Frustration with a name

Before i continue further i think i should point this out

How many of you guys (and gals) out there knows my name's "proper" pronunciation ?
How many of you knows the correct spelling to my name?
How many of you answered Yes to both question?

and the final question... ...

How sure are you?

I've been working in "I" for more than 14 months now and through out this 14 months i have been mistaken as someone else, misunderstood and misinformed on and about a lot of stuff. How should i know there is another guy with the same name spelling as i am. Mine is already very odd, i can't believe there is another with the same spelling and we are in the same compony and same building.... but that was years ago but till today i will still get some off-track emails that should be for "him" instead of me...

Above all that, what i could not stand is that i've been answering to a name that is not even mine to begin with for 14 months. Sometimes i cant help but to wonder, what have i done to the nurse who wrote my name on my birth certificate? What sin have i done to her/him, that s/he have to make me suffer till my dying day? Or should i put the blame on my parents for not correcting it sooner?

Throughout my days, i've been told by my parents that my name is pronounced as Hoe (or Ho) then why is there an additional O in my name? I've been correcting people about my name all my life, and i've always introduced myself as Chee Hoe (or Ho, so don't make me start grumbling again about this shit) but what is it that everyone and i do seriously mean EVERYONE still get ot wrong here in Penang? I don't think i have this problem back in KL so why here in PG ?? WHY???

Most of the time, if not all of the time, i would prefer they to address me as CH or Leech or even Tiger as some EV-ians like to call, at least they get the name right but why not my name? It is getting very frustrating. How would you feel if the someone keeps calling some other name and you keep have to response to it? To some of you it may be okay but to me... my name is the thing i care the most next to family. It is a gift from my parents to me, so i'm going to honor and protect it with my life? May be this has been a reason why i've put 120% effort in all the things that bears my name or symbol. I've tried to ignore it but this has gone on for much, much too long. It has to end... and to end it shall.

Home-cooked-meal-day

A break from my usual gloomy and sadist post. Today i'll talk about something that i think most of you will not believe or try not to believe. Its sunday and i decided to play "cook your own meal" .

Basically i decided to cook my own meal coz i spend quite a lot yesterday and i REALLY need to clear my old stock. It's been a month since i bought all those food. Anyway instead of my usual instant noodle meal, i've been cooking up something healthier (at least there is not so much artificial flavour)

First up... my lunch

What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cocktail sausages
Egg


The taste?
Edible lar ... although it's a little dry (note to self, need to work on how to make it not so dry)

And for dinner ....



What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cheese
Almost overdue Cameron tomato
Dried tomato and onion flavoured tuna

The taste?
Of course edible... the tuna cost me RM 7+, this is my most expensive meal i've ever cooked to date.

So you guys still see me at work at tomorrow then you'll agree with me that it is edible, right? :p

Lunch as an ... ... ...

Arh... i'm finally at the comfort of my home, er... i think.... #yawwnnnn~~~~# Another 7-11 day again in the office. Anyway back to my lil' post of the day.

Had lunch with the new members today and of all the identity i go as, i went as an "intern" hahaha... Yupz, they introduced me as an intern in their dept and i went along with it all the wayyyyyy. Cant believe i still can to pull it off, but i did make some mistakes like thinking too hard (i'm chairing a meeting after lunch), and knowing too much about company "I".

Over at lunch, i am very suprised at the amount of people that came, we basically have 5 tables which is about 20 person showed up. It is really a wonder how good friends they are, may be from uni and may be from their training classes but i can't say the same for me. At least after the end of my N.E.O. and my training i am still a nobody among all the new the members from my batch... and after a year, i'm still a nobody.

Anyway, overall it is a fun lunch they had some good jokes and i too played along. One of their friend did ask my buddy about where is her buddy. I was there yet i was not hahaha ... fun ~~

RM6 worth of entertaiment

By the looks of the title i guess you would have guessed that it is a movie and it is a movie. Yes, as "kayu" as i am, i still go for movie, if asked that is hehehe... (hey i'm an introvert person).

We went for a add hog movie, well we basically decided to go for a movie at around 7 and decided on the movie on the based on possible seats available. The show we selected, Obsessed. How should i rate this movie ... erm... gimme a minute... ... ... ... (5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... ( yet another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (and another )
... ... ... ... (and another )
.. ... ... ... (and... well u get the picture hahahaha )

Well to wrap it up, it is a RM6 worth of movie, AM and I concluded that if you were to pay RM10 for it then you'll start using foul words as soon as you leave the cinema till you fall asleep. BUT if you pay RM6 for the movie, you would think that it is a new flavor. Well the movie plot is not exactly what you would expect from a cinema-grade movie so it's kinda refreshing. Yet again, it shouldn't have been a cinema-grade movie in the first place (this is totally my personal P.O.V.) it looks like some plot that would come from T.V.B series.

Oops... hope this post won't cause a decline in tickets hehehehe ... but what the heck the money to goes into my pocket anyway so .. .. .. who cares :p

The Masked Rider - Leech version

I'm kinda squeezing my head here .... erm... well, it's something like this. I was just about to pack my bag and leave and then i got an IM from a counterpart from some other site asking me to check something... damn it's 6+ and he ask me to check something for him on my side. Without any from of hesitation i agreed to do the request since it is job related and the closure is around the corner. While workin on the thing i start to notice on my surrounding... it's so empty.

blurrrrrr ####

Well forget about what i wrote above... basically i just wanna say i'm feeling kinda empty now. I'm all alone is the house, two of my housemates are still at work, another has went to bed and here i am in the living hall blogging. Nobody on my messenger list that will drop me a nudge for a chat, nobody there who i feel like chatting with ... sigh.... this is kinda like the feeling last night as i was going to bed. I twisted and turned multiple time, unable to fall asleep. Then i really do feel like calling someone up for a chat... anyone at all... may be not anyone ... but someone... yet i can't think of anyone ... ... no one ... at all... ... ... .. . .. . . . . ..

Seriously, i think i need some help here. I really need to learn how to de-prioritize my work and re-prioritize on myself. I'm starting to think that i might actually loose my communication skills and my verbal edge. I need to enrich my "vocabulary" not only in english and chinese, but also in my "rubbish-generating" mind.

er.... i think i'm off track again.... sigh.... ... ....

All the sudden i got the urge to call someone up for a chat... but... i can't think of anyone. I think i got a lot of stuff jumble up and it is stocked and stacked in such a way, it is so condense and it's blocking the flow of words.

Solitude
Magnitude
Attitude
Dispute
er.... any other words that rhyme with that???

Risk n responsibilities

Why did i left my last job?

That was among my question i asked in one of those "How well u know ... " quiz and to those who attempt it would have know the answer to that by now. So that leads me here ... I came to Penang to join "I" for a gamble... i always ask myself this "Would you give up something you know you want for something you think you want?" How much would you gamble for an uncertaintenty?

I took the gamble... I've given up my place at KayEll, my friends and my family there to come here for a gamble. A gamble saying that this is what i want, this is what i enjoy doing... but another question arise from my actions from yester-years, today.... is this what i wanted? I wanted a piece of the pie and now, i might actually get a slice of it... or should i say 14 pieces of it.

Am i biting off something that i can't even chew? Usually i would have no doubt in myself in work but this time it really borthers me but today there are two things that clouds my judgement of myself. First and foremost is the fact that i'm on "I" where the smartest of the smart works and deliver (or that is what they say), am i even qualify to hold a candle to them? YS, YY, CL, KS, MH... and the list goes on, they are the among the godlike people that i know at work. Where will i stand when i'm put in line with them or will i just be another piece of "something" after a stampede?; and secondly, am i really ready to take up all 14 of these baskets ?

Something CS said today over Facebook which does give me a keyhole to what my future might hold. Hours and hours of endless overtime with endless issues and debug and all alone in a big and empty freezer of solitude; that is what i've gotten myself into and this is the outcome of my little gamble. Give me victory or give me death... i guess this is the only thing i can tell myself now. Unless i try i will never know ~~

Trans-Am fullburst mode - ikimas~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 - 11, is that what life is all about?

Arh... life... i've been having this 7 - 11 life for quite awhile now and i'm still practicing it even though i'm tired like an arse...

Today seems to be a good day to write something... i mean thought of something that i really need to keep in mind.

Bout half hour ago i was still in the lab doing this stupid rework, which could have been done by other team but for god knows why, it got stuck to me ... and all my work done previously during the weekends just went down the drain so beside my fame quote of "WTH~~" i have no other comment... sigh....

Then bout 20 mins ago as i was leaving the company compound in my car, i was listening to the radio and heard sometime rather funny and "educational". The radio announcer was telling bout a story bout a guy who kept on saying "I'm bout to die soon and you are #blah blah blah #" or "I'm bout to die soon and i am #blah blah blah #". He was at a function and the chairman is having a ball of a time yapping away his "wonderful speech" and this guys started saying I'm bout to die soon and i'm here listening to this guy, i've just lost another 2 hours with my wife" But the fact is that this guy is very healthy, he could take his time over a buffet dinner, go for a walk in the part etc... he just choose to live life to the max doing the things he likes and enjoy. This some how reflect onto me where i spend so much time in the office so what about me? I'm going to die soon too... but i'm still in the office working my pants off... tis could proof to be an issue.

Later bout 10 mins ago, i was still listening to the same radio station and the same radio announcer was talking about this person who is rather famous (is a chinese author) who wrote a story bout her mother. The mother always calls her up asking her to come back home and since she is working in a place so far, far away, she seldoms goes back to visit. The mother would keep calling rushing her to come back and she would give excuses that she's busy with work and all... the mother even ask her the lie to the boss saying that she has cancer and has bout 6 months to live but in return she got a small lecture from the daughter on this and this also reminded them of the old times when she doesn't want to go to school. Later the mother went to town to pay her a visit, and the mother took the cheapest bus available which was packed and smelly and with her was a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables from the farm back home. To the author she could not understand how her mother was able to kept it so well preserved even in such condition and she concluded, wherever there are mothers, there are always miracles.

Anyway the story continues that the mother kept on pushing that the author took the time to go back and spend some quality time with the mother. The mother would spend every minute of her time with the daughter, talking and sharing even right before she goes to sleep at night she would have a small smile on her face. But 2 weeks later she got a call from her aunt telling her mom was sick, she went back thinking it was a trick like last time but at the bus station her mother was not to be seen. When she got back the aunt told her that right after she called, her mom has already "left" but she left smiling, knowing that she has spend her last happy moments with her beloved daughter. And her mother indeed had cancer and indeed only have 6 months to live.

Well listening to this story i really do felt sad and all... a part of me knew of the ending it would bring but i kept sitting there in my car listening. It seems like the inner me wish for me to listen and i did. From all these events today it has brought me to think about life. We often spend too much time working that we ignored bout ourself and we opt to spend more time for ourselves. But little do we know that for the little time we spend on ourselves, we spend even less time for our beloved ones, namely our parents, our family.

Is work really that important that it worth sacrificing your life and the life of your loved one? This question coming from a guy who works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week seems to carry little, if non at all, any weight. But it does make one thing... ... is it worth it? I know i'll be thinking of these for the next few days and in about 2 weeks time i would have return to the old me... 16 hours shift again but at least i stopped and smell the coffee today ... ... food for thought.

Smooth sailing~~

I'm very supprise by the flow of traffic this morning... i can almost count the amount of cars on the road. This is most suprising but i strongly believe this can and will change after 4pm hahah... i got a feeling the jam will be so great u'll regret you go up the bridge... ... ... which is what i'll be doing later today :'(

Wish me luck~~~ hopefully it will only be for an hour sigh~~

The EVil within

I've been feeling the darker side of me taking over lately. Few days ago, i almost caused a bike to crash into me and when the guy showed me the "finger" and instead of showing the "i'm-sorry" hand, i showed the thumbs-up.... that guy was so furious that he almost got down the bike to hit me but the thing is... ... i'm not even worried about that during that instant. I was still cool about it and not even feeling guilty about almost causing an accident. I root cause it to two items that contributed to me acting this way.

1. There was a bloody car parked on the road which took up 3/4 of the 2nd lane which i've really gotten SOooooo fed up with;
2. He showed me the "finger", if he were to show the "WTF" or the "WTH" gesture i think i would have still say i'm sorry..

At another incident, i almost lashed out at my colleague for a small issue that i've almost and nearly accepted and i still don't know why i reacted the way i reacted. But the fact that i reacted is that i still unable to totally accept it right?

Was kinda wondering... ... what cause me to have my dark side appearing ?? stress?? i wonder... ... ... ...

Sleepy~~~

I had a wonderful weekend last week, i spend so much time doing other things and as a result I had so little sleep that have a pair of bags that is deep enough to put my laptop. What is the meaning of this? I remember telling myself that I want to have a healthier lifestyle, but in the end ... ... ... =p

Let's see... slept at 2am on Friday, 5am on Saturday and again 2am on Sunday and today is Monday~~~~ yippie~~ and today's fashion is a sleepy look on monday blues hahahahaha (I wonder whether will this ever be a fashion trend someday.... ) . Why am I blogging now? Well basically i'm suppose to work but I can't seems to concentrate on my job and since I'm going to be ideal sitting here I might as well make my fingers move more since EH said that I haven't been updating my blog lately.

Well basically nothing happen much lately so there aren't much interesting stuff to put in so ... ... ... and not forgetting I'm lazy haha... and somehow I got back my DotA mood again ... sigh~

Intern?

Haha... this was a thought i had in mind recently...

Was really thinking, if i were to tell people that i'm an intern, will anyone believe me?? Hey i'm not old so it shouldn't be that hard to swallow if i were to tell people that i'm intern right? =p

Hey it's just a thought...

Lonely Boloney~

Damn.... i'm having that feeling again ... that feeling of emptiness and endless boredom. Really hate this feeling and to contribute to this i am kinda lazy to work too so i can't drown myself in work to overcome this.... sigh~ ~ ~

I think i know what contribute to this... or at least partially ... ... i've been having an empty MSN list haha... dispite having a relatively long list of contact on my MSN but there is hardly anyone whom i can or want to talk to; and there seems to nobody who wanna talk to me, do i need to establish first contact ?? ... double sigh~ ~ ~

Maybe i should do what Ernie been doing, simply nudge anyone who appears online on the list just to establish a first contact and see who replies... but this leads to another problem, is not like i wanna talk to everyone on my list... triple sigh??? sigh~ ~ ~

hehe... i guess i shouldn't blog too long... dun wanna get caught :p

The Leech - M.I.A

Hi hi~~

To those who has been following my bloggie, you would have notice that i've been missing for quite some (well long to be exact) time. And yes a lot had happen and there are tonnes of things i wanna talk about blah blah blah... well i will try to get to those "blah blah bah" stuff asap (if i can still remember them :p) but tonight... tonight i think i'll try to remind myself the things that had happen.

Well definately May has not been a good month for me, too much negetive stuff been happening to me and it has really brought me down for the count and believe me, at those times i really feel like giving up but i know i can't...

Let's break them up so i can remember them more clearly next time when i try to recall... my PC's PSU went flat and 2 weeks later my table fan went and join my PSU in the "happy land" too and it was partly due to the touch-of-death of.... .... .... (its not nice to mention names) so am i pissed?? Well i would be lying if i say i weren't but ... ... i guess i shouldn't talk too much about it here since there will be friends reading and i don't really want to start a commotion so let's drop it .... then there was issues at work which never seems to end, but on the other hand if it does then i would be out of job would I ??

On the happy front... i got myself a new graphic card and i've yet paid for it haha so inclusive of the 2 other thing i mentioned above, i'm damn broke, but i don't mind coz now i can enjoy more games and enlongated my entertainment... and hey guess what... ... 3 more days it will be my 2nd anniversary into my working life as an engineer and my 371 days here in the "I" company. Can't believe how time has left me and how senior i'm getting (well it's not nice to use the word old). Still i can't compare to my other friends who has worked more than 4 years and they are the same age as me, i mean ... what the... ... ... sigh...

Well on other goings... i've been spending a lot of time on Facebook (i mean besides from work) to those of you who have been active in Facebook, you would be familar with the ongoing quizes and the recent most "hot" quiz is the "How well you know me" quiz and without a doubt i've spend my equal share of time preparing the quiz. I've basically created 24 question but i've only used 16 of them and i don't even want to create the part 3 of my quiz since most of them don't like them ... ...

Guess what... i think i've summarize majority of May on goings in this post tonight haha... well i think it is expected of myself. When i do start writing i would continue writing until i'm done or when i get tired, and now i'm done and i'm tired so ... ... TTFN~~~

Deprived sleep

Seriously this is nothing new for any of now, how many of us are getting enough sleep nowadays? Do you? Even if u sleep at 10 and waking up at 8, you would still complain you've not enough sleep but i'm starting to feel the hazard of not getting enough sleep.

Sigh it's getting harder to concentrate nowadays. Too tired + too much work = very low productivity. I've been getting those "hang" period during the day... like those where your mind just wondered off and you are left with only the body type of feeling...

Is this caused by lack of rest or due to mounting of job??

Ehmmm.. ... ...

Monday morning~~

Something i captured on a Monday morning sky and edited using MS Paint...

Erm...

Been doing some blog searching... i just noticed that i've quite a few negetive radiating post lately and i can't help but to wonder why... ... ... am i at my limits and looking for a way out? Sometimes i wish i could do like what those cartoon would do, where they open some hatch from their body and lump and lump of steam get released from their body and they transform into something else... i need to let off some steam~~~

Offence vs offend

I think this will be a short one... i hope...

I think i offended someone today... or not... ... anyway that person seems offended.. the problem is... ... ... what happen??? Why do i always have this tendency of pissing others off?And usually not know it until its too late... Is this a gift? If it is, why can't i be gifted in other areas instead... why???

But this actually got me thinking the other way around.

Why is it that i'm the one offending others?

Why don't they ever think that they might have offended me instead?

Why am i always the guilty one?

I have friends who offend me on and off and i can't really recall when was the last time i really throw a tantrum at them, the only recent one was about a year ago when i was helping out a friend and another earlier one was on my birthday 2 years ago but i decided to overlook it because of my other friend who was also celebrating his birthday.

When i'm angry i would tell that i'm angry, so that they will not do it again and if it's their first offence i can't even blame them cause they don't know. How could you blame someone for doing something that you don't like when they do not know that you don't like it in the first place? (Confused yet?) sigh~ it seems that everything is always the Leech's fault, everything goes to the Leech's account... everything but money... Why?? Why???

What have i learn from this? I learn that i can't repent for my crime, mainly is because i do not know what i did wrong, how do i repent on my mistake when i do not what mistake have i made in the first place? If this keep going on i seriously doubt i can get into any serious relationship with others. If my normal friend can't stand it, how do you expect your partner to actually face it? Double sigh~~~

The XX chromosome individuals

I will be dead lying if i were to say i'm not interested in pretty ladies, well at least that what most of you will be thinking. But to keep it fair, i'm not denying that pretty ladies are nice to look at and even be around with but that doesn't mean anyting, at least on my account. I would look at them and even admiring their beauty in every angle possible, visually i mean, but other than that... nothing. Looking at them is the most i would do, no lust nor intention, just plain admiration of their beauty from afar.

Well i have come across a lot of ... erm... rather pretty and attractive lady friends in my years on this lovely planet, from my school days right to my days at work of which i am not very close with. I can't help but to wonder, why? It seems that i can never get too close to them. I mean we are friends and all but ... ... ... i can't say that we are anything near the entry level of a close friend (Leech's defination of friendship hierarcy ). We talk when we met in person ... ... and that's about it. And most of the time even when i do see a attractive individual, i don't even borther going to know them, just because they are pretty that doesn't mean i need to know them right? Another side of the story would be, i would have this paradigm of they will think that "I'm pretty so it's only normal that guys would wanna be around me." so i won't give them the pleasure of thinking that about me, but this is totally me and my own thoughts so don't be offended.

Sometimes Nowadays i start to wonder, why? Why aren't i close to any pretty lady friends of mine? ( a disclaimer here, i'm not saying girl friends that i'm close to are not pretty so PLS don't think of it the other way). Maybe is partly due to my so-called confidence. I'm not very confident in myself in thinking that they are really interested in being friend with me, maybe coz i think i'm not that much of an attractive or interesting person. I used to think that girls might like me for who i am but i found out that my friends are more attractive that me most of the time so i figured that i'm not a par with most people around me i guess.

I have a few pretty and attractive girl friends whom i'm close with, and that is because they are no longer available thus i would let go of my guard and be close and befriend with them. Knowing that they are no longer available means they won't think that me being close to them is due to any "evil" intention and again this is strictly my own belief. I seriously doubt that i will like a person if she's not attractive but if she's attractive i will not take an initiative nor will i be interested or keen to get to know her and if i don't know her i will never know whether will i ever like that person... and the cycle continues. So i guess this is another reason that i'm still single till this very day.

Sigh... most people, would like nothing less than being associated with a bunch of pretty and attractive individuals, i like it but i don't crave it ... not a bit, why? May be is due to my paradigm of "Good things will never happen to me" so if i don't crave, i won't be dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But if i don't desire something, i won't work for it... a battle between two of my strongest paradigm and of all things and reasons... it's this.. haha... i laugh at my own personal traits which has brought me most of who i am today hahahaha...

What does it takes to actually get to know a girl without being guilty of lust?

Holiday refresh~~

Its been awhile since i work my a$$ off at work and somehow it feel like i'm even more tired that the time when i was working on that Mountain Goat. Back then i will be working 15 to 18 hours a day on a 6 days week, sometimes 7. Coming home at 12 sometimes at 3 only to go back to work at about 7 the next day, yet i'm still able to keep up with the pace and maintained this lifestyle for almost 2 months but this time... ... ... this time is kinda different, maybe its because of pressure. I mean there were pressure last time too but that was kinda different type of pressure. That was rushing for progress kinda pressure but this time is the troubleshooting type of pressure.

Oh yea i think i've actually gotten into the main topic. I've been slaving in the lab for 5 days clocking an approximate of 85 hours of constant work and debug; and why do i call it a holiday refresh? The last time i have this hectic lifestyle was last July which lasted about more than 2 months. Maybe is due the the scrutiny of each detail at work and the fact that there is a constant daily meeting that requires your update which really adds the pressure and burden on me. Not forgetting having my DE and my DE's boss sitting next to me asking for results ... i feel like i'm under the big spot light in a small pot with super hot boiling water. And somehow the water don't feel like 100C, it feels hotter haha...

Maybe i'm too commited to my job... i mean although i feel damn pressured and tired by all this but i still look forward for the next task and see the outcome... ... ... is this what they call passion?? May be... its something i've never felt in my last job, the only thing keeping me energetic is my responsibilities, binding me to my task. I wonder how long will this passion continue to burn? What will happen if it dies out on me? Will i take the step i took previously which is to resign and look for a better and higher passion?? I wonder...

Twinkle, twinkle LED~~~

I spend few hours soldering that little circuitry 2 days back and today it is broken into 3 different piece and i was like OMG~~~ but it was expected since i know it was very fragile and luckily it did broke apart too. I noticed that i've mix and matched the wrong legs to the wrong part of the circuitry, else i might have seen smoke haha..,

Anyway spend the same amount of time to redo the circuit again... salvage it from a dead board and... ... well after few hours of delicate soldering i manage to get it done. And after connecting it to the board for some serious DOE, i hear a song ... it was twinkle, twinkle little stars.... The LED on the board started blinking which means something with the power delivery / sequence ... which means that the board can't boot and i can't proceed with my DOE which means all my hard work today basically went down the drain again... sigh~~~

I need rest... no OT tomorrow~~~~!!!!! oops... i mean today, its after midnight now hahaha... i've spend almost 34 hours at work for the past 2 days... kool~~~