2016 is here

Well, this is the new year. I should have a new year resolution right? But no.... I am not going to disappoint myself in 2016.

Well maybe i should do a simple one. I think I'll try to do a weekly blog, at least to remind myself of the week that past by and hopefully years down the road I'll be revisiting my own writing and laugh at my stupid younger self. Yea, that sounds fun... making fun of your own self.

Anyway, was back home over the new year and really made the effort to spend time with my parents, bringing them out for meals and being their errand boy. It feel like forever since I've really did it and it felt ok. It's good to be useful around the house again.

Dad told me something that I really want to remind myself for the rest of my life... Dad basically told me this, "As men, when we have a wife, it is our duty to love her and treat her right." well... this is something simple but it's very important lesson in life. Been hearing from mum how dad treat her when she was sick previously, even taking days off from the office just to take care of her.

I guess I get my manners for treating the ladies from my dad. And I got my stubbornness of a relationship from my mum. I have an expectation on how a healthy relationship is supposed to be. How I should treat my lady and how my lady should respond.... and like all things in life, with expectations comes disappointments. All I'm asking is that you share with me your daily life, your problems, your happiness, your thoughts... basically let me experience your day once awhile. I feel that it is important for me to know what is going on in your daily life so that when we do get together in the future, I know what you go thru and I'll know how to treat you.

As a talkative person, I really like to share my thoughts and feelings but I will need someone to listen to begin with. The reason I started blogging is because I wasn't able to find someone for me to rant to. I don't want to simply rant to anyone, I just want to rant to you, that special someone... I don't usually open my heart to anyone so please don't make me re-seal the seal that I've broken.

Just don't....
... I just want to be loved....
... ... Is that so much to asked for?

... Really?

Random Thoughts #

Been rather emo for the past 48 hours. May be i was in touch with it, which is not something that i do very often. The good part of it is that i found out something about myself that i didn't know previously (even sometimes it may not be a pleasent one) the bad part to it is that... well i'm being emo (not something i enjoy) and to counter that, my evil twin is taking over in some sense. And as a result... I got some work done ^.^ (as i've been being lazy for the past few days).

Another thing that i thought about today is how well does my friends knows me? Does my friends who reads my blog knows more about me that those who don't? Sometime i wish i have that specific person to read my blog and sometime i wish there are those who don't come to read my blog. As most of you who read my blog... most of you might have notice that my blog will talk about a lot of things that goes on in my life and most of the stuff that i wrote about are my frustration towards things that actually goes wrong in my life and that sometimes involves some people. I try to avoid names and stuff but ... well sometimes if you read it correctly you might actually identify the person which is something i don't want to do.

hmmmmm.... yea.. i am not good in expressing myself in words and especially in a F2F conversation so i usually resort to writing and texting. I to avoid actual conversation in anyway possible even when it's work related and especially when it's those that involves heart to heart talks. So my blog becomes my only place to express out all my negetive feelings.

AR for the day... get the emo feeling out of my system. Leech hwaiting~!!

NWO...

As most of you would have noticed by now (or not :p) i spend a lot of time on the internet. Most of the time i will spend my free time "Youtube"-ing on mass variety of topics, from food channel to weapons of destruction to history to myths and legends to educational and even to mind twisting stuff of conspiricies. The internet is a BIG library and if you know where to look, you usually will be able to find a topic of your choice.

Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.

I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.

Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....

The fear of 1000 days ahead...

Been to hospital lately and i notice that i was 27 years and 6 months old ... so in another 2 years and 6 months i would have leave the boundaries of 2x and be in the 3x region of my life. Not a pretty number to look at. Sigh... But on the bright side, did you know there is actually a joke about men being refered to as a bottle of wine while women are refered to as flowers? For wine, it taste better with age while flowers withers with age. Been joking with bro about nobody knows how to drink this distictive bottle from the 1983 vintage which was a partial reason that i'm still lonely. Partially... yup... partially... I am not the kind of person who knows what i'm feeling and i've not been putting much effort on feeling lately, a very long ago "lately".

I've been putting a lot of my time, effort and energy on work and recently photo shooting that i've not given any thought on any other things. The other things i mean is on my relationship. Like i was saying in another 2 years and 6 monts i'll be 30 and i'm still the lonely leech that most people knows since high school. As i recall, the last time i actually put or given any thoughts of having a relationship was back in my uni days, which has long left me. It's kind of a culture in my team to start bragging me about having a relationship and every single girl that came in seems to be a kicker for another round of bombardment.

Sometimes i can't help to think that the reason for me not having any thoughts in this is due to my commitment to work or it was due to my lack of emotions or simple due to my ignorance? Seriously, it seems that there is nobody i know nowadays that is able to trigger the urge in me. Well men have to feel the urge before they start to do courting process right? It seems that the last time i even feel attracted to a girl was back in uni... hmmmm.... what is wrong with me? I have no idea, i just know that all my effort are now in work and in photography.

Travelling ....

Been thinking (and whenever that happens, something is not right) i've been working for 3 years adn 3 months now and ... well... i feel stuck... i'm stuck here and here only... btw i mean our "lovely" country. Most of my friends have did some travelling in their work career but not me... sigh...

My ex-colleagues went travel and biz trip almost immediately after i left, one of them even when Japan for 2 weeks? And my other course mates who joined the same company (but different org) got a chance to travel and they joined later than me...

I don't know why i feel bad about this, may be is because many people ask me about this a lot, for e.g. ...
Friend A: Hey, you didn't travel to US?
Friend B: Ya... When are you going to US??
Me: Er... the things i'm doing will not allow me to travel.
Friend A: Really??? My friend just went to xxxxx for y-months for training.
Friend B: Ya and many of my friends from "W" company got a chance, some even went there couple of times. I thought all US based MNC will travel also to US. Not like that meh?
Me: Er... ... ... ... ... No... ... obviously... #sigh#

I'm not sure how many of you guys have ever been into this kinda awkward situation but i've been in a lot which can be kind of frustrating if you think about it. Well it's a sucky feeling whenever i get this questions.... well i guess that's my life...

You to the world

Was explaining something to my buddy at work today when it suddenly strike me... something rather random and yet seem so sensable. Silly yet meaningful. I believe i have similar thoughts before but today.... ... today it seems so much sensable when i think about it maybe due to chain effect that happened after that. I spend almost 2 hours in the club house playing Wii with my colleagues and after that i came home, with an empty stomach just to know that my housemates are not at home... tired, hungry and lonely... best combo.

Well the question that came to the piece of muscle in my head, a.k.a my brain, was.... What is my value to the people around me? It seems that the only other person in this world, besides me, who actually cares about me are my parents ... and occasionally my brother. So who am i to everyone else? It just seems that, after working hours is over, i'm only as valuable the Sodium Chloride molucule in the sea... with or without that molucule, the sea is still that salty and it ain't going to be that much saltier with me. I am only seen as valuable when it's office hours and when somebody need help with something. Yup... as valuable as the handy man.

I can't help but to feel that the closest "family" i have here are in fact my colleagues but they are only my colleagues from 8 - 5.30 or the occasional additional OT hours. But that's that... at the end of the day, they have someone who will wait for them to either come home to or to call and to say "Hi". There is just that somebody ... whom sadly to say, i don't have. My parents are 400km away and ... and... er... well... that's all ... i guess...

It is times like this that i wish that i don't feel anything at all. I feel like there is a gap in my current life. And whenever this topic pops up... the next thing that will come is THAT question / statement again... "CH, get a girlfriend la... dun just always stay in lab, you not getting younger ".. blah , blah , blah.... It's not that i don't want to find but it ain't exactly a walk in the park right? You will wish to choose your Ms Right, so she will want to choose her Mr. Right too so... are you that Mr. Right to your so called Ms Right? Well let's not go there and back to my question...

...what do you think your value are to this world? All i know is... in this island called Penang, it is dirt cheap...

Bro...

Am I a caring person? Do I sometimes care too much about someone? Do I sometimes take too much initiative to help people ?

Well that's just something random, so feel free to ignore it. Was chit chatting with some friends today over these messenger and had a funny experience (well it was kinda funny to me). I had two of my friends called (or should i say treat) me as Big Bro.

hmmm....

Well may be that has some truth to it i guess. Sometimes I think I tend care too much about someone that i feel that i'm over doing it and to others, it might look like i'm being "too nice" to these people as most of the time i'm so called "extra nice" to females. But thanks to my dullness and numbness in emotion, most of the time if not all the time all i am to these people i'm just the Big Bro who they can come to when they have problems.

I wonder ... if i were to take more initiative in making more "courting" other than just caring... i wonder .... ... ... ...

What if....

What if” is such a nice word. It just pulls together all the possible outcome and make force you to think of the possibilities which in most cases are the more beautiful ending cases. And then you start to regret for not doing the “what if” stuff. This is how ironic we as human are, whenever we do a “looking back” session we will have all these “what if”s coming up and then we’ll have all these “regrets” which is too little too late.

Awhile back, I was driving by Queens Bay where I saw this beautiful rainbow. Then when I parked my car by the roadside and looked up I saw a beautiful angle to take a very beautiful photo where the rainbow was perfectly visible just above the in between the triangle in a lightly darken evening 7pm sky with the street light and if I have a filter to make the street light shoots out like star then it will be almost too perfect. The only problem is… … … I don’t have my camera with me. What if I have taken my camera with me and put it in my car the day before, I used to have the habit of bring it along with me but not anymore, and then this could almost be a picture perfect photo… sigh…

This actually brings me to another incident where I can’t help to think “What if” …

What if I have taken initiative to study harder or to get to know more people, who will I be today? Well let's face it, my capability towards knowledge is only up this limit so the question remain, what if i took more initiative to get to more people, namely girls. Would I still be single, available and desperate a.k.a S.A.D today? I can't help to think that there might have been a chance for me back in my uni days but I guess I've blown it by being me... I didn't take any initiative in relationship just because I kept telling myself that good things will not happen to me and that I am only second best if not the third to others. What if i have make move ? What if I have maintained close contact ?

What if...

what if indeed... ... its too little too late now as it's all history. The "she" has graduted and I've left uni for 3 years, if the "what if" were to happen it would have happened long ago right? And me... I'm still the brat that I was 3 years ago, still naive, stupid and childish inside and on the outside, I'm serious, responsible and the unbeatable iron bangla.

I'm 27 this year and my friends is getting married one by one, do i feel the pressure of being single? Not really, may be work has dulled my senses but being single doesn't sounds or seems that bad besides the usual lonely and solitude nights or when you have tonnes of things to blurt out but nobody to listens to. Other than that, I'm still ok with my life.... the question is, for how much longer? I tell myself that I need to change, I tell myselt that this life of mine is a hazard and I tell myself I need to take control of my private life more but they are only words, words which I care less about.

For me, myself and I... ... have a happy cold and lonesome night, today... tomorrow ... and who knows, till my d_ _ _ g days??? Hahahahahaha.... cheers~~

Law of Attraction

This law goes something like, if u want it, and dream and hope for it strong eoungh it, it will happen (or something like that) ... hmmmm..... well i've not doubting this so called law as i have my fair share of hopes and achievements.


I went to my diploma setting a goal that i must graduate with a min pointer of 2.6 and i got it. As i move on to my degree, i told myself i must graduate with a min pointer of 3.0, i got that too. Of course i've worked my ass off for the results but i did get what i want. This are the only two examples that i could think of for now. So yes, i want it hard enough and i got it. For my other examples, it doesn't run far away from work or school related, nothing much on the personal aspects of life.

I've never thought of getting in a relationship until i graduate from high school, so throughout those period (which happen to be among my best moment of my life) i've never put any thoughts into relationship. And come to think of it, if i had i might not be Mr. Lonely till today. Coming into my adulthood... I think the law still applies, i mean till today i doubt that i've put in much thought about getting a partner. If i had i might have one by now right? Or is it due the fact that there is nobody around that is able to start the spark in me? Should i focus more on my working self or should i start focusing on personal self? I'm 27 now and i'm already seeing a lot of my friends from my school days getting married or engaged or at least in a healthy relationship.

Rush... rush

Today us the eve of CNY which can be a very important date. All family members are (usuall) required to be back for the reunioun dinner so everyone is in a rush to get home.

It was ~4am on the North-South highway and i saw the same thing i saw last Raya... tonnes and tonnes of cars. Instead of a long long highway it looked more like the normal highway in KL during a busy weekend. Thank god i'm travelling in the opposite direction. I've pick up the habit of driving during the off peak hours, usually after 2am. Talking which... i'm kinda sleepy now.. need to catch some Zzz so i won't doze off tomorrow... hehe nitz

English lesson

Engineer /'anjing liar'/

Synonyms: a form of trash, a nobody, an overworked under paid profession

Meaning: someone who takes in $hit that nobody wants and cleans, turn them into something else that everyone thinks they want with the only reward is NOT to get screwed by the person who started the $hit in the first place

WORDS

I've not done this is awhile but i hv the sudden umph to edit the lyrics of this song.... hope u guys enjoy it...

Edited from Words by BoyZone

Words Work
Work, an everlasting work
This work can bring death nearer to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
My boss just said that to me

Verse:
This world has lost it's glory
There won’t be any story
Now my friend
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say...

Chorus:
It's only work
And work are all I have
To drain my life away

Craps, in everlasting work
And dedicate them all, to me
And it will drain you of your life
It’ll drain it if it should call to you
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say...

CHORUS, repeat

Da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da

repeat VERSE
repeat CHORUS twice

Drifting apart

It seems to me that i've been there and yet not there for awhile now. I can't help but to feel that i'm drifting further away from my peers at work, not all of them but most of them i think... Could it be due to my boss or it is just me? I'm getting more serious and less idiotic lately, and the more serious i am the further apart i feel. A colleague of mine used to chat with me a lot but lately we hardly speak to each other .... and this symptome seems to be expanding to my other colleagues, one by one... Is this my fault?? Sigh .... I guess i'm bounded to be Mr Lonely ...

I'm bored~

Nothing is new here.. yea, i'm bored and always have been for quite some time now so i went to search on something on the world wide web for a topic that has been going on for some time ... ... basically is about me, or should i say things said about me...

Girls
Girls 2

Hahaha ... no, i just simply do it out of curiousity and for fun. Its kinda educational in a way. I know a lot stuff althought not on all topic but this is topic that i have no knowledge about. Sigh.... i could blame myself for not going to "learn" it but.... well i dunno.

Work has been very much about me since it is the only place where i can feel the appreciation and sense of belongingness. And like all things, all good things must come to an end, and when it does i will go from a appreciated person back into a nobody. So due to this reason, i like working, i like being involved in projects, it is the only time where people knows that i'm alive. I guess this is due to the bad experience back in my secondary school days and it got futher amplified as i reach college where people will come looking for me when they have issues and bark at me when i'm unable to deliver also forgets me when issues is resolved.

YES~~ I'm a peon and as Bluewindz like to put it, i'm an Bangla... ermmm let me upgrade myself, i'm an Titanium Bangla.

ROM??

This seems to be a very new word to me. All this while the only ROM i knew was Read Only Memory, now it has evolved into another word that is so foreign to me that it is almost alien... Registration of Marrige. Hahahahahahhahahhahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ....

Please excuse my rudeness. I can't help but to feel helpless when i see this word. It just seems to foreign to me and yet it's been popping up here and there. My colleague registered last year and is getting married this year and then another close buddy of mine just attended his own ROM with another good friend of mine, and ... well just a lot of ROMs and marrige going on and i can't help to feel that it is just the begining....

This just got me thinking.... as many ROM and marrige that i see and heard, i have seen and heard my fair share of death and sickness too. Quoting from a Chinese series "How many tenth of years do we have in life?" which is quite true... i always tell people life should be lived not endured but look at me. Am i living life or enduring it?

Birth - growing up - career - love - family - death

A simple cycle yet i see so many is unable to fulfill it. Maybe the simpliest things in life are the hardest to accomplished. I'm building my career and i've almost lost touch with family and the "best" part is that death just seems not so far away nowadays. I've passed the first two stage... and like the song goes...where is the luv~~ ... where is the luv ~~ the luv ~~ the luv

7 - 11, is that what life is all about?

Arh... life... i've been having this 7 - 11 life for quite awhile now and i'm still practicing it even though i'm tired like an arse...

Today seems to be a good day to write something... i mean thought of something that i really need to keep in mind.

Bout half hour ago i was still in the lab doing this stupid rework, which could have been done by other team but for god knows why, it got stuck to me ... and all my work done previously during the weekends just went down the drain so beside my fame quote of "WTH~~" i have no other comment... sigh....

Then bout 20 mins ago as i was leaving the company compound in my car, i was listening to the radio and heard sometime rather funny and "educational". The radio announcer was telling bout a story bout a guy who kept on saying "I'm bout to die soon and you are #blah blah blah #" or "I'm bout to die soon and i am #blah blah blah #". He was at a function and the chairman is having a ball of a time yapping away his "wonderful speech" and this guys started saying I'm bout to die soon and i'm here listening to this guy, i've just lost another 2 hours with my wife" But the fact is that this guy is very healthy, he could take his time over a buffet dinner, go for a walk in the part etc... he just choose to live life to the max doing the things he likes and enjoy. This some how reflect onto me where i spend so much time in the office so what about me? I'm going to die soon too... but i'm still in the office working my pants off... tis could proof to be an issue.

Later bout 10 mins ago, i was still listening to the same radio station and the same radio announcer was talking about this person who is rather famous (is a chinese author) who wrote a story bout her mother. The mother always calls her up asking her to come back home and since she is working in a place so far, far away, she seldoms goes back to visit. The mother would keep calling rushing her to come back and she would give excuses that she's busy with work and all... the mother even ask her the lie to the boss saying that she has cancer and has bout 6 months to live but in return she got a small lecture from the daughter on this and this also reminded them of the old times when she doesn't want to go to school. Later the mother went to town to pay her a visit, and the mother took the cheapest bus available which was packed and smelly and with her was a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables from the farm back home. To the author she could not understand how her mother was able to kept it so well preserved even in such condition and she concluded, wherever there are mothers, there are always miracles.

Anyway the story continues that the mother kept on pushing that the author took the time to go back and spend some quality time with the mother. The mother would spend every minute of her time with the daughter, talking and sharing even right before she goes to sleep at night she would have a small smile on her face. But 2 weeks later she got a call from her aunt telling her mom was sick, she went back thinking it was a trick like last time but at the bus station her mother was not to be seen. When she got back the aunt told her that right after she called, her mom has already "left" but she left smiling, knowing that she has spend her last happy moments with her beloved daughter. And her mother indeed had cancer and indeed only have 6 months to live.

Well listening to this story i really do felt sad and all... a part of me knew of the ending it would bring but i kept sitting there in my car listening. It seems like the inner me wish for me to listen and i did. From all these events today it has brought me to think about life. We often spend too much time working that we ignored bout ourself and we opt to spend more time for ourselves. But little do we know that for the little time we spend on ourselves, we spend even less time for our beloved ones, namely our parents, our family.

Is work really that important that it worth sacrificing your life and the life of your loved one? This question coming from a guy who works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week seems to carry little, if non at all, any weight. But it does make one thing... ... is it worth it? I know i'll be thinking of these for the next few days and in about 2 weeks time i would have return to the old me... 16 hours shift again but at least i stopped and smell the coffee today ... ... food for thought.

Intern?

Haha... this was a thought i had in mind recently...

Was really thinking, if i were to tell people that i'm an intern, will anyone believe me?? Hey i'm not old so it shouldn't be that hard to swallow if i were to tell people that i'm intern right? =p

Hey it's just a thought...

Monday morning~~

Something i captured on a Monday morning sky and edited using MS Paint...

Climbing the ladder

Let's see who i am today... ...
...
......
..........
... Oops... i'm still a nobody... sorry for wasting your time there... i'm still that small potato in the huge watermelon farm and i guess i'll remain that potato unless i do something about it soon... but what? sigh~~

Do i look like a person who likes to climb up the ladder? A colleague of mine say dat i am. Is it so obvious ? I wonder...

Yea i wanna go up but most important to me is that people around me give me their full support when i do go up else it would not be much of a success don't u think?

Fish fish and more fish

Yea.. what could i say about fish?
Erm...
How about me talking about selling them... so in short i'll call it a selfish story...

Here's the catch (haha... fish and catch) something happened today that somehow triggered me to think how selfish a man could be? It's only natural for a man to be selfish don't u think so? One can't always thinks of others and neglect themselves, right? So the question on my mind now is... when do you call a person to be selfish? If you were to throw me this question, i woudn't know how to answer. I would like to think of myself as an unselfish person, as a giving type but the question remains... Am I? Most of the time when asked about this i would strongly believe that most of us would have the same thinking as i do, saying that "I'm not a selfish person" but deep down.... honest thought... are you?

Whenever i see a selfish act done by others i would come in rage and saying to myself

WTH how could he be so selfish ... i can't believe this guy.

But today i learn to think of it another way... if i were him would i have done the same? Now that's a thought to ponder about... not all the so called injustice and selfish act that i see, i can do. I would usually think,

Will my actions bring mayhem to others???

and if the answer is no then i would do it. Till this point, i would start to wonder how many of you who are reading this would agree with this thought of mine about myself? Well can't actually blame you if you think that i'm not the person who i say i am because if you were to say that about yourself i would have responded the same.

And to be honest i could not be called as an unselfish person myself, if i remeber correctly a friend once told me from the teaching of Buddha, that a truely unselfish man is someone who would do or help to do something without asking / hoping / thinking or even imagining to get anything in return. No rewards, no word of praise, no thank you not even a gesture of acknowledgment for his every actions. Of the four items i named above, i only asked for the last item... a gesture of acknowledgement... just this... is this too much to ask for? But by doing this, i'm hoping to gain something in return for my efforts thus disqualifying me ...

So a question to you fellow readers tonight before you lay yourself to bed tonight would be... when / what was the last selfish / unselfish thing that you've done?