CRAP~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *%&^(!&)^&*^&)(!^&

Dammit... as i was leaving my house i dented my car again... the bloody place has such sharp corners and usually i would hv avoided it but what this time i missed?? CRAP~~~!!!!!! When i arrive in the lab i accidently knock on my probes and broke another of a very scarce ... double crap... damnit damnit damnit... what a way to start of my week at work...

need to flush this out of my system to avoid me burning up people to a cinder with my fiery breath of death... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

LIFE SUX~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All over...

Sunday... at approx 840am my dad told me that grandma is gone. I was at their hotel room in Penang since they came up to pray for my aunt who passed away in 2004 together with my cousins. I was not stunned or do i feel suprised, it was slightly more than an "ohh.." moment but there was no sadness there. And to make the story even better, dad says he heard grandpa telling him that he is taking grandma along with him. Spooky?? Well it's family so i can't say that it is spooky.

We arrived at Kek Lok Si and then i decided to inform my bosses about the incident and that i need to take off from Penang to attend the funeral. It was after i send the sms and that i recieved the reply from my colleague where i start to feel a slight tear in my eye. Although it didn't form big enough to drop or drool down my cheeks but i know it was there. At that moment i did feel sad but it was just for a very short moment so short that when i noticed that it is there, it was all gone. The unfinish droplet suddenly dried up and i was back to normal. After our short prayer, i send dad n mum back to the hotel to get their stuff and then i went back to my house to get my laptop then we are off, back to KL.

Later that night we went to Klang where her body is there. There was not many of the family there. From what i know, she has seen everyone that she wanted to see but she still miss something. She missed the moment to see "the family", she has only seen the members but she has not seen the family as the family. She hung there for a week, fighting and struggling, and just before everyone was able to make it back in time. The "train" left. She was gone. According to Sonya she was crying the night before she "go" tears keep rolling down her cheeks, maybe she knew she is at her limit, that she could not hold any longer... i guess those are the tears of dissapointment, tears of regret, tears of un-fulfilment.

I went to her coffin just before i left and i looked at her, through the glass window. At that moment, i feel a weight, a weight weighing down on me from within. It is slightly heavy, it was slightly burden, it was some sort making me a little heavy on my breathing. Unlike how i felt last time in front of grandpa, this time there is no negetive feeling in me. Over at grandpa i felt bad for not appologizing for some of the things i said and done, but in front of grandma there was nothing. Except for the "heavy" feeling there was nothing else. And unlike other aunt whom pass away bout 3 years back there was no sadness.

Before i leave i just say in my heart. Rest now grandma....

I wonder how would i feel later at her funeral tomorrow. I'll take the next bus back to Penang and hopefully able to make it in time to go back to the lab to do some work. Has work dulled my senses??

Hope u r alright...

Just got a sms from my bro not long ago... he say that one of our cousin is saying that grandma is in critical condition... .... seriously... i do not know how to react. I'm still in the lab helping my GT out with some board issue and at the same time i got this news which is kinda disturbing. How should i react? What should i do? What could i do?

Here i am again in a large cold room with nobody else but me, is this a good setting for me to be in right now??? But frankly it would be much of a difference too even if i am with a bunch of friends i guess... when i got this news i could have easily shared it with my GT who is sitting right next to me, but i didn't ... i chose to held it in and act like nothing happened and said totally nothing... ...

Had just finish my dinner and i'm suppose to continue with my work but i really do feel disturb by this news (that is why i'm writting this blog i guess).... I'm miles and miles away so i know there is nothing that i can do so no point for me to be disturbed right? Come to think of it, grandma has not been in very good shape since last year so being in critical condition should not come as a suprise right? So for me trying to feel normal should be normal, right?? But it's family, regardless how far away you are, as long as you know that a family member is not in a good shape you have your share of sadness and worries, right? Why am I slapping my right hand with my left hand here... I'm making statements that contradicts everything... ...

Seriously i do not hope to get any suprises from my brother again tonight.... or any other night ... ... hope you are alright grandma ... ... ....

Edited at 8.48pm: I'm at home now, can't get over what i just wrote here so i decided to add in a few more words. I should be feeling sad and worried now but i don't think i'm feeling that but i do feel confused. Confused at why am i feeling confused instead of worried... why is that? What is wrong with me? Have i lost my ability to feel again? Another confusing night in the corrupted mind of the Leech.

Internal flame

This is actually what happen about a week ago... an incident that fuel me up so much that i feel like i can do a "scorched earth" on Bayan Lepas with relative ease. Let me go into some background before i continue my bullet bombardment. There was a task that was originally assigned to me but it was later given to "the-person-whose-name-should-not-be-spoken" or TPWNSNBS (wow even in short the name is still damn long haha... let's cut the name shorter ... ok.. i'll just call it as "It" hahahaha) to handle. For me it was blessing since i had my hands tied then.

Time pass ... .... ...

Then shyt happens... "It" suddenly say that "It" is feeling too tension causing "It" to fall sick and do not wish to continue the task. So out of the blue i have to take the task back and continue working on it, which during that time i was still ok with it. So i worked on it and try to finish what ever loose ends available.

Few days later ... ... hell broke loose again, at least from my end.

All the sudden "It" says "It" want to take back the task and continue where "It" has left of... Seriously when i got the news i was feeling so angry, WTH~~ when u wan it, u take it; when u don't feel like it, u just throw it away? (sorry for my choice of words here) Fuk U ~~~~~~~~~ I'm not a ball where you can throw me around wherever and whenever you want. To makes matter worse "It" wish to test my EQ and ask to talk about this matter... damn i still need to put on a smiley face to discuss about something i'm so enrage about.

I can work with anyone regardless of their attitude and personality or how much i dislike them as long as they perform professionally at work. This is something i instill within myself and i've always perform to my best on this matter; but since you can't even give me the pleasure of treating you professionally as a professional then do not blame me for treating you as a slob as you are from now onwards. This is not the first time you perform un-professionally and i seriously doubt this will be the last either. How can people (i'm soooo tempted to use the word slime) survive here? Damn it.. life is so unfair.

Life of boringness

I just had a thought today... a thought that doesn't seems to be too nice on my ... er... ... ego?? The thought was... ...

Am I a boring person??

I asked 2 person this question today and both of them give me a confirmed "Yes". One of them was a good and very close "more-than-friend" friend and another was someone who have just know me for less than a month. I've basically went from misleading to interesting to, basically who i am today, plain boring. I just notice that all i ever talk about nowadays y have something to do with work.

I mean about 2 weeks ago i attended a gathering organized and attended by my GT along with other GTs in PDC and at most of the time there i stood there like an idiot. I can't find any interesting topic to talk or could i cook up some stupid jokes like i always have ... i was just there like and idiot... and thinking back it was kinda odd for me to show up too... why did i showed up?

What have happen to the Leech? The leech who can talk from sun rise to sun set on virtually anything on everything. What happen to gift of the gab that i once had? What happen to cooking up topics just to get the ball rolling ?? What happen to all that? What happend to me?? The Leech.... what the ... ... ... ...

Have i been too involved in work that i've lost most, if not all, of my communcation skills? I've lost touch with the world so much that i don't even know what is going on outside the four walls of my lab and house. Damn this is a painful thought.

Just damn.... sigh

Seriously ... i need a life... i spend so much time at work and when i'm NOT at work i'm at home either gaming my day away or login to the VPN and working from home ... and again... work... Am i that "responsible" or am i just that too serious with work or am i just plain stupid? I really need to get out more, smell the poisonous gas of carbon monoxide of the streets of Penang more, crap... i just need to get out. And arriving at this point of my blog i seems to start blabbering away again ... this is another thing i notice bout myself... i tend to talk like a 70 year old grandfather lately... always blabbering about this and that ... damn, damn, damn.... i better stop before i extend my blog with another thousand words talking about rubbish... nitez ...

The hardship of work

The Hardship of Work

The tides has come and fade away
And I can't stop to wonder why I stay
Is this what I seek in life?
To work to slave and to learn to strife

Most I know work from 9 to 5
Yet I work from dawn to mid-night sky
Ever wonder what it worth?
To think about this make things worse

I vowed that I won't stay late
I vowed that I'll control my working state
But what I vowed I can't commit
As my workload seems to see no peak

A Pandora's box I have open
Leading my misery to grow worsen
Is this the price to climb the stairs?
To work my ass off and yet nobody cares

Will my contribution be seen and appreciate
Or will I be thrown aside and left to depreciate
I should speak up to be heard and to be seen
Else I might be thrown behind the scene

Can't help to wonder what bosses sees?
Am I an individual or something among the flea
If there is no future here for me to foresee
Then I'll take my bags cause it's time to flee

- From the pages of the Pathetic Poet -

Fish out of water

I think we all have that moment before, the moment where you would shout in your inner mind "What the hell are you doing here??!!" and "What have you got yourself into??". Well i had just one of this evening just today. There was this little gathering organized by the GTs and accidently i got myself invited to it. Initially i thought it could be fun, i mean going to met new people and stuff, something that i've not done in a very long time.

But least to my expectation is that... well i'm old. I no longer have the gift of the gab and i no longer able to mingle freely among the them as easily as i once could. Could it be because i'm kinda tense lately, thus making me a little isolated? I don't know. Going there and i found out that the youngest member is only 23 and i'm 26. Is there a gap between us? Hope not.

Anyway we ate and chit chat a little but most of the time i was just there standing, if it weren't for FR i might have died of loneliness and solitude. I enjoyed my time there but at the same time i feel odd... if there is another of such event, should i join ??

P/S no picture from me today... i took a few shots but it's still in my camera and i'm kinda lazy to upload it just yet... but come to think of it i might not post them either.... herm...