of mine is still within my graps if i work harder and push harder for it and i did. During the few times that i fell, hurt and bleed... i almost went thru something equivalent to hell to me and i climb back up. I work hard to accomplish the goals that i've set for myself.
But on the personal side... "He" has not given me much on the relationship area. All my hopes and achievement that i've wanted was achieved but never when it came to relationship. From normal friends to that special some one... i sux when it comes to human to human relationship as I am very good in screwing up my relationship with people around me.
Again... now i have another dream and achievement that i wish to achieve... will You give me that same support that You have given to me previously? I no longer have any hope for a relationship thus i will take this as the principle of equivalent trade... to trade my life for a happy relationship for a life of great achievement... can i do it just like how i've did it previously? Only time will tell ....
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