Stress overload~

Before i proceed to today's event allow me to do something...

$^!($!^!$#^()!*$!_$&!%(!^$)!&*$^!%)^)!%&*@_*$+!+$!&_

.... .... thanks
I've been in stress mode since the moment i step into office at 7 till 5 this evening. I'm so upthight and focus that i hardly notice anything around me ... i was concentratng on the meeting when all the sudden i turn and saw Cat looking at me and i almost yell... i was paying too much attention to what i'm doing that i didn't notice her standing there.

I didn't even set a foot at the lab until lunch, to spend so much time at cube seems like a nice feeling. Its relatively quiet and peaceful, i can concentrate on what i'm doing more easily but the down part is that i cant make any noise so i guess that partly contributed to my mounting stress level...

At 5, after i close all my ARs i let out a big sigh and went for a coffee break.... damn that felt good.... but after all the coffee break its back to work ... How can u work under all that stress? I'm learning... just give me time

2 face of a same picture

Its been few days now, with me being under the weather... emotionally i mean. But the fact is, i think its been like this for almost 2 weeks now but it just went downhil just recently.

Sigh~~ There is no doubt in myself that i'm not really in a mood for anything lately and to make things worse is that i am behaving like nothing happened, i'm still the same ol' me to everyone. Just that how succesful i've been on this is a little controversial.

I'm hiding myself behind another me who is incapable of feelings and emotions just that i don't look "different" in front of everyone... well on the other hand, i might look like a zombie that way.

How long will this prolong? How much longer do i need to be like this?

I feel like screaming my lungs out

I feel like i wanna cry inside

I feel like there is a torn somewhere in my body and i can't take it out

I just dun feel like me...

Why is that all the suddenly being lonely sounds so scary to me now? All this while i've care less abuot it but recently even the thought of having dinner alone seems so scary to me now.

Tomorrow is another day .... now where have i put that damn mask of mine... ... ... ...

A puro dolor

Its kinda ironic sometimes... well lately its not sometimes but kinda a lot of times... been feeling wierd... sigh, hate this feeling.

Well today i really wanted to stay late at work, but not because i want to work but just want to find someone to accompany me ... accompany for the nigh, accompany me for dinner. I've been spending so much time at work that somehow i feel kinda lost when i leave for home. I felt detached from the world and my colleagues has somehow become the next to family to me, i spend more time with them than my own housemates, and i even begin to compare them to my family members who i see so seldom. And when everyone leave today it felt like a void in me. All the sudden i felt so lost... so alone... so ...
brrrr... hate this feeling,
...i hate it,
... i hate it...

Was a little lost when looking for a place to eat. Felt that anywhere is the same but i can't decide on a place wanted to go to A but in the end went to B and somehow i felt that deep down in me was hoping i would see a familiar face and accompany me for dinner. Am i thinking too much? Am i feeling too much? Am i sick???

...
... ... A puro dolor is all i feel tonite...

Troubled trouble

Took a detour from work to home today (yes, its a sunday and i've been working)... took a longer route and elongated my journey for an additional 10 odd minutes. Instead of taking the smooth straight path i took a turn and used the mountainous route and drove a little more aggresive than usual (well at least during the begining). Did all this just to delay my journey home because my car is my only sanctuary if u wish, its the only private place i have... not my room, not my cubical...

Been feeling troubled lately, very troubled ... but i cant tell what is causing it. Just felt something on my mind tossing and twisting in there like there is no end to it... really feel like talking to someone about it, i really do but ... ... ... there is nobody on my phone book whom i can call to and i want to call to... just nobody... ... wanted to find the guys and have a chat about it but somehow there is just an invisible wall around me hindering me from talking or maybe just because they too are among the factors of my trouble so i don't want to add more to my headache now... Anyway like i say, i just don't know... just don't know what is wrong with me.

Has all this bottled up feelings and emotions has finally caught up to me? Is not the first time that i have my emo bottled filled up to the top so what makes it different this time that caused me to be so troubled? I just don't understand, maybe i'm getting old...

Been working quite late this week, often spending up to 15 hours a day at work and most of the time with me being the last person in the lab to leave. And i've been thinking... ...

What am i doing here at this time of night? Is this really nessacary ? Do i really need to work my ass off here like this? Do I?? Must I ??

But regardless of what i think that moment in time, i end up repeating the same feat i did today, tomorrow, and the day after... slaving my hours away in the lab ... working... and working ... and working ...

I really need to talk... and i do mean talk... need to take this load of my chest so i can breath better and again... who can i talk to? Who indeed... ...

Wat is the Leech?

To the world, the leech is nothing but a small, icky, dark and disgusting little creature who sucks blood... and basically i'm all that... well not all but mostly... like i say i am nothing but a small potato in a big watermelon farm... who would notice? So throughout my years i've develop a paradigm of myself for myself; and that paradigm is nothing less than

What that i not think about will never happen

And basically tat is how i've lived all this time and most ironicly its due to this paradigm i've survive, achieved and miss a lot of things in life.

I've outlasted most of my 2ndary skool friends in a training camp

I've earn respect from my peers from my early skool till my working days

I've achieved my short term goals

I've miss out on a possible romance

I've lost quite a few of my friends

I've fallen into a deep and dark hole only to fall again deeper into it

And a whole lot more that i cant even begin to recall ... and have i ever felt regret with this paradigm - yes ... but do i really regret - most definately no, i am who i am because of what i did. I've lived by it and i'll grow by it

But the question now is... ... should i remain as the leech i am today or evolve into a better leech of tommorrow?

Stupid evening

I did something most office dwellers will NEVER thought of doing... I actually spend about 40 mins of my evening in my own cubical... reading Dilbert comics.

Well this doesn't sound odd... the odd part is that i was doing it at 8++ pm after my dinner. I could have gone home and do something else (like my laundry :p) but instead i spend 40 mins of my time doing nothing... haha... Dilbert a comic that all office dwellers SHOULD NOT read. The humour is good but the moral is bad for work :p

D***.... this goes against my 09 Resolutions... spend less time in the office wuakakaka... ooppsie~~~~

A brand new chapter

Page 1 in this new chapter... another 364 pages away to the next chapter... and what should i make the most in this new chapter ??? And how did i spend my new year eve?? Haha... i spend it in the lab wuakakakakaka... Yup in the lab at work but dun worry i'm not that crazy yet... althought i counted down in the lab it doesnt mean that i was really working... we got together and chit chat our way till the new year, we chit chat from 9+ till 2am before moving on the the mamak for round 2 where we continue till 3 hahahaa...

Anyone willing to share their new year resolution with me?? I need a sense of direction this year... nid something to aim and focus on, at work and at play... i need a life, a life outside of work... lets see... what may i list down here... i remember i listed down something last year and i believe i have only manage to fulfill a very small and tiny part... ... ... or not.

erm... ... i think i need a more specific goal, a more measurable goal, not those that cant be measured haha... i think i've only made those kinda goals all this time hahahaa.... ok... lets get down to business...

To-do list of 2009
1) Get a life
2) Spend less time at lab and home, go out more
3) Expand friendship circle, get to know other ppl outside of my usual routine
4) Dun put on weight, stay healthy
5) Check blog spelling b4 posting hahaha... notice a lot of typo in my past posts.
6) Erm.... have some lady luck?? =p

Hahaa... cant think of any other stuff for now but i guess this kinda doable haha... but item 1 to 3 kinda cab b lump into one item instead hahaha

Happy new year~~~ Have a wonderful year ahead of u wuakakkakakkakaa