The confused one

Please choose one and tell me which suits me best. Please, feel free to express yourself, good or bad i'm ready for anything u wish to say.

A) Sloppy, indecidesive, childish
B) Matured, competent, hardworking
C) Workaholic, uncompasationate, harsh
D) Others?

Good or evil?
Black or white?

I came a long way to be who i am today, from the cold, iron-fist and ruthless keeper of justice, Lee to the current idiotic lookin, organized yet lazy person, CH. I always tell people, "I am who i am today because of what i did and who i was yesterday." So my days in secondary had really mold me into who i am.


Who?? Who am i?
Am i so much inferior to others that i'm nothing more but a mere person? A guy on the street? Can't i be considered special? One thing is for sure, i'm unaffectionate person but who can i blame for this other than myself.


I'm tired of asking myself this question and yet i can't help it but to question myself of my actions. Sometimes i do things beyond the comprehension of others and yet i sometimes i do stupid things that i know is not worth doing. As i quote the lyrics from a song by All Saints, "All the answers to my questions, i have to find"


To invest time on something that u might not get any return, will you do it? If u do, will u do it full-hearted? Am i only second best?


How do you define "a worthy cause"? Who is qualified to say how or what is a "worthy" thing to do? The first party? Second party?? Or maybe the 3rd party then?? Ain't it enough that the do-er thinks it worth it?? Either way, i do not know..

I come as i like,
I go as i please,
I do what i want,
I take what i need.

Tis is something i came up during my college/uni days and that has been how i've lived my life. I've always done things the way i wants it, when i want it because i've never what other thinks of me, and as long as i manage to deliver then i'm in the clear.. i still believe in this but somehow, it doesn't feels as real as it used to could it be due to the fact that i'm no longer a child, that i need to strive n fight for my own recognition. Again... i dunno, i just dunno.


Old?? Am i starting to feel old? I'm not sure about old but i know i'm getting tired... getting tired of myself, trying to understand myself, wat do i want from myself, wat do i want to do for myself... "Life is never fair, so live wif it" i tell this to my frens whenever some injustice happens to them but does it mean that i can swallow it when the injustice happen to me? NO, of course not, i'm oni human, i wan to be selfish and greedy too.


Why do i always have to be to good guy, be the hero that comes to the rescue. Why can't it be someone else? Why there aren't anybody there to come save me when i needed a hero? Why?? I too wish to be the weakling, wish to be the one being rescued but could i?


Izzit due to this reason that i've learned to keep all my feelings bottled up, put on a confident smile even when i'm down in the dumps, show that i'm Mr. Incredible and the invincible Leech even i got the whole world on my shoulders; that it felt that i dun nid help? And now... now i can't even be sure of wat or who i am. I know that i'm not good in verbal expression thus i chose this as my medium to express wat i'm feeling now so i guess being a workaholic is the only way i can keep myself focused n know who i am.


Would i allow myself to hold that role? No.. i wouldn't allow myself to take up that role, not in a million years. I've been displaying my strength so much that showing my weakness seems to make me looks... ... looks... ... so weak. My pride won't allow myself to do such a thing. It is my own pride that lifted my up from the dumps, it ws my pride who give me confidence, it was my pride who lead me to be who i am today. People once said;

A man's greatest enemy is himself

Believe it or not, this is true. My greatest enemy is non other than my personal pride but if it weren't for it, i would be who i am today. It is my greatest enemy and my closest friend.


My group leader once pass me an article, and i can remember this quite clearly,

We must be able to manage our own morale

We can be down and unhappy but no matter what happens, we still need to stand up and face the world again. And this is exactly wat i'm am doing. I'm managing my own morale using my own pride. And its this relationship that got me lost. Lost of feelings and emotions, lost of the ability to be affectionate, lost the ability to show my weakness even when i'm down.


Am i now unhappy, angry and frustrated? No i'm not but i am confused, i'm confused about me being me.


Some of you may be thinking "Man, tis guy must be vry depress lately to come up with something like this", but the fact is, i'm not sure what i'm feeling. Its just a mood swing i'm having (that's the closest thing i can come up with) so bear wif me awhile longer, i doubt i can make this post longer that its already is hehe.