My feelings n emotions

Tis week has kinda hard one for me, having a few of my frens calling me up n telling me how frustrated, sad and heartbroken they are with me borrowing them my ear, listening to their sorrow accepting their tears... it got me down too as i was feeling for them as well. Then later i found out dat my aunt pass away. Sometimes our life is just like a random signal waveform, like my lecturer say in class,
"For an information signal to be useful, it has to be random. If u r able to predict the waveform then it wouldn't be a useful information signal."
(hey i'm an engineering student aren't i) and in a signal there r always peaks and valleys, sometimes when u think dat u've reaced the max/min point... there's another higher point and that is life, unknown, unpredictable and unbelievable.

I'm kinda jealous dat my frens have some1 to call n talk to; even the person is me. In a sense i'm happy since they choose me as their medium to release all their hard kept secrets, coz tis means dat i've have earn a certain level of trust in their life and has proven dat i'm a good fren. Sometimes i feel like i'm a big sponge, able to absorb a lot of things. Wait... sponge might not b the best example since the things i know are their secrets so i have to keep them well lock up within me. The more secrets i keep the more pressure i feel.. coz i need to be more alert on the things i say in from of everyone else but i dun mind coz having the feeling dat u've earn ur fren's trust means a lot to me and i like dat feeling.

Anyway today's post is not about keeping secrets or about being a sponge.... ... ... ... Like i say, lately has been a tough week for me. Had a few sleepless nights, have tonnes of homework piled up, test, mid-terms, assignments, #blah blah blah#, etc... I'm the type of person that dun feel tired as long as my mind is strong and remain focus but having all tis negetive things happenning around me lately has really make me lose focus... thus.. i'm bloody tired n weak; physically, mentally and emotionally (hey tis is new haha, nvr know dat i have emotions).

Like i say, i've jealous dat my frens have some1 to talk to when they r down but wat about me? Do i have some1 dat i can speak my mind, heart and soul to?? Frankly... I dun think i have one. Despite dat i've start to believe in frenship, i've not start to believe in ppl when it comes to my personal issues. Always keeping things to myself sometimes drives me up the wall. Yea.. i got frens like SC, Liz, HC, then i got my "sisters" and the gang that i can share my thoughts with adn willing to listen to me; but the fact is that i can't... i cant make myself to open my mouth n start to spill the beans to them. Is not that i wanna act macho, that i'm invincible n immune or anything nor that i dun trust them but... well the only reason that i can come up with is that, they r just my frens and i dun like to trouble my frens with my problems. I got a good lecture from SC bout tis b4,
"That frens are there for u to share ur problems, and by doing wat i'm do i'm not treating ppl around me fairly. I dun have to be the listener all the time, always being there for them when they need me but has never open myself for them when i need a hearing ear, never go to them when i 'm down. It is just plain selfish of me to do that."
So i've learn to take her advice to open up to others but there is a limit to wat i'm able to convience myself to talk about, and the things r just a tip of the iceberg compare to what i have inside.

Sometimes when everything starts to go wrong and problems start to pile up, i start to go hay wire and it makes me really frustrated, sad n unhappy. During those time i really wanna find some1 that i can spill eveything to. Making me sometimes vry desprate to find another half that i could throw myself to, throw all my feelings, my emotions, my burden, and everything else that i've been carrying around wif me for all these years. My frens have been bugging me bout tis but... like i always say, u choose person that u wish to be with, it's the same for there other side. Is not that u like the person and that person will sure to like u too. You might think dat she's ur miss right, but she thinks otherwise... wat can u do then? Sometimes to make matter worse, she might be in love or like some1 else... then wat can u do?? I too wish to find some1 to call my own, some1 that i can luv, some1 that loves me, some1 that can be there when i need her the most ... ... the list goes on, but the fact is ... is not easy. I was never good in feelings n emotions since i've lost touch with them for quite a number of years so sometimes i dunno have i really fallen for some1, but if i do, i really do hope dat she feels the same for me too.

May be is for these reasons i start to take up blogging. Writting everything here, where ppl that i know, i dun know or those i might know might or might not read. Sometimes writing down ur problem IS easier that saying them out althought by saying it out u feel better awhole lot faster and having a voice to listen to is really nice. To me, the best thing any fren can do for u is to be there n listen to you when u got something to say especially when u r feeling down in the dumpster. I know i'm capable of doin it for all my frens but will there b that 'some1' dat can do the same for me?? Only time can tell...