Hi Blogger

After disappearing for so many years, I finally came back. Again the thing that brought me back was the fact that I've not been in the happiest of mode lately, heck.... I don't think I've been my honestly happy for the past 5 months. But it's been among the lowest of moods recently. Let's try to sum up the blunder that I've been going through so I may look this up sometime in the future and laugh at my silliness and stupidity in the near future.

• Oct 2013 - heard something that I've been longing for and was damn happy about it, although there were some sort of restriction but I'm happy. And was damn looking forward for my vacation. 
• Nov 2013 - decision was revoked and then it sprung a streak of mood swings which was rather unpleasant. To top it up, I was in a continuous   marathon to complete all my assignments which was going to be due
• Dec 2013 - Trying to sum up everything I've done throughout my life of 2013 and knowing that I've actually have not done much.... rather demoralizing seeing I'm no longer the young brat that has time to spare.
• Jan 2014 - Exam. What more do I need to say. It's been more than 6 years since I've actually attended any form of examination so it was a very stressful period not to mention having to cope with the workload from office. Not to mention a not so happy New Year's Eve celebration with some friends. 
• Feb 2014 - The passing of a friend, my buddy to be exact. The girl whom I guided and try to assimilate into the company's culture and to Penang life. The girl who is kind and friendly to everyone. After a year of battling cancer, she has finally moved on to a better place. My greatest regret was not making the effort to pay her a visit when I still have a chance. It happen just as i was discharged from hospital due to my allergies so i can't make the drive to attend her wake. Such regret. 
• March 2014 - As the news of my passing friend was very near to my own birthday, it was a little hard not to think too much about it yet I try to enjoy myself. Next was the news of my "failure" at work. Which was among the hardest blow I've receive in my life. The good news was, a close friend of mine got married so it wasn't all that bad for "my month" i guess. 

To my friends who knows me and may be reading this. I hold tightly to pain and sadness in my life and only sharing my smile and laughs when I'm with you. But rainbows don't last forever, I too have my low periods, I too need some time out.... I too need a shoulder and an ear to express myself. I'm only human.

Sorry to say to myself is that it is very hard for me to talk this out to anyone as I lack to trust to express myself to people. In my recent attempt to express to some of my friends, it turn out even worse as the one whom i thought is the most willing to listen to was is not really interested in hearing me out while the other friend was trying very hard to be the listener; to be honest I feel bad for her so i end up stop talking and switch role to be the listener instead. Maybe everyone of us was in a bad mood, and everyone was just looking for some time out thus the awkward environment.

So in the end... I think words are my only friend, and my alternate identity works the best to channel my frustration in the most elegant way possible. And here I am again.... blogging my frustration away.

Lappy down~~~

Today has proven as my most unproductive day. Went to lab ar around 7 and switched on my laptop.. i click on scan disk the day before so i allow it to do it thing and i went for my usual coffee. I got back and noticed that it is still running the scan disk thingu so i sat there over my cup of coffee and my magazine and do some reading (which is something i don't usually do even when i have nothing to do at home)... page after page i read... the scan disk thing is still doing it's thing... ... i saw good news.. it's at 98% and as i wait eagerly, i turn another few pages on my magazine and then i noticed that my laptop shut down.. hmmm that's strange, i don't recall the system to shut down after a scan disk... anyway i turn it on and let it load.... ... ... then it happened... everything turned blue... aiks~~~ it's the blue screen. I shut down and turn it on again and there it was again .. damn~~ my HDD crashed...

Took it to IT and got it fix... the diagonastic took another hour because they want to make sure it's the HDD problem and by that time it's almost 11. They say they will need to rebuilt the HDD and will take them 3 hours. Also they will call me when it's done...

Its almost 4pm and i still didn't get their call... i went to IT just to know that they weren't able to get me.. (stupid la with it's lousy reception) and with the restore and mumbo jumbo it finally dragged m till 6pm... there goes my day...

A whole day of nothingness.. no work, no progress, and no update... and whenever i have time i'll think of something and whenever i think of something i ended up feeling down and blue just like that blue screen... what am i doing in the team anyway??? My boss doesn't seems to appreciate me and to make it worse i felt being de-appreciated by my former boss to my new boss... if i'm that not important then why have me in the first place? Like the name suggest... it's Legacy "lei gau si" (in direct translation, it meant "your shit") so that is who i am.. the shit collector...

MIA...

THis is a common title that i put in my blog... but what to do... i'm engaged lately...
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no i'm not "engaged" engaged.. i'm just occupied.

I've been away to Yogyakarta few weeks back (and i'm now still working on getting the photos up >.<) then i was all tied up with work, since i was away for a whole week. Then all hell broke loose when Chris gimme the crack to my long awaited Assassins Creed 2. I got the game for over a month now but i was not able to crack it so it was lying ideal in my desktop and now .. wuakakakakak i'm stressing it everynight (not only my PC but i'm also suffering coz of it hahahaha ) which in turn cause the super delay in my photo editing and uploading

Over the weekend i notice that my phone went dead... yes it is DEAD~!!!! the batteries went flat and i wan't able to charge it .. damnit!!!! My Diamond is dead .. wt... .... hell!!!

Today ... yes today....

I went to QB to send to the shop and that cost me RM150 and now ... Well my house seems to be powerless.. literally ... there is no power in my apartment so i'm forced to stay in my friend's place ..

Ain't my day indeed... sigh....

I wanna go home :'(

Borthering thoughts

I'm having a thought today... a thought that has even kept me from sleeping. I try to take a nap today, which is something i don't do very much as i don't take naps unless i'm sick. Anyway i went to my bed, lie down and amazingly i really fell asleep... well almost. Whenever i'm heading into the sleeping region... i'll wake up almost violently and this went on until i give up taking my nap.

Anyway back to my thought today... somehow i keep thinking to myself... Why did i quit my last job and come here? I used to have a quite fun, entertaining and rather carefree job, i give it up for a hectic, stressful and unhealthy job?? Well the pay was not as attractive as the pay i'm getting now but at least i had a life back then. I can still manage to find time to do some catching up with friends after work. Sigh... ... ... what have i done? Did i choose a wrong path somewhere along the way? Life is too beautiful for it to be going this way... and like EH like to say, "Live your life well as you will die for very long."

Back in my old job, on a Saturday and Sunday i will be shaking my butt in front of a desktop playing game or chit chatting with a friend over MSN or i might even be out having a drink. Yet nowadays i'm sitting in front of my laptop looking at my work or sometimes even going back to the lab on a beautiful Saturday/Sunday, and now ... even gaming doesn't sounds as appealing as it used to... Why? What am i doing wrong? What is wrong with me? I cant help to think that this job is catching up to me, taking my sanity away, bit by bit, day by day....

I need to do something about this job or i'll have to leave this job in search of something else .... it'll be my second year in this place this May and i think i've lost more of my personality and sanity than i can imagine. It's not kidding when they call this place the pressure cooker as i'm having sleepless nights, i'm get jumpy from time to time and sometimes.... i just feel that even breathing can be a burden as sometimes i find it very difficult to breath at work... I am handling something that is beyond my capabilities, my stress management is no longer sufficient for my current stress status and i can only imagine that the stress level can and will only increases and not decreases. Will i break down first or will i be able to break this cycle... only time will tell and only i will know the outcome .

Well i'm off to bed ... hopefully i won't have this abrupt waking ups again.... tomorrow is another day in the "lab"rinth... Nite~~

Where is the professionalism??

sigh.... i can't believe i will need to retreat to my blog to blurt out my bottled up frustration this is just because i know not many will visit my blog and i can really speak my mind without worrying that i may "hurt" anyone's feelings.....

What happen to the professionalism of a profession? What will happen when one start to lose interst in the work they are working on? What is the school teaching the young ones nowadays? When you reply a "Noted" to an instruction it means you understood the request and you will deliver to the request right? When i tender my resignation letter in my last job, i still continue to contribute, continue to do overtime to make sure the product get launched and all engineering work are done from my end. And whenever i reply a "Noted" to a request i will make sure that i'll do it, i may delay a day or two but i will still deliver the things... Isn't this what we called as being a professional?

Is it me being naive or is this is what it is suppose to be? Sometimes i can't help to think that i'm working with a bunch of people who is interested in seeing me dead than being promoted or appreciated. Is it so hard to work with me? Am i so hard to handle that "you" are looking for a way to torture me?? Why??

I really can't help to think that the working attitude of people are going from bad to worse. In the world nowadays there is no such thing as "You give me 1k salary i'll deliver 900 worth of work" it's more of a "You give me 1k salary, i will need to produce 11k worth of return" but who still sees this? Like i say, may be i am still a naive boy in this materialistic world.

I really do think that i work better alone, i may be hectic and i may be tired but at least i know where all the pieces goes unlike now where i am having trouble tracing which is which. Working in "I" make me to start thinking, am i really a leader? Do i have the qualities to be a leader? Why?? Is this my problem?

To leave or not to leave? That is the question....

Sigh... and no i am not opting to resign from "I" so don't mis-quote me...

I'm sighing this time is because of my stupid leaves. I'm begining to think that this damn company (else this dept) of mine is not allowing me to take any days of leave at all.

My first time applying for leave was during Aug 2008 where i've planned and made reservation to go to Bangkok with my friends, and for that few days of leaves i ended up almost quarreling with my coordinator and my supervisor.

The second time i applied for leave was during my brother's ROM, it was on a friday. At the same night, on Friday, i recieve a call from my manager asking me whether is it possible for me to go back to work the next day. I went "I'm now in KL, and I have things to do tomorrow" yet my manager is not very "keen" with my answer so it was another "sigh" moment... But i was lucky that during my brother's wedding i could attend it with a peace of heart....

On my forth time if leave application, it was an emergency leave. The leave was to attend my grnadmother's funeral, and again i need to reply to some urgent emails asking me to deliver some data. In the end, i have to take a quick leave after the service and take the next bus back and get back to work the next day, assuming that nothing happened.

So this will be my fifth time applying for leave... i told my supervisor of my leave intention and even sent her a list on the days i wish to be on leave. After not receiving a YES or NO from her i decided to ask her for it and then... just then my manager came out and say, "I wish to lock down all the leave until end of the year" and the first thing that come to my mind was... WTF~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!! NOT AGAIN~~~~~~!!!!!!!!! I plan to attend a wedding of my uni mate followed by my ex colleague and most importantly the wedding of my closest friend, all those seems so far away now thanks to the stupid schedule pulled in.

DAMN it why can't i take leave like normal employees do? It is not my fault that the schedule get pulled in, hey i plan to take leave a few months ago and back then the bloody project was still trending WW52... And now it got pulled in, you are sacrifing us?? What happen to planning? With this kind of planning, how could you still question my planning? DAMNIT !%&)(!$!%&&*) I'm really starting to think that the only way i can take a leave like a normal person is either i resign from this dept (or company) or i'm dead sick that i can't even walk. Else i will never be able to take a good day of leave for self enjoyment...

P/S: I'm having so much frustration bottled up inside me, i feel like i'm going to blow and i have my manager to thank for this mount of frustration....... YEA .. U.... with a finger pointing at U

Dumb or insufficient knowledge?

Through a freaky accident i've triggered my boss's interest in me. Since the first day i've join this dept till yesterday, my manager has not shown any interest in my everyday ongoing but all the sudden it changed... All the sudden he gived me some AR and ask me to get the answer the following day and all the sudden i felt like Jack Bauer. I got 24 hrs to get the answers he wanted ... i was desperate.... and today was round 2, another 24 hrs, another sets of question requiring another sets of answer.

In a way it felt like my boss is helping me to grow by pressuring me so i should feel greatful but on the otherhand i feel stressed and tension by his actions. He is asking me stuff that i have no ideas about and with what ever knowledge that i have i've given it to him but it is still not enough... now i am really scared, i'm scared that i might not be up for this.

Will i survive? I hope i would.... so if u dun see me updating my blog in a very long time, then u know what had happened to me .... .... ...

busy studying la ... not yet die .... i hope hahaha

High salary paying job?

How many of u have this experience... "You're soooooo rich so of course no problem to buy that..." or any equivalent statement. Well i get that a lot and mostly from my own group of friends; i mean hey, if i'm an engineer and your not then i could understand the logic in that since non-engineering field have a lower starting pay but most of the non-engineering field have an exponential increments, have they put that into consideration when they make such statement? Dun think so.... .... Anyway back to my story... if this statement comes from an engineering field friend then .... .... well its kinda frustrated to hear.

Non-engineers will compare their pay with an engineer and will fire a tomahawk at me saying i'm filthy rich; but when it comes to engineers they will compare company and then bombard you with endless rounds ammonition. Sometimes Most of the time ... I just hate it .... Just because i work in "I" it doesn't mean i own a money photocopier.... sigh... Yes, i have OT allowance and most of my engineering friends don't but it's not my fault that mine have OT. If you really wanna add this point to you bullets then the only thing i can say is, you choose the company when you join it so don't flame me on that, it's your mistake. Don't like your pay? Don't like the benefits? Change job lar~~ Don't take your frustration on me, i got a lower paying job too but you didn't see me complain much so why do you want to pin your frustration on me?

To you guys who thinks i have a high paying job then please look here, hey "I" is not even on the list... then try to get a position in any of those company... FYI, if you are interested to knowing the average pay in our lovely country for 2008... http://fit.mmu.edu.my/files/kellysalaryguidemy.pdf

CRAP~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *%&^(!&)^&*^&)(!^&

Dammit... as i was leaving my house i dented my car again... the bloody place has such sharp corners and usually i would hv avoided it but what this time i missed?? CRAP~~~!!!!!! When i arrive in the lab i accidently knock on my probes and broke another of a very scarce ... double crap... damnit damnit damnit... what a way to start of my week at work...

need to flush this out of my system to avoid me burning up people to a cinder with my fiery breath of death... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

LIFE SUX~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope u r alright...

Just got a sms from my bro not long ago... he say that one of our cousin is saying that grandma is in critical condition... .... seriously... i do not know how to react. I'm still in the lab helping my GT out with some board issue and at the same time i got this news which is kinda disturbing. How should i react? What should i do? What could i do?

Here i am again in a large cold room with nobody else but me, is this a good setting for me to be in right now??? But frankly it would be much of a difference too even if i am with a bunch of friends i guess... when i got this news i could have easily shared it with my GT who is sitting right next to me, but i didn't ... i chose to held it in and act like nothing happened and said totally nothing... ...

Had just finish my dinner and i'm suppose to continue with my work but i really do feel disturb by this news (that is why i'm writting this blog i guess).... I'm miles and miles away so i know there is nothing that i can do so no point for me to be disturbed right? Come to think of it, grandma has not been in very good shape since last year so being in critical condition should not come as a suprise right? So for me trying to feel normal should be normal, right?? But it's family, regardless how far away you are, as long as you know that a family member is not in a good shape you have your share of sadness and worries, right? Why am I slapping my right hand with my left hand here... I'm making statements that contradicts everything... ...

Seriously i do not hope to get any suprises from my brother again tonight.... or any other night ... ... hope you are alright grandma ... ... ....

Edited at 8.48pm: I'm at home now, can't get over what i just wrote here so i decided to add in a few more words. I should be feeling sad and worried now but i don't think i'm feeling that but i do feel confused. Confused at why am i feeling confused instead of worried... why is that? What is wrong with me? Have i lost my ability to feel again? Another confusing night in the corrupted mind of the Leech.

Internal flame

This is actually what happen about a week ago... an incident that fuel me up so much that i feel like i can do a "scorched earth" on Bayan Lepas with relative ease. Let me go into some background before i continue my bullet bombardment. There was a task that was originally assigned to me but it was later given to "the-person-whose-name-should-not-be-spoken" or TPWNSNBS (wow even in short the name is still damn long haha... let's cut the name shorter ... ok.. i'll just call it as "It" hahahaha) to handle. For me it was blessing since i had my hands tied then.

Time pass ... .... ...

Then shyt happens... "It" suddenly say that "It" is feeling too tension causing "It" to fall sick and do not wish to continue the task. So out of the blue i have to take the task back and continue working on it, which during that time i was still ok with it. So i worked on it and try to finish what ever loose ends available.

Few days later ... ... hell broke loose again, at least from my end.

All the sudden "It" says "It" want to take back the task and continue where "It" has left of... Seriously when i got the news i was feeling so angry, WTH~~ when u wan it, u take it; when u don't feel like it, u just throw it away? (sorry for my choice of words here) Fuk U ~~~~~~~~~ I'm not a ball where you can throw me around wherever and whenever you want. To makes matter worse "It" wish to test my EQ and ask to talk about this matter... damn i still need to put on a smiley face to discuss about something i'm so enrage about.

I can work with anyone regardless of their attitude and personality or how much i dislike them as long as they perform professionally at work. This is something i instill within myself and i've always perform to my best on this matter; but since you can't even give me the pleasure of treating you professionally as a professional then do not blame me for treating you as a slob as you are from now onwards. This is not the first time you perform un-professionally and i seriously doubt this will be the last either. How can people (i'm soooo tempted to use the word slime) survive here? Damn it.. life is so unfair.

Hell of a headache

Damn... been having this headache since 2+ / 3 and it's has been nothing but trouble yet i need to keep working till 11pm coz my pending data. Feeling so confused that i can hardly think straight. I am so envious of those people that can OOP just because they are having headache, and i can't help but to wonder.... .... can i do the same? I wish... i really do wish i could but i know i can't.

Execution - paper work - review - meeting - provide training - execution - paper work - review - meting - provide training -

this is my life for the pass 2 weeks and all the sudden i was told that i need to train another guy and all i could feel at that specific moment was "WTF???" i'm kinda having my hands tied now and i hardly have time to provide proper training to my GT. I have to resort throwing something for my GT to try to figure out, to keep occupied so i may kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Seriously i feel bad for not providing proper training but i'm being held down by paperwork, which can be a hassel and with this headache of mine, its a chaos... damn i can hardly think now... gtg... ciao

Smooth sailing~~

I'm very supprise by the flow of traffic this morning... i can almost count the amount of cars on the road. This is most suprising but i strongly believe this can and will change after 4pm hahah... i got a feeling the jam will be so great u'll regret you go up the bridge... ... ... which is what i'll be doing later today :'(

Wish me luck~~~ hopefully it will only be for an hour sigh~~

Sleepy~~~

I had a wonderful weekend last week, i spend so much time doing other things and as a result I had so little sleep that have a pair of bags that is deep enough to put my laptop. What is the meaning of this? I remember telling myself that I want to have a healthier lifestyle, but in the end ... ... ... =p

Let's see... slept at 2am on Friday, 5am on Saturday and again 2am on Sunday and today is Monday~~~~ yippie~~ and today's fashion is a sleepy look on monday blues hahahahaha (I wonder whether will this ever be a fashion trend someday.... ) . Why am I blogging now? Well basically i'm suppose to work but I can't seems to concentrate on my job and since I'm going to be ideal sitting here I might as well make my fingers move more since EH said that I haven't been updating my blog lately.

Well basically nothing happen much lately so there aren't much interesting stuff to put in so ... ... ... and not forgetting I'm lazy haha... and somehow I got back my DotA mood again ... sigh~

Deprived sleep

Seriously this is nothing new for any of now, how many of us are getting enough sleep nowadays? Do you? Even if u sleep at 10 and waking up at 8, you would still complain you've not enough sleep but i'm starting to feel the hazard of not getting enough sleep.

Sigh it's getting harder to concentrate nowadays. Too tired + too much work = very low productivity. I've been getting those "hang" period during the day... like those where your mind just wondered off and you are left with only the body type of feeling...

Is this caused by lack of rest or due to mounting of job??

Ehmmm.. ... ...

Erm...

Been doing some blog searching... i just noticed that i've quite a few negetive radiating post lately and i can't help but to wonder why... ... ... am i at my limits and looking for a way out? Sometimes i wish i could do like what those cartoon would do, where they open some hatch from their body and lump and lump of steam get released from their body and they transform into something else... i need to let off some steam~~~

Offence vs offend

I think this will be a short one... i hope...

I think i offended someone today... or not... ... anyway that person seems offended.. the problem is... ... ... what happen??? Why do i always have this tendency of pissing others off?And usually not know it until its too late... Is this a gift? If it is, why can't i be gifted in other areas instead... why???

But this actually got me thinking the other way around.

Why is it that i'm the one offending others?

Why don't they ever think that they might have offended me instead?

Why am i always the guilty one?

I have friends who offend me on and off and i can't really recall when was the last time i really throw a tantrum at them, the only recent one was about a year ago when i was helping out a friend and another earlier one was on my birthday 2 years ago but i decided to overlook it because of my other friend who was also celebrating his birthday.

When i'm angry i would tell that i'm angry, so that they will not do it again and if it's their first offence i can't even blame them cause they don't know. How could you blame someone for doing something that you don't like when they do not know that you don't like it in the first place? (Confused yet?) sigh~ it seems that everything is always the Leech's fault, everything goes to the Leech's account... everything but money... Why?? Why???

What have i learn from this? I learn that i can't repent for my crime, mainly is because i do not know what i did wrong, how do i repent on my mistake when i do not what mistake have i made in the first place? If this keep going on i seriously doubt i can get into any serious relationship with others. If my normal friend can't stand it, how do you expect your partner to actually face it? Double sigh~~~

Twinkle, twinkle LED~~~

I spend few hours soldering that little circuitry 2 days back and today it is broken into 3 different piece and i was like OMG~~~ but it was expected since i know it was very fragile and luckily it did broke apart too. I noticed that i've mix and matched the wrong legs to the wrong part of the circuitry, else i might have seen smoke haha..,

Anyway spend the same amount of time to redo the circuit again... salvage it from a dead board and... ... well after few hours of delicate soldering i manage to get it done. And after connecting it to the board for some serious DOE, i hear a song ... it was twinkle, twinkle little stars.... The LED on the board started blinking which means something with the power delivery / sequence ... which means that the board can't boot and i can't proceed with my DOE which means all my hard work today basically went down the drain again... sigh~~~

I need rest... no OT tomorrow~~~~!!!!! oops... i mean today, its after midnight now hahaha... i've spend almost 34 hours at work for the past 2 days... kool~~~

D dark black day

Damn damn damn... that is generally what i wish to convey. Its just not my day )!$Y!)$!

Drove to PISA for the PC fair and after the fair... my car got attacked... yup attacked~
My car was covered with bombardment from the sky... RUN~~~!!! TAKE COVER!!!! Its the evening and the birds are making their way back to their nest and just my luck... my car is just under one of their stop.... DAMN!!! WTF!!!

Later while having dinner with Bert. My curry mee slip from in between my fingers and ... ... splash~ my pants is covered with curry soup. Luckily i was able to take gobble down a portion of the soup else... but come to think of it, luckily its not hot else ... but anyway its just not my day... Hope there won't b a next time else, i really need to do some serious prayers.

Syok~ Climb 20 stories of stairs

*^!%)*$!$
This is my 1st thought when i found out that the lift is dead. Less than a month ago, the other lift was arsoned by some idiot and its out of commission and today after i got back from work and #brum~~ (thunder + lightinng) # its dead

=_=" ... $%)$%!*)%!$^(!$^!$#$&

KANASAI~~~~ If i know who was the idoiot who arsoned the other lift i'll hang him like the Hangman like in the tarot card

I went to the fire escape and climb... 1 stair at the time... 1 landing at a time... 1 floor at the time ... there i look... 5ft floor.... 12th floor, hey i noticed that my building start to change after the 10th floor then again at 16th and again at 19th floor... the building like goes to a cone shape haha... anyway by the time i reached the 20th floor i was relieved but... the fire escape door was locked... again #brum~~ (thunder + lightinng) # i ran down stairs and took the other fire escape up... luckily there are 2 staircase else i would have torn down that stupid door... sigh~~

Well i'm almost spent... its been awhile since i moved my mussles hehehe.... nid to wash my cloths... aihhhhh.... well that's life hahahahaha