Camera -> Kimera -> Chimera

Camera.. camera... camera...
That is what that has been popping around here and there. It has been an endless effort by all to push me into that deep hole and entrap me in the web of mirrors and pixels. No offence, i already own a camera and yes may be it's quite old and the techie-ness is way way off but it's a still a rather good camera and it's been with me for many years.

I use to have an internal battle between a 60D with a 7D... and i finally decided to go with a 7D. Which brings me to the next level of battle. Cash... Cold hard cash. The 7D have a pricy price tag... more than that i earn a month and that is before deducting all the "this and that"s ... and (yes there is another and) that is EXCLUSIVE the lense which could cost me another bundle of "joy" and tears. The cheapest lense, which is the only lense that i can afford now, is the 50mm f/1.8 which cost almost RM300... and the lense which is on my saliva-drooling-wishlist is the 24-70mm f2.8 L USM IS lense which cost approximately 18.2 times of the 50mm. No kidding, it's approximately 18x the price.

A camera is a freaking expensive hobby and i've set foot in it. Damn.... so is there a way that i can escape this fate? Yup.. i don't buy a dSLR in the first place then i'm free~~~ Yes i'm damn tempted to buy but i still need to worry about what i'm gonna eat for the next few weeks right? Damn all of you who only knows how to "promote" but never thinks on my behalf... sigh ....

YES... i am still going to proceed in getting the camera, it's just ... well a matter of time .... and money.... which again translate back into time.... (i can go on and on and on... )

NWO...

As most of you would have noticed by now (or not :p) i spend a lot of time on the internet. Most of the time i will spend my free time "Youtube"-ing on mass variety of topics, from food channel to weapons of destruction to history to myths and legends to educational and even to mind twisting stuff of conspiricies. The internet is a BIG library and if you know where to look, you usually will be able to find a topic of your choice.

Like i was saying, i've been spending a lot of time on Youtube and watch a lot of videos and was thinking ... there has been numerous videos talking about religion especially on Christianity and videos about the Templars and a new topic that most people won't talk about (at least not that i know of) is the thing called the New World Order thingy.

I remember a video from Zeitgeist talking about the Jesus and his resurrection, and there was also something that the video said that got me thinking. If Jesus was indeed a real person and he has make such a great mark in the history of mankind... Why isn't he documented in any orthodox history books? Well i can say the same for other religion such as Buddha but at least i see less of Buddhism or Hinduism being talked about (or criticise) so openly on the world wide web as Christinaity. And one of the most common word i heard (0r seen) in context with this topic will be "FreeMason" and the New World Order.

Sometimes i wonder how true all this could be and how does this impact me in the future... and my answer to this are ... well i don't know. I might not live long enough to actually seeing it occuring or i might not actually care if it did happen. And a food for thought i have after playing Assassins Creed (which also discussed about Templars and NWO related stuff) was.. "Nothing is true and all are permitted". Who knows, maybe nothing is true and we are all living in test tubes in some lab somewhere like in The Matrix or maybe we as human are just some cells in a bigger being. This world and it's wonders are.... infinite... who are we to say what is true and what is not, as 10 lies makes a truth....

The fear of 1000 days ahead...

Been to hospital lately and i notice that i was 27 years and 6 months old ... so in another 2 years and 6 months i would have leave the boundaries of 2x and be in the 3x region of my life. Not a pretty number to look at. Sigh... But on the bright side, did you know there is actually a joke about men being refered to as a bottle of wine while women are refered to as flowers? For wine, it taste better with age while flowers withers with age. Been joking with bro about nobody knows how to drink this distictive bottle from the 1983 vintage which was a partial reason that i'm still lonely. Partially... yup... partially... I am not the kind of person who knows what i'm feeling and i've not been putting much effort on feeling lately, a very long ago "lately".

I've been putting a lot of my time, effort and energy on work and recently photo shooting that i've not given any thought on any other things. The other things i mean is on my relationship. Like i was saying in another 2 years and 6 monts i'll be 30 and i'm still the lonely leech that most people knows since high school. As i recall, the last time i actually put or given any thoughts of having a relationship was back in my uni days, which has long left me. It's kind of a culture in my team to start bragging me about having a relationship and every single girl that came in seems to be a kicker for another round of bombardment.

Sometimes i can't help to think that the reason for me not having any thoughts in this is due to my commitment to work or it was due to my lack of emotions or simple due to my ignorance? Seriously, it seems that there is nobody i know nowadays that is able to trigger the urge in me. Well men have to feel the urge before they start to do courting process right? It seems that the last time i even feel attracted to a girl was back in uni... hmmmm.... what is wrong with me? I have no idea, i just know that all my effort are now in work and in photography.

Quickie update ~~

I think i can describe how my week went in 2 simple pictures hehehe ...


So this was me just earlier last week... just stand by (yup i think this is what standby really meant) the table waiting to do work...

And this is me ... later that same week... lying on the table and being "worked on"... hahaha this makes me think, how fragile a human can be... hmmmm ... so here i am on a 8 day MC and recuperating back at home now ... and come to think of it, recuperating can be a painful thing for me... not use to having to rest and rest and rest...

This is my 2nd time taking MC after working for 3 years... hahah so excited...

Anyway too much time in hand ... sigh... so when there are time there are thoughts... Some "Me time" again hahaha

PS: Yup i took this idea from a friend hahahaaa .... XD

Travelling ....

Been thinking (and whenever that happens, something is not right) i've been working for 3 years adn 3 months now and ... well... i feel stuck... i'm stuck here and here only... btw i mean our "lovely" country. Most of my friends have did some travelling in their work career but not me... sigh...

My ex-colleagues went travel and biz trip almost immediately after i left, one of them even when Japan for 2 weeks? And my other course mates who joined the same company (but different org) got a chance to travel and they joined later than me...

I don't know why i feel bad about this, may be is because many people ask me about this a lot, for e.g. ...
Friend A: Hey, you didn't travel to US?
Friend B: Ya... When are you going to US??
Me: Er... the things i'm doing will not allow me to travel.
Friend A: Really??? My friend just went to xxxxx for y-months for training.
Friend B: Ya and many of my friends from "W" company got a chance, some even went there couple of times. I thought all US based MNC will travel also to US. Not like that meh?
Me: Er... ... ... ... ... No... ... obviously... #sigh#

I'm not sure how many of you guys have ever been into this kinda awkward situation but i've been in a lot which can be kind of frustrating if you think about it. Well it's a sucky feeling whenever i get this questions.... well i guess that's my life...

Lappy down~~~

Today has proven as my most unproductive day. Went to lab ar around 7 and switched on my laptop.. i click on scan disk the day before so i allow it to do it thing and i went for my usual coffee. I got back and noticed that it is still running the scan disk thingu so i sat there over my cup of coffee and my magazine and do some reading (which is something i don't usually do even when i have nothing to do at home)... page after page i read... the scan disk thing is still doing it's thing... ... i saw good news.. it's at 98% and as i wait eagerly, i turn another few pages on my magazine and then i noticed that my laptop shut down.. hmmm that's strange, i don't recall the system to shut down after a scan disk... anyway i turn it on and let it load.... ... ... then it happened... everything turned blue... aiks~~~ it's the blue screen. I shut down and turn it on again and there it was again .. damn~~ my HDD crashed...

Took it to IT and got it fix... the diagonastic took another hour because they want to make sure it's the HDD problem and by that time it's almost 11. They say they will need to rebuilt the HDD and will take them 3 hours. Also they will call me when it's done...

Its almost 4pm and i still didn't get their call... i went to IT just to know that they weren't able to get me.. (stupid la with it's lousy reception) and with the restore and mumbo jumbo it finally dragged m till 6pm... there goes my day...

A whole day of nothingness.. no work, no progress, and no update... and whenever i have time i'll think of something and whenever i think of something i ended up feeling down and blue just like that blue screen... what am i doing in the team anyway??? My boss doesn't seems to appreciate me and to make it worse i felt being de-appreciated by my former boss to my new boss... if i'm that not important then why have me in the first place? Like the name suggest... it's Legacy "lei gau si" (in direct translation, it meant "your shit") so that is who i am.. the shit collector...

MIA...

THis is a common title that i put in my blog... but what to do... i'm engaged lately...
...
... ...
... ... ...

no i'm not "engaged" engaged.. i'm just occupied.

I've been away to Yogyakarta few weeks back (and i'm now still working on getting the photos up >.<) then i was all tied up with work, since i was away for a whole week. Then all hell broke loose when Chris gimme the crack to my long awaited Assassins Creed 2. I got the game for over a month now but i was not able to crack it so it was lying ideal in my desktop and now .. wuakakakakak i'm stressing it everynight (not only my PC but i'm also suffering coz of it hahahaha ) which in turn cause the super delay in my photo editing and uploading

Over the weekend i notice that my phone went dead... yes it is DEAD~!!!! the batteries went flat and i wan't able to charge it .. damnit!!!! My Diamond is dead .. wt... .... hell!!!

Today ... yes today....

I went to QB to send to the shop and that cost me RM150 and now ... Well my house seems to be powerless.. literally ... there is no power in my apartment so i'm forced to stay in my friend's place ..

Ain't my day indeed... sigh....

I wanna go home :'(

The future is in ... ... whose hand?

I have to admit that i am no pious person and i am a strong believer that you have the power to determine and shape your future. Yet... sometime i can't help to think that there is somebody up there who guides me and even grant me my wish to accomplish my goal.

There are many times in my life where i feel like giving up as i see my goal slip further and further away from me yet something happen and give me hope again. That my goal of mine is still within my graps if i work harder and push harder for it and i did. During the few times that i fell, hurt and bleed... i almost went thru something equivalent to hell to me and i climb back up. I work hard to accomplish the goals that i've set for myself.

But on the personal side... "He" has not given me much on the relationship area. All my hopes and achievement that i've wanted was achieved but never when it came to relationship. From normal friends to that special some one... i sux when it comes to human to human relationship as I am very good in screwing up my relationship with people around me.

Again... now i have another dream and achievement that i wish to achieve... will You give me that same support that You have given to me previously? I no longer have any hope for a relationship thus i will take this as the principle of equivalent trade... to trade my life for a happy relationship for a life of great achievement... can i do it just like how i've did it previously? Only time will tell ....

You to the world

Was explaining something to my buddy at work today when it suddenly strike me... something rather random and yet seem so sensable. Silly yet meaningful. I believe i have similar thoughts before but today.... ... today it seems so much sensable when i think about it maybe due to chain effect that happened after that. I spend almost 2 hours in the club house playing Wii with my colleagues and after that i came home, with an empty stomach just to know that my housemates are not at home... tired, hungry and lonely... best combo.

Well the question that came to the piece of muscle in my head, a.k.a my brain, was.... What is my value to the people around me? It seems that the only other person in this world, besides me, who actually cares about me are my parents ... and occasionally my brother. So who am i to everyone else? It just seems that, after working hours is over, i'm only as valuable the Sodium Chloride molucule in the sea... with or without that molucule, the sea is still that salty and it ain't going to be that much saltier with me. I am only seen as valuable when it's office hours and when somebody need help with something. Yup... as valuable as the handy man.

I can't help but to feel that the closest "family" i have here are in fact my colleagues but they are only my colleagues from 8 - 5.30 or the occasional additional OT hours. But that's that... at the end of the day, they have someone who will wait for them to either come home to or to call and to say "Hi". There is just that somebody ... whom sadly to say, i don't have. My parents are 400km away and ... and... er... well... that's all ... i guess...

It is times like this that i wish that i don't feel anything at all. I feel like there is a gap in my current life. And whenever this topic pops up... the next thing that will come is THAT question / statement again... "CH, get a girlfriend la... dun just always stay in lab, you not getting younger ".. blah , blah , blah.... It's not that i don't want to find but it ain't exactly a walk in the park right? You will wish to choose your Ms Right, so she will want to choose her Mr. Right too so... are you that Mr. Right to your so called Ms Right? Well let's not go there and back to my question...

...what do you think your value are to this world? All i know is... in this island called Penang, it is dirt cheap...

Bro...

Am I a caring person? Do I sometimes care too much about someone? Do I sometimes take too much initiative to help people ?

Well that's just something random, so feel free to ignore it. Was chit chatting with some friends today over these messenger and had a funny experience (well it was kinda funny to me). I had two of my friends called (or should i say treat) me as Big Bro.

hmmm....

Well may be that has some truth to it i guess. Sometimes I think I tend care too much about someone that i feel that i'm over doing it and to others, it might look like i'm being "too nice" to these people as most of the time i'm so called "extra nice" to females. But thanks to my dullness and numbness in emotion, most of the time if not all the time all i am to these people i'm just the Big Bro who they can come to when they have problems.

I wonder ... if i were to take more initiative in making more "courting" other than just caring... i wonder .... ... ... ...

Another level

Another year, another brother step forward into a new phase in life. Yesterday my 22 years buddy tied his knot with his beloved and end his bachelor-hood days.

I was there whole day trying my best to help him out to the best i could ...

... funny things is ... there is basically nothing more that i wish to say here, which is kind of odd...

Have a beautiful new life CCC ....

What if....

What if” is such a nice word. It just pulls together all the possible outcome and make force you to think of the possibilities which in most cases are the more beautiful ending cases. And then you start to regret for not doing the “what if” stuff. This is how ironic we as human are, whenever we do a “looking back” session we will have all these “what if”s coming up and then we’ll have all these “regrets” which is too little too late.

Awhile back, I was driving by Queens Bay where I saw this beautiful rainbow. Then when I parked my car by the roadside and looked up I saw a beautiful angle to take a very beautiful photo where the rainbow was perfectly visible just above the in between the triangle in a lightly darken evening 7pm sky with the street light and if I have a filter to make the street light shoots out like star then it will be almost too perfect. The only problem is… … … I don’t have my camera with me. What if I have taken my camera with me and put it in my car the day before, I used to have the habit of bring it along with me but not anymore, and then this could almost be a picture perfect photo… sigh…

This actually brings me to another incident where I can’t help to think “What if” …

What if I have taken initiative to study harder or to get to know more people, who will I be today? Well let's face it, my capability towards knowledge is only up this limit so the question remain, what if i took more initiative to get to more people, namely girls. Would I still be single, available and desperate a.k.a S.A.D today? I can't help to think that there might have been a chance for me back in my uni days but I guess I've blown it by being me... I didn't take any initiative in relationship just because I kept telling myself that good things will not happen to me and that I am only second best if not the third to others. What if i have make move ? What if I have maintained close contact ?

What if...

what if indeed... ... its too little too late now as it's all history. The "she" has graduted and I've left uni for 3 years, if the "what if" were to happen it would have happened long ago right? And me... I'm still the brat that I was 3 years ago, still naive, stupid and childish inside and on the outside, I'm serious, responsible and the unbeatable iron bangla.

I'm 27 this year and my friends is getting married one by one, do i feel the pressure of being single? Not really, may be work has dulled my senses but being single doesn't sounds or seems that bad besides the usual lonely and solitude nights or when you have tonnes of things to blurt out but nobody to listens to. Other than that, I'm still ok with my life.... the question is, for how much longer? I tell myself that I need to change, I tell myselt that this life of mine is a hazard and I tell myself I need to take control of my private life more but they are only words, words which I care less about.

For me, myself and I... ... have a happy cold and lonesome night, today... tomorrow ... and who knows, till my d_ _ _ g days??? Hahahahahaha.... cheers~~

Pine view

Another PRQ for company "I"... and initially we were promised a little lappy for each of us who participated... but in the end, all we got was the Easten wind. Anyway there was a celebration dinner last friday in Gurney Hotel and there was a lucky draw of the little Pine for 40 lucky winners... and no, i didn't manage to win it... but i got myself a prize as the organizer said that everyone will walk away with something.

Talking about the dinner, i am really frustrated with my camera's battery (i almost say camera but i know i can't) , it can no longer store charges... less than 100 shots and the battery dies on me. I really need new one else i'm stranded... I got a rather good camera but no batteries, how pathetic can you go??

Now i'm waiting for my prize... hopefully Zol remember to bring it tomorrow haha... itchy hand again hahahha ....

730 days in "I"

I can't believe how time has flew me by. Today marks the 2nd year that i've been with the "I" corperation. Althought i've been on board for 2 years but on the record i've only been there for 18 months. And in about 2 weeks time it will be my 3rd year working as an engineer not to mention to graduate from uni. These 3 years has been rather kind to me in terms of work. I have made many good friends and have many good colleagues in a good and condusive working environment. As a colleague of mine said "If you get good colleagues, consider yourself lucky. If you get bad colleagues consider that as normal."

Lets have a quick recap of what i've endured during this 3 years... ... ... ... i have experience super long working hours, and er ... erm... ar... well can't actually think if anything else i guess. After moving to Penang, it's been rather a different life. I have to tend to everything myself and i have nobody to tell me what to do. And how do i use all this freedom, i spend them at work. I work till it's nobody's business from early morning till very late at nite just to go back the lab early again the next day. Unlike when i was still in KL where i will most certainly reach home at certain hours of night.

Is this the proper life of an engineer? And in this 3 years i have learn a few myths related to engineering
1- Work life effectiveness... this term has been nothing much but a myth to me.
2- Engineers have very high pay ; depends on which line of engineering you are talk about basically
3- Engineers can fix virtually anything; hv you have friends who ask you to fix their TV just because you've worked in a TV factory?
4- Engineers are "kayu"; which i totally disagree coz i crack a lot of stupid jokes and most of the time it works... ...
5- Engineers are good with numbers; hmmm.. not me at least

All i can say is that, many people can study engineering but not all who graduate wants to be an engineer and those who wants to be an engineer, not all of them can be an engineer. Most importantly, those who can be an enginner not all will remained an engineer. So where does that leaves me?? I still like what i'm doing , being involved with technology and stuff... but until when? I wonder what will i say when i reach my 3rd year in this organization ... .... anticipating i guess...

Happy anniversary Leech...
by
The Leech....

^.^

Working Life Blues

Waking up on a cloudy day
I start to think it’s not my day
But here’s the sun after the rain
I guess the day aren’t such a pain

Weekends gone since yesterday
OMG here comes Monday
Need to wait another 5 days
To wait again for my holiday

Productivity increase at a slower rate
There is nothing I can do to escape this fate
What do you expect on a Monday
Email been piling up since Friday

Monday gone and its Tuesday
Work resume like any other normal day
Working additional hours to close some case
To some its just piece of cake

Tuesday went buy relatively smooth
Nothing compares to my Monday blues
Still there is nothing to contain my lazy ooze
Trying hard not to go to snooze

Tuesday gone for another day
OMG it’s now Wednesday
Half the week has pass me by
Its just left without saying goodbye

Wednesday is a day for rejoicing
Only half the week is left remaining
Counting down the number of days
For another weekend for my holiday

When the sun is away
The moon comes out to play
When the sun comes out the following day
Guess what… .. .. Its now Thursday

Today’s mood is just so-so
Anticipating the day call tomorrow
Work in hand today it must go
Else it’ll pile up and start to grow

Guess the weather, wind and day
What the hell,… today is Friday
There can’t be any better day
Bye-bye work here comes holiday

Working on Friday is such a pain
Work to rush yet can’t concentrate
Hope there’s no surprises and no rain
Counting down the clock to go celebrate

Chillaxing for the next two nights
Some booze to a level they might get into fights
While some indulge in activities to their delights
But I just wanna rest cause I’ve earn the rights

Sunday evening is a gloomy hour
Thinking of it makes me sour
Why is Friday so close to Monday?
It’s time for another cycle of a blue, blue day.

From the Pages of the Pathetic Poet

Photo shoot out ~~

Just had a photo shoot out with CCL and Zol. I have my camera before both of them and yet they seem to be more professional than me :( i guess your skills can be cap by the limitation of your gear ... ish ish ish... well since i'm broke then i think there's nothing much that can tempt me into buying a new camera gear hehehe ....

Well it's almost like each time CCL comes to Penang, all we do are just to stay at home and play game but this time its different. He got himself a camera and Penang is a damn good place to take photo. Mountain, sea, forest, old buildings.. u name it i think Penang has it... so this trip of his has turned into a photo shooting trip. Well i think he likes it and so do i... it feels great to be out from the house and from work once awhile. Not to mention i did felt more emotionally relax after that trip ^.^

well to those who are interested in seeing my photographic shame, it's all here so fel free to drop by and comment ^.^

Jobs, Life, and Relationship

A mirror, glass, or mere a crystal. That is who i have been recently at work. I've been more invisible that i ever notice recently. Does that bothers me? Not really. Since i can remember, i've never able to keep a good relationship with anyone for any reason for any period longer than the project. This is the reason that i always label myself as the unknown, unheard and unseen.

I'll be good with you on the project basis due to job requirement, the job then destroy my life and later i will ruin the relationship between you and I. That is what i'm good at.

I"ve never good in conveying feelings because i have little if not none. I see things as plain and simple as i can and could just avoid myself from having let downs. I usually give people cold shoulders so they will give up trying to get to know me. I'm basically making myself unapproachable after work because you will just get fed up with me ...

Setting priorities

Was reading this post on the papers today and was thinking... what priorities? I've spend too much time on my priorities that i've forgotten about relationship. It was my priorities that made me so numb on the emotional side... but still, i argee on the topic.

I have friends (A) who their significant other stays with them during our years in college and uni. And i have other friends (B) who actually imply that it is impossible that they've not "done" anything throughtout their relationship period. Seriously i would trust my (A) friends thinking they won't just simply because i think i won't and i trust their character, yet what my (B) friends said is not completly without base. "Don't tell me you don't feel curious or urge to do it?" , well this is the claim actually. Human beings are a bunch of curious nutcases..

As my other friends imply, there is no such thing as accidents... its either planned or unplanned. That's it... well i think hugging and kissing is kinda of a norm in a relationship but i still think kissing public is not totally accepted yet. I'm ok with the scene, hugging and kissing. just that i still prefer not to see a kissing scene unless it's a special occasion.

The meaning of my blogging activities

I notice that i've been doing a lot of blogging lately, i think almost 3 post a week which is rather high for me. I mean i use to blog daily but that was during my school days and when i started working my blogging frequency just reduce dramatically. Which actually got me thinking ... ... usually when i start to blog it because i have a lot of thoughts in my head and also due to the reason i have not many person whom i can share it with, i usually end up scribbing it out here and share it with the rest of the world.

How many of you have a problem of finding someone to talk to, either via msn/YM/Gtalk etc or thru a phone call ?? Most of the people i know, well at least i feel, don't have this problem. Most people i know have another "half" whom they can share their thoughts, or have buddies who they can share (again... i think). As for me... seriously i don't want to go to the "You don't know me" or the "You don't understand me" arguement because one of the reason you don't understand me is because i don't tell you much about me. This is something that i got lectured a lot by a lot of friends. Yet i've not done much to change that.

I have a poker face that don't have much facial expression (other than the "duh" look or the "please kill me" look that i always show to others) and i don't have much emotions either. I can be smiling but i'm may not be happy, i can frown but i might be sad ... this to add on to my lack of friends is really pushing me further and further away from humanity sometimes.

Is it easier to share your "un-happiness" with a friend from the opposite gender? Sometimes i want to find a girl to talk to other than a guy ... may be is because i want to feel the gentle kindness that is so hard to get from a guy. Problem is... there ain't so many female friends around for me to find and talk to. And those who are around... well sorry to say that i'm not close enough to them that i wish to share with them.

So here i am, talking to myself on the world wide web... writing a blog containing all my mixed feelings and emotions into cyberspace. Coming to this, i really wonder, what will i do if the Internet was never brought up?

Law of Attraction

This law goes something like, if u want it, and dream and hope for it strong eoungh it, it will happen (or something like that) ... hmmmm..... well i've not doubting this so called law as i have my fair share of hopes and achievements.


I went to my diploma setting a goal that i must graduate with a min pointer of 2.6 and i got it. As i move on to my degree, i told myself i must graduate with a min pointer of 3.0, i got that too. Of course i've worked my ass off for the results but i did get what i want. This are the only two examples that i could think of for now. So yes, i want it hard enough and i got it. For my other examples, it doesn't run far away from work or school related, nothing much on the personal aspects of life.

I've never thought of getting in a relationship until i graduate from high school, so throughout those period (which happen to be among my best moment of my life) i've never put any thoughts into relationship. And come to think of it, if i had i might not be Mr. Lonely till today. Coming into my adulthood... I think the law still applies, i mean till today i doubt that i've put in much thought about getting a partner. If i had i might have one by now right? Or is it due the fact that there is nobody around that is able to start the spark in me? Should i focus more on my working self or should i start focusing on personal self? I'm 27 now and i'm already seeing a lot of my friends from my school days getting married or engaged or at least in a healthy relationship.