In the end...

Well this is actually a back post... a back post about my grandmother's funeral. Yea.. funeral... a funny topic i would say. I remember some years ago when i met an old friend and we came to a common topic which is death. During our old school days we do not care much about money other than how should we spend it. But as time goes by there comes the topic such as love, work, money, weddings and death. Anyway... ...

At my grandmother's funeral, she had a Christian funeral btw, the final few steps we took together was at her church. There was the service by the father and everyone was in the church and listning. As usual whenever i am in a holy place i would start to feel uneasy as i will start to think about something about everything and i will end up with a blured mind. This time i didn't went that far (at least i wasn't blurred), i was thinking about things i would say etc.

Anyway at the end of the service, we pay our last (at least for me) to her. We lined up and as we walk out the church we would stop by her coffin. As the pace was kinda slow as we are walking out, i had time to start to feel the enviroment. By the time i reach the coffin, again all i said was "good bye and rest well" and as i reach the exit i felt tears building up. And this time i feel it... i felt the sadness and the grief, i felt tears. Something i haven't really felt in a very long time.

After minutes of sadness and grief... i stopped, i calmed myself and minutes later i'm back to normal.... anyway i didn't follow everyone till the end as i need to rush back to Penang.

CRAP~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *%&^(!&)^&*^&)(!^&

Dammit... as i was leaving my house i dented my car again... the bloody place has such sharp corners and usually i would hv avoided it but what this time i missed?? CRAP~~~!!!!!! When i arrive in the lab i accidently knock on my probes and broke another of a very scarce ... double crap... damnit damnit damnit... what a way to start of my week at work...

need to flush this out of my system to avoid me burning up people to a cinder with my fiery breath of death... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

LIFE SUX~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All over...

Sunday... at approx 840am my dad told me that grandma is gone. I was at their hotel room in Penang since they came up to pray for my aunt who passed away in 2004 together with my cousins. I was not stunned or do i feel suprised, it was slightly more than an "ohh.." moment but there was no sadness there. And to make the story even better, dad says he heard grandpa telling him that he is taking grandma along with him. Spooky?? Well it's family so i can't say that it is spooky.

We arrived at Kek Lok Si and then i decided to inform my bosses about the incident and that i need to take off from Penang to attend the funeral. It was after i send the sms and that i recieved the reply from my colleague where i start to feel a slight tear in my eye. Although it didn't form big enough to drop or drool down my cheeks but i know it was there. At that moment i did feel sad but it was just for a very short moment so short that when i noticed that it is there, it was all gone. The unfinish droplet suddenly dried up and i was back to normal. After our short prayer, i send dad n mum back to the hotel to get their stuff and then i went back to my house to get my laptop then we are off, back to KL.

Later that night we went to Klang where her body is there. There was not many of the family there. From what i know, she has seen everyone that she wanted to see but she still miss something. She missed the moment to see "the family", she has only seen the members but she has not seen the family as the family. She hung there for a week, fighting and struggling, and just before everyone was able to make it back in time. The "train" left. She was gone. According to Sonya she was crying the night before she "go" tears keep rolling down her cheeks, maybe she knew she is at her limit, that she could not hold any longer... i guess those are the tears of dissapointment, tears of regret, tears of un-fulfilment.

I went to her coffin just before i left and i looked at her, through the glass window. At that moment, i feel a weight, a weight weighing down on me from within. It is slightly heavy, it was slightly burden, it was some sort making me a little heavy on my breathing. Unlike how i felt last time in front of grandpa, this time there is no negetive feeling in me. Over at grandpa i felt bad for not appologizing for some of the things i said and done, but in front of grandma there was nothing. Except for the "heavy" feeling there was nothing else. And unlike other aunt whom pass away bout 3 years back there was no sadness.

Before i leave i just say in my heart. Rest now grandma....

I wonder how would i feel later at her funeral tomorrow. I'll take the next bus back to Penang and hopefully able to make it in time to go back to the lab to do some work. Has work dulled my senses??

Hope u r alright...

Just got a sms from my bro not long ago... he say that one of our cousin is saying that grandma is in critical condition... .... seriously... i do not know how to react. I'm still in the lab helping my GT out with some board issue and at the same time i got this news which is kinda disturbing. How should i react? What should i do? What could i do?

Here i am again in a large cold room with nobody else but me, is this a good setting for me to be in right now??? But frankly it would be much of a difference too even if i am with a bunch of friends i guess... when i got this news i could have easily shared it with my GT who is sitting right next to me, but i didn't ... i chose to held it in and act like nothing happened and said totally nothing... ...

Had just finish my dinner and i'm suppose to continue with my work but i really do feel disturb by this news (that is why i'm writting this blog i guess).... I'm miles and miles away so i know there is nothing that i can do so no point for me to be disturbed right? Come to think of it, grandma has not been in very good shape since last year so being in critical condition should not come as a suprise right? So for me trying to feel normal should be normal, right?? But it's family, regardless how far away you are, as long as you know that a family member is not in a good shape you have your share of sadness and worries, right? Why am I slapping my right hand with my left hand here... I'm making statements that contradicts everything... ...

Seriously i do not hope to get any suprises from my brother again tonight.... or any other night ... ... hope you are alright grandma ... ... ....

Edited at 8.48pm: I'm at home now, can't get over what i just wrote here so i decided to add in a few more words. I should be feeling sad and worried now but i don't think i'm feeling that but i do feel confused. Confused at why am i feeling confused instead of worried... why is that? What is wrong with me? Have i lost my ability to feel again? Another confusing night in the corrupted mind of the Leech.

Internal flame

This is actually what happen about a week ago... an incident that fuel me up so much that i feel like i can do a "scorched earth" on Bayan Lepas with relative ease. Let me go into some background before i continue my bullet bombardment. There was a task that was originally assigned to me but it was later given to "the-person-whose-name-should-not-be-spoken" or TPWNSNBS (wow even in short the name is still damn long haha... let's cut the name shorter ... ok.. i'll just call it as "It" hahahaha) to handle. For me it was blessing since i had my hands tied then.

Time pass ... .... ...

Then shyt happens... "It" suddenly say that "It" is feeling too tension causing "It" to fall sick and do not wish to continue the task. So out of the blue i have to take the task back and continue working on it, which during that time i was still ok with it. So i worked on it and try to finish what ever loose ends available.

Few days later ... ... hell broke loose again, at least from my end.

All the sudden "It" says "It" want to take back the task and continue where "It" has left of... Seriously when i got the news i was feeling so angry, WTH~~ when u wan it, u take it; when u don't feel like it, u just throw it away? (sorry for my choice of words here) Fuk U ~~~~~~~~~ I'm not a ball where you can throw me around wherever and whenever you want. To makes matter worse "It" wish to test my EQ and ask to talk about this matter... damn i still need to put on a smiley face to discuss about something i'm so enrage about.

I can work with anyone regardless of their attitude and personality or how much i dislike them as long as they perform professionally at work. This is something i instill within myself and i've always perform to my best on this matter; but since you can't even give me the pleasure of treating you professionally as a professional then do not blame me for treating you as a slob as you are from now onwards. This is not the first time you perform un-professionally and i seriously doubt this will be the last either. How can people (i'm soooo tempted to use the word slime) survive here? Damn it.. life is so unfair.

Life of boringness

I just had a thought today... a thought that doesn't seems to be too nice on my ... er... ... ego?? The thought was... ...

Am I a boring person??

I asked 2 person this question today and both of them give me a confirmed "Yes". One of them was a good and very close "more-than-friend" friend and another was someone who have just know me for less than a month. I've basically went from misleading to interesting to, basically who i am today, plain boring. I just notice that all i ever talk about nowadays y have something to do with work.

I mean about 2 weeks ago i attended a gathering organized and attended by my GT along with other GTs in PDC and at most of the time there i stood there like an idiot. I can't find any interesting topic to talk or could i cook up some stupid jokes like i always have ... i was just there like and idiot... and thinking back it was kinda odd for me to show up too... why did i showed up?

What have happen to the Leech? The leech who can talk from sun rise to sun set on virtually anything on everything. What happen to gift of the gab that i once had? What happen to cooking up topics just to get the ball rolling ?? What happen to all that? What happend to me?? The Leech.... what the ... ... ... ...

Have i been too involved in work that i've lost most, if not all, of my communcation skills? I've lost touch with the world so much that i don't even know what is going on outside the four walls of my lab and house. Damn this is a painful thought.

Just damn.... sigh

Seriously ... i need a life... i spend so much time at work and when i'm NOT at work i'm at home either gaming my day away or login to the VPN and working from home ... and again... work... Am i that "responsible" or am i just that too serious with work or am i just plain stupid? I really need to get out more, smell the poisonous gas of carbon monoxide of the streets of Penang more, crap... i just need to get out. And arriving at this point of my blog i seems to start blabbering away again ... this is another thing i notice bout myself... i tend to talk like a 70 year old grandfather lately... always blabbering about this and that ... damn, damn, damn.... i better stop before i extend my blog with another thousand words talking about rubbish... nitez ...

The hardship of work

The Hardship of Work

The tides has come and fade away
And I can't stop to wonder why I stay
Is this what I seek in life?
To work to slave and to learn to strife

Most I know work from 9 to 5
Yet I work from dawn to mid-night sky
Ever wonder what it worth?
To think about this make things worse

I vowed that I won't stay late
I vowed that I'll control my working state
But what I vowed I can't commit
As my workload seems to see no peak

A Pandora's box I have open
Leading my misery to grow worsen
Is this the price to climb the stairs?
To work my ass off and yet nobody cares

Will my contribution be seen and appreciate
Or will I be thrown aside and left to depreciate
I should speak up to be heard and to be seen
Else I might be thrown behind the scene

Can't help to wonder what bosses sees?
Am I an individual or something among the flea
If there is no future here for me to foresee
Then I'll take my bags cause it's time to flee

- From the pages of the Pathetic Poet -

Fish out of water

I think we all have that moment before, the moment where you would shout in your inner mind "What the hell are you doing here??!!" and "What have you got yourself into??". Well i had just one of this evening just today. There was this little gathering organized by the GTs and accidently i got myself invited to it. Initially i thought it could be fun, i mean going to met new people and stuff, something that i've not done in a very long time.

But least to my expectation is that... well i'm old. I no longer have the gift of the gab and i no longer able to mingle freely among the them as easily as i once could. Could it be because i'm kinda tense lately, thus making me a little isolated? I don't know. Going there and i found out that the youngest member is only 23 and i'm 26. Is there a gap between us? Hope not.

Anyway we ate and chit chat a little but most of the time i was just there standing, if it weren't for FR i might have died of loneliness and solitude. I enjoyed my time there but at the same time i feel odd... if there is another of such event, should i join ??

P/S no picture from me today... i took a few shots but it's still in my camera and i'm kinda lazy to upload it just yet... but come to think of it i might not post them either.... herm...

Hell of a headache

Damn... been having this headache since 2+ / 3 and it's has been nothing but trouble yet i need to keep working till 11pm coz my pending data. Feeling so confused that i can hardly think straight. I am so envious of those people that can OOP just because they are having headache, and i can't help but to wonder.... .... can i do the same? I wish... i really do wish i could but i know i can't.

Execution - paper work - review - meeting - provide training - execution - paper work - review - meting - provide training -

this is my life for the pass 2 weeks and all the sudden i was told that i need to train another guy and all i could feel at that specific moment was "WTF???" i'm kinda having my hands tied now and i hardly have time to provide proper training to my GT. I have to resort throwing something for my GT to try to figure out, to keep occupied so i may kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Seriously i feel bad for not providing proper training but i'm being held down by paperwork, which can be a hassel and with this headache of mine, its a chaos... damn i can hardly think now... gtg... ciao

Frustration with a name

Before i continue further i think i should point this out

How many of you guys (and gals) out there knows my name's "proper" pronunciation ?
How many of you knows the correct spelling to my name?
How many of you answered Yes to both question?

and the final question... ...

How sure are you?

I've been working in "I" for more than 14 months now and through out this 14 months i have been mistaken as someone else, misunderstood and misinformed on and about a lot of stuff. How should i know there is another guy with the same name spelling as i am. Mine is already very odd, i can't believe there is another with the same spelling and we are in the same compony and same building.... but that was years ago but till today i will still get some off-track emails that should be for "him" instead of me...

Above all that, what i could not stand is that i've been answering to a name that is not even mine to begin with for 14 months. Sometimes i cant help but to wonder, what have i done to the nurse who wrote my name on my birth certificate? What sin have i done to her/him, that s/he have to make me suffer till my dying day? Or should i put the blame on my parents for not correcting it sooner?

Throughout my days, i've been told by my parents that my name is pronounced as Hoe (or Ho) then why is there an additional O in my name? I've been correcting people about my name all my life, and i've always introduced myself as Chee Hoe (or Ho, so don't make me start grumbling again about this shit) but what is it that everyone and i do seriously mean EVERYONE still get ot wrong here in Penang? I don't think i have this problem back in KL so why here in PG ?? WHY???

Most of the time, if not all of the time, i would prefer they to address me as CH or Leech or even Tiger as some EV-ians like to call, at least they get the name right but why not my name? It is getting very frustrating. How would you feel if the someone keeps calling some other name and you keep have to response to it? To some of you it may be okay but to me... my name is the thing i care the most next to family. It is a gift from my parents to me, so i'm going to honor and protect it with my life? May be this has been a reason why i've put 120% effort in all the things that bears my name or symbol. I've tried to ignore it but this has gone on for much, much too long. It has to end... and to end it shall.

Home-cooked-meal-day

A break from my usual gloomy and sadist post. Today i'll talk about something that i think most of you will not believe or try not to believe. Its sunday and i decided to play "cook your own meal" .

Basically i decided to cook my own meal coz i spend quite a lot yesterday and i REALLY need to clear my old stock. It's been a month since i bought all those food. Anyway instead of my usual instant noodle meal, i've been cooking up something healthier (at least there is not so much artificial flavour)

First up... my lunch

What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cocktail sausages
Egg


The taste?
Edible lar ... although it's a little dry (note to self, need to work on how to make it not so dry)

And for dinner ....



What is in it?
Mix vegetables
Cheese
Almost overdue Cameron tomato
Dried tomato and onion flavoured tuna

The taste?
Of course edible... the tuna cost me RM 7+, this is my most expensive meal i've ever cooked to date.

So you guys still see me at work at tomorrow then you'll agree with me that it is edible, right? :p

Lunch as an ... ... ...

Arh... i'm finally at the comfort of my home, er... i think.... #yawwnnnn~~~~# Another 7-11 day again in the office. Anyway back to my lil' post of the day.

Had lunch with the new members today and of all the identity i go as, i went as an "intern" hahaha... Yupz, they introduced me as an intern in their dept and i went along with it all the wayyyyyy. Cant believe i still can to pull it off, but i did make some mistakes like thinking too hard (i'm chairing a meeting after lunch), and knowing too much about company "I".

Over at lunch, i am very suprised at the amount of people that came, we basically have 5 tables which is about 20 person showed up. It is really a wonder how good friends they are, may be from uni and may be from their training classes but i can't say the same for me. At least after the end of my N.E.O. and my training i am still a nobody among all the new the members from my batch... and after a year, i'm still a nobody.

Anyway, overall it is a fun lunch they had some good jokes and i too played along. One of their friend did ask my buddy about where is her buddy. I was there yet i was not hahaha ... fun ~~

RM6 worth of entertaiment

By the looks of the title i guess you would have guessed that it is a movie and it is a movie. Yes, as "kayu" as i am, i still go for movie, if asked that is hehehe... (hey i'm an introvert person).

We went for a add hog movie, well we basically decided to go for a movie at around 7 and decided on the movie on the based on possible seats available. The show we selected, Obsessed. How should i rate this movie ... erm... gimme a minute... ... ... ... (5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... ( yet another 5 seconds gone)
... ... ... ... (and another )
... ... ... ... (and another )
.. ... ... ... (and... well u get the picture hahahaha )

Well to wrap it up, it is a RM6 worth of movie, AM and I concluded that if you were to pay RM10 for it then you'll start using foul words as soon as you leave the cinema till you fall asleep. BUT if you pay RM6 for the movie, you would think that it is a new flavor. Well the movie plot is not exactly what you would expect from a cinema-grade movie so it's kinda refreshing. Yet again, it shouldn't have been a cinema-grade movie in the first place (this is totally my personal P.O.V.) it looks like some plot that would come from T.V.B series.

Oops... hope this post won't cause a decline in tickets hehehehe ... but what the heck the money to goes into my pocket anyway so .. .. .. who cares :p

The Masked Rider - Leech version

I'm kinda squeezing my head here .... erm... well, it's something like this. I was just about to pack my bag and leave and then i got an IM from a counterpart from some other site asking me to check something... damn it's 6+ and he ask me to check something for him on my side. Without any from of hesitation i agreed to do the request since it is job related and the closure is around the corner. While workin on the thing i start to notice on my surrounding... it's so empty.

blurrrrrr ####

Well forget about what i wrote above... basically i just wanna say i'm feeling kinda empty now. I'm all alone is the house, two of my housemates are still at work, another has went to bed and here i am in the living hall blogging. Nobody on my messenger list that will drop me a nudge for a chat, nobody there who i feel like chatting with ... sigh.... this is kinda like the feeling last night as i was going to bed. I twisted and turned multiple time, unable to fall asleep. Then i really do feel like calling someone up for a chat... anyone at all... may be not anyone ... but someone... yet i can't think of anyone ... ... no one ... at all... ... ... .. . .. . . . . ..

Seriously, i think i need some help here. I really need to learn how to de-prioritize my work and re-prioritize on myself. I'm starting to think that i might actually loose my communication skills and my verbal edge. I need to enrich my "vocabulary" not only in english and chinese, but also in my "rubbish-generating" mind.

er.... i think i'm off track again.... sigh.... ... ....

All the sudden i got the urge to call someone up for a chat... but... i can't think of anyone. I think i got a lot of stuff jumble up and it is stocked and stacked in such a way, it is so condense and it's blocking the flow of words.

Solitude
Magnitude
Attitude
Dispute
er.... any other words that rhyme with that???

Risk n responsibilities

Why did i left my last job?

That was among my question i asked in one of those "How well u know ... " quiz and to those who attempt it would have know the answer to that by now. So that leads me here ... I came to Penang to join "I" for a gamble... i always ask myself this "Would you give up something you know you want for something you think you want?" How much would you gamble for an uncertaintenty?

I took the gamble... I've given up my place at KayEll, my friends and my family there to come here for a gamble. A gamble saying that this is what i want, this is what i enjoy doing... but another question arise from my actions from yester-years, today.... is this what i wanted? I wanted a piece of the pie and now, i might actually get a slice of it... or should i say 14 pieces of it.

Am i biting off something that i can't even chew? Usually i would have no doubt in myself in work but this time it really borthers me but today there are two things that clouds my judgement of myself. First and foremost is the fact that i'm on "I" where the smartest of the smart works and deliver (or that is what they say), am i even qualify to hold a candle to them? YS, YY, CL, KS, MH... and the list goes on, they are the among the godlike people that i know at work. Where will i stand when i'm put in line with them or will i just be another piece of "something" after a stampede?; and secondly, am i really ready to take up all 14 of these baskets ?

Something CS said today over Facebook which does give me a keyhole to what my future might hold. Hours and hours of endless overtime with endless issues and debug and all alone in a big and empty freezer of solitude; that is what i've gotten myself into and this is the outcome of my little gamble. Give me victory or give me death... i guess this is the only thing i can tell myself now. Unless i try i will never know ~~

Trans-Am fullburst mode - ikimas~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 - 11, is that what life is all about?

Arh... life... i've been having this 7 - 11 life for quite awhile now and i'm still practicing it even though i'm tired like an arse...

Today seems to be a good day to write something... i mean thought of something that i really need to keep in mind.

Bout half hour ago i was still in the lab doing this stupid rework, which could have been done by other team but for god knows why, it got stuck to me ... and all my work done previously during the weekends just went down the drain so beside my fame quote of "WTH~~" i have no other comment... sigh....

Then bout 20 mins ago as i was leaving the company compound in my car, i was listening to the radio and heard sometime rather funny and "educational". The radio announcer was telling bout a story bout a guy who kept on saying "I'm bout to die soon and you are #blah blah blah #" or "I'm bout to die soon and i am #blah blah blah #". He was at a function and the chairman is having a ball of a time yapping away his "wonderful speech" and this guys started saying I'm bout to die soon and i'm here listening to this guy, i've just lost another 2 hours with my wife" But the fact is that this guy is very healthy, he could take his time over a buffet dinner, go for a walk in the part etc... he just choose to live life to the max doing the things he likes and enjoy. This some how reflect onto me where i spend so much time in the office so what about me? I'm going to die soon too... but i'm still in the office working my pants off... tis could proof to be an issue.

Later bout 10 mins ago, i was still listening to the same radio station and the same radio announcer was talking about this person who is rather famous (is a chinese author) who wrote a story bout her mother. The mother always calls her up asking her to come back home and since she is working in a place so far, far away, she seldoms goes back to visit. The mother would keep calling rushing her to come back and she would give excuses that she's busy with work and all... the mother even ask her the lie to the boss saying that she has cancer and has bout 6 months to live but in return she got a small lecture from the daughter on this and this also reminded them of the old times when she doesn't want to go to school. Later the mother went to town to pay her a visit, and the mother took the cheapest bus available which was packed and smelly and with her was a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables from the farm back home. To the author she could not understand how her mother was able to kept it so well preserved even in such condition and she concluded, wherever there are mothers, there are always miracles.

Anyway the story continues that the mother kept on pushing that the author took the time to go back and spend some quality time with the mother. The mother would spend every minute of her time with the daughter, talking and sharing even right before she goes to sleep at night she would have a small smile on her face. But 2 weeks later she got a call from her aunt telling her mom was sick, she went back thinking it was a trick like last time but at the bus station her mother was not to be seen. When she got back the aunt told her that right after she called, her mom has already "left" but she left smiling, knowing that she has spend her last happy moments with her beloved daughter. And her mother indeed had cancer and indeed only have 6 months to live.

Well listening to this story i really do felt sad and all... a part of me knew of the ending it would bring but i kept sitting there in my car listening. It seems like the inner me wish for me to listen and i did. From all these events today it has brought me to think about life. We often spend too much time working that we ignored bout ourself and we opt to spend more time for ourselves. But little do we know that for the little time we spend on ourselves, we spend even less time for our beloved ones, namely our parents, our family.

Is work really that important that it worth sacrificing your life and the life of your loved one? This question coming from a guy who works 16 hours a day, 7 days a week seems to carry little, if non at all, any weight. But it does make one thing... ... is it worth it? I know i'll be thinking of these for the next few days and in about 2 weeks time i would have return to the old me... 16 hours shift again but at least i stopped and smell the coffee today ... ... food for thought.

Smooth sailing~~

I'm very supprise by the flow of traffic this morning... i can almost count the amount of cars on the road. This is most suprising but i strongly believe this can and will change after 4pm hahah... i got a feeling the jam will be so great u'll regret you go up the bridge... ... ... which is what i'll be doing later today :'(

Wish me luck~~~ hopefully it will only be for an hour sigh~~

The EVil within

I've been feeling the darker side of me taking over lately. Few days ago, i almost caused a bike to crash into me and when the guy showed me the "finger" and instead of showing the "i'm-sorry" hand, i showed the thumbs-up.... that guy was so furious that he almost got down the bike to hit me but the thing is... ... i'm not even worried about that during that instant. I was still cool about it and not even feeling guilty about almost causing an accident. I root cause it to two items that contributed to me acting this way.

1. There was a bloody car parked on the road which took up 3/4 of the 2nd lane which i've really gotten SOooooo fed up with;
2. He showed me the "finger", if he were to show the "WTF" or the "WTH" gesture i think i would have still say i'm sorry..

At another incident, i almost lashed out at my colleague for a small issue that i've almost and nearly accepted and i still don't know why i reacted the way i reacted. But the fact that i reacted is that i still unable to totally accept it right?

Was kinda wondering... ... what cause me to have my dark side appearing ?? stress?? i wonder... ... ... ...

Sleepy~~~

I had a wonderful weekend last week, i spend so much time doing other things and as a result I had so little sleep that have a pair of bags that is deep enough to put my laptop. What is the meaning of this? I remember telling myself that I want to have a healthier lifestyle, but in the end ... ... ... =p

Let's see... slept at 2am on Friday, 5am on Saturday and again 2am on Sunday and today is Monday~~~~ yippie~~ and today's fashion is a sleepy look on monday blues hahahahaha (I wonder whether will this ever be a fashion trend someday.... ) . Why am I blogging now? Well basically i'm suppose to work but I can't seems to concentrate on my job and since I'm going to be ideal sitting here I might as well make my fingers move more since EH said that I haven't been updating my blog lately.

Well basically nothing happen much lately so there aren't much interesting stuff to put in so ... ... ... and not forgetting I'm lazy haha... and somehow I got back my DotA mood again ... sigh~

Intern?

Haha... this was a thought i had in mind recently...

Was really thinking, if i were to tell people that i'm an intern, will anyone believe me?? Hey i'm not old so it shouldn't be that hard to swallow if i were to tell people that i'm intern right? =p

Hey it's just a thought...

Lonely Boloney~

Damn.... i'm having that feeling again ... that feeling of emptiness and endless boredom. Really hate this feeling and to contribute to this i am kinda lazy to work too so i can't drown myself in work to overcome this.... sigh~ ~ ~

I think i know what contribute to this... or at least partially ... ... i've been having an empty MSN list haha... dispite having a relatively long list of contact on my MSN but there is hardly anyone whom i can or want to talk to; and there seems to nobody who wanna talk to me, do i need to establish first contact ?? ... double sigh~ ~ ~

Maybe i should do what Ernie been doing, simply nudge anyone who appears online on the list just to establish a first contact and see who replies... but this leads to another problem, is not like i wanna talk to everyone on my list... triple sigh??? sigh~ ~ ~

hehe... i guess i shouldn't blog too long... dun wanna get caught :p

The Leech - M.I.A

Hi hi~~

To those who has been following my bloggie, you would have notice that i've been missing for quite some (well long to be exact) time. And yes a lot had happen and there are tonnes of things i wanna talk about blah blah blah... well i will try to get to those "blah blah bah" stuff asap (if i can still remember them :p) but tonight... tonight i think i'll try to remind myself the things that had happen.

Well definately May has not been a good month for me, too much negetive stuff been happening to me and it has really brought me down for the count and believe me, at those times i really feel like giving up but i know i can't...

Let's break them up so i can remember them more clearly next time when i try to recall... my PC's PSU went flat and 2 weeks later my table fan went and join my PSU in the "happy land" too and it was partly due to the touch-of-death of.... .... .... (its not nice to mention names) so am i pissed?? Well i would be lying if i say i weren't but ... ... i guess i shouldn't talk too much about it here since there will be friends reading and i don't really want to start a commotion so let's drop it .... then there was issues at work which never seems to end, but on the other hand if it does then i would be out of job would I ??

On the happy front... i got myself a new graphic card and i've yet paid for it haha so inclusive of the 2 other thing i mentioned above, i'm damn broke, but i don't mind coz now i can enjoy more games and enlongated my entertainment... and hey guess what... ... 3 more days it will be my 2nd anniversary into my working life as an engineer and my 371 days here in the "I" company. Can't believe how time has left me and how senior i'm getting (well it's not nice to use the word old). Still i can't compare to my other friends who has worked more than 4 years and they are the same age as me, i mean ... what the... ... ... sigh...

Well on other goings... i've been spending a lot of time on Facebook (i mean besides from work) to those of you who have been active in Facebook, you would be familar with the ongoing quizes and the recent most "hot" quiz is the "How well you know me" quiz and without a doubt i've spend my equal share of time preparing the quiz. I've basically created 24 question but i've only used 16 of them and i don't even want to create the part 3 of my quiz since most of them don't like them ... ...

Guess what... i think i've summarize majority of May on goings in this post tonight haha... well i think it is expected of myself. When i do start writing i would continue writing until i'm done or when i get tired, and now i'm done and i'm tired so ... ... TTFN~~~

Deprived sleep

Seriously this is nothing new for any of now, how many of us are getting enough sleep nowadays? Do you? Even if u sleep at 10 and waking up at 8, you would still complain you've not enough sleep but i'm starting to feel the hazard of not getting enough sleep.

Sigh it's getting harder to concentrate nowadays. Too tired + too much work = very low productivity. I've been getting those "hang" period during the day... like those where your mind just wondered off and you are left with only the body type of feeling...

Is this caused by lack of rest or due to mounting of job??

Ehmmm.. ... ...

Monday morning~~

Something i captured on a Monday morning sky and edited using MS Paint...

Erm...

Been doing some blog searching... i just noticed that i've quite a few negetive radiating post lately and i can't help but to wonder why... ... ... am i at my limits and looking for a way out? Sometimes i wish i could do like what those cartoon would do, where they open some hatch from their body and lump and lump of steam get released from their body and they transform into something else... i need to let off some steam~~~

Offence vs offend

I think this will be a short one... i hope...

I think i offended someone today... or not... ... anyway that person seems offended.. the problem is... ... ... what happen??? Why do i always have this tendency of pissing others off?And usually not know it until its too late... Is this a gift? If it is, why can't i be gifted in other areas instead... why???

But this actually got me thinking the other way around.

Why is it that i'm the one offending others?

Why don't they ever think that they might have offended me instead?

Why am i always the guilty one?

I have friends who offend me on and off and i can't really recall when was the last time i really throw a tantrum at them, the only recent one was about a year ago when i was helping out a friend and another earlier one was on my birthday 2 years ago but i decided to overlook it because of my other friend who was also celebrating his birthday.

When i'm angry i would tell that i'm angry, so that they will not do it again and if it's their first offence i can't even blame them cause they don't know. How could you blame someone for doing something that you don't like when they do not know that you don't like it in the first place? (Confused yet?) sigh~ it seems that everything is always the Leech's fault, everything goes to the Leech's account... everything but money... Why?? Why???

What have i learn from this? I learn that i can't repent for my crime, mainly is because i do not know what i did wrong, how do i repent on my mistake when i do not what mistake have i made in the first place? If this keep going on i seriously doubt i can get into any serious relationship with others. If my normal friend can't stand it, how do you expect your partner to actually face it? Double sigh~~~

The XX chromosome individuals

I will be dead lying if i were to say i'm not interested in pretty ladies, well at least that what most of you will be thinking. But to keep it fair, i'm not denying that pretty ladies are nice to look at and even be around with but that doesn't mean anyting, at least on my account. I would look at them and even admiring their beauty in every angle possible, visually i mean, but other than that... nothing. Looking at them is the most i would do, no lust nor intention, just plain admiration of their beauty from afar.

Well i have come across a lot of ... erm... rather pretty and attractive lady friends in my years on this lovely planet, from my school days right to my days at work of which i am not very close with. I can't help but to wonder, why? It seems that i can never get too close to them. I mean we are friends and all but ... ... ... i can't say that we are anything near the entry level of a close friend (Leech's defination of friendship hierarcy ). We talk when we met in person ... ... and that's about it. And most of the time even when i do see a attractive individual, i don't even borther going to know them, just because they are pretty that doesn't mean i need to know them right? Another side of the story would be, i would have this paradigm of they will think that "I'm pretty so it's only normal that guys would wanna be around me." so i won't give them the pleasure of thinking that about me, but this is totally me and my own thoughts so don't be offended.

Sometimes Nowadays i start to wonder, why? Why aren't i close to any pretty lady friends of mine? ( a disclaimer here, i'm not saying girl friends that i'm close to are not pretty so PLS don't think of it the other way). Maybe is partly due to my so-called confidence. I'm not very confident in myself in thinking that they are really interested in being friend with me, maybe coz i think i'm not that much of an attractive or interesting person. I used to think that girls might like me for who i am but i found out that my friends are more attractive that me most of the time so i figured that i'm not a par with most people around me i guess.

I have a few pretty and attractive girl friends whom i'm close with, and that is because they are no longer available thus i would let go of my guard and be close and befriend with them. Knowing that they are no longer available means they won't think that me being close to them is due to any "evil" intention and again this is strictly my own belief. I seriously doubt that i will like a person if she's not attractive but if she's attractive i will not take an initiative nor will i be interested or keen to get to know her and if i don't know her i will never know whether will i ever like that person... and the cycle continues. So i guess this is another reason that i'm still single till this very day.

Sigh... most people, would like nothing less than being associated with a bunch of pretty and attractive individuals, i like it but i don't crave it ... not a bit, why? May be is due to my paradigm of "Good things will never happen to me" so if i don't crave, i won't be dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But if i don't desire something, i won't work for it... a battle between two of my strongest paradigm and of all things and reasons... it's this.. haha... i laugh at my own personal traits which has brought me most of who i am today hahahaha...

What does it takes to actually get to know a girl without being guilty of lust?

Holiday refresh~~

Its been awhile since i work my a$$ off at work and somehow it feel like i'm even more tired that the time when i was working on that Mountain Goat. Back then i will be working 15 to 18 hours a day on a 6 days week, sometimes 7. Coming home at 12 sometimes at 3 only to go back to work at about 7 the next day, yet i'm still able to keep up with the pace and maintained this lifestyle for almost 2 months but this time... ... ... this time is kinda different, maybe its because of pressure. I mean there were pressure last time too but that was kinda different type of pressure. That was rushing for progress kinda pressure but this time is the troubleshooting type of pressure.

Oh yea i think i've actually gotten into the main topic. I've been slaving in the lab for 5 days clocking an approximate of 85 hours of constant work and debug; and why do i call it a holiday refresh? The last time i have this hectic lifestyle was last July which lasted about more than 2 months. Maybe is due the the scrutiny of each detail at work and the fact that there is a constant daily meeting that requires your update which really adds the pressure and burden on me. Not forgetting having my DE and my DE's boss sitting next to me asking for results ... i feel like i'm under the big spot light in a small pot with super hot boiling water. And somehow the water don't feel like 100C, it feels hotter haha...

Maybe i'm too commited to my job... i mean although i feel damn pressured and tired by all this but i still look forward for the next task and see the outcome... ... ... is this what they call passion?? May be... its something i've never felt in my last job, the only thing keeping me energetic is my responsibilities, binding me to my task. I wonder how long will this passion continue to burn? What will happen if it dies out on me? Will i take the step i took previously which is to resign and look for a better and higher passion?? I wonder...

Twinkle, twinkle LED~~~

I spend few hours soldering that little circuitry 2 days back and today it is broken into 3 different piece and i was like OMG~~~ but it was expected since i know it was very fragile and luckily it did broke apart too. I noticed that i've mix and matched the wrong legs to the wrong part of the circuitry, else i might have seen smoke haha..,

Anyway spend the same amount of time to redo the circuit again... salvage it from a dead board and... ... well after few hours of delicate soldering i manage to get it done. And after connecting it to the board for some serious DOE, i hear a song ... it was twinkle, twinkle little stars.... The LED on the board started blinking which means something with the power delivery / sequence ... which means that the board can't boot and i can't proceed with my DOE which means all my hard work today basically went down the drain again... sigh~~~

I need rest... no OT tomorrow~~~~!!!!! oops... i mean today, its after midnight now hahaha... i've spend almost 34 hours at work for the past 2 days... kool~~~

The Immortal??

I think it was me who said that i wanted to get my life back on track, wanted to go home early, wanted to go out more, get to know more people. Q1 of 09 will be coming to an end in about half hour time and look at me... what have i achieved? Basicaly none... yea, i manage to go home early from work which lasted about for a week before i went back to the same routine... sigh i seriously needed a change.. else i'm doomed. God please give me strength and will power to enable this change within me...

This is the second time this week that i skip dinner... once was on sunday where i was on the bus coming back to Penang. The bus left KL at 6 (but bus ticket says 5.30) so basically i didn't eat anything for dinner. Luckily i have some biscuits in the bag, that sustained me long enuf ... well basically till the next morning.

And today... i worked through dinner and well basically i skipped dinner. Went for a coffee break around 6 and went back to my bench and work and work and work... saw EH and Jeff leaving for dinner but they we heading home afterwards so i didn't ask to join them and the rest... well one left after another and till the end there was only me.... and ironically i forgotten about dinner till it was kinda too late so i gobbled down few biscuits and that's its... my dinner, 2 pieces of IKO biscuits.

This is an issue... this is a hazard...this is ... ... me?? Damn.... Sometims i think i'm learning to be an immortal. HELP~~~~~

Climbing the ladder

Let's see who i am today... ...
...
......
..........
... Oops... i'm still a nobody... sorry for wasting your time there... i'm still that small potato in the huge watermelon farm and i guess i'll remain that potato unless i do something about it soon... but what? sigh~~

Do i look like a person who likes to climb up the ladder? A colleague of mine say dat i am. Is it so obvious ? I wonder...

Yea i wanna go up but most important to me is that people around me give me their full support when i do go up else it would not be much of a success don't u think?

Quiz after quizes

Been spending a lot of time login to Facebook and playing with the quiz on virtually anything... this got me thinking... am i that bored?? Or am i just looking for some sort of entertainment? Can be either i believe, well if i'm not bored i won't be looking for which test is fun to do and if i'm not bored then i won't need entertainment right? But looking at the quiz that i've done its mostly about me - who i am, what type of person i am, am i a good friend etc. So i think it's more of a self journey.

Think of it this way, we know more about the world's mysteries that we know about our own self. I remember a quote from one of the TV series, which i don't really remember the title but its something like the 20,000 league under the sea kind of ship and they are discovering the deep ocean,

we know more about the deep, dark space that we know about our own
ocean.

So its basically the same thing here, we know more abuot the world that we know about ourself. We don't spend enough time on ourselves for ourselves to think and talk to ourselves. So maybe this is what motivated me to do all those test...

Or may be i just need a life =p

Fish fish and more fish

Yea.. what could i say about fish?
Erm...
How about me talking about selling them... so in short i'll call it a selfish story...

Here's the catch (haha... fish and catch) something happened today that somehow triggered me to think how selfish a man could be? It's only natural for a man to be selfish don't u think so? One can't always thinks of others and neglect themselves, right? So the question on my mind now is... when do you call a person to be selfish? If you were to throw me this question, i woudn't know how to answer. I would like to think of myself as an unselfish person, as a giving type but the question remains... Am I? Most of the time when asked about this i would strongly believe that most of us would have the same thinking as i do, saying that "I'm not a selfish person" but deep down.... honest thought... are you?

Whenever i see a selfish act done by others i would come in rage and saying to myself

WTH how could he be so selfish ... i can't believe this guy.

But today i learn to think of it another way... if i were him would i have done the same? Now that's a thought to ponder about... not all the so called injustice and selfish act that i see, i can do. I would usually think,

Will my actions bring mayhem to others???

and if the answer is no then i would do it. Till this point, i would start to wonder how many of you who are reading this would agree with this thought of mine about myself? Well can't actually blame you if you think that i'm not the person who i say i am because if you were to say that about yourself i would have responded the same.

And to be honest i could not be called as an unselfish person myself, if i remeber correctly a friend once told me from the teaching of Buddha, that a truely unselfish man is someone who would do or help to do something without asking / hoping / thinking or even imagining to get anything in return. No rewards, no word of praise, no thank you not even a gesture of acknowledgment for his every actions. Of the four items i named above, i only asked for the last item... a gesture of acknowledgement... just this... is this too much to ask for? But by doing this, i'm hoping to gain something in return for my efforts thus disqualifying me ...

So a question to you fellow readers tonight before you lay yourself to bed tonight would be... when / what was the last selfish / unselfish thing that you've done?

Driving in Penang...

Wanted to talk something on this since long ago but nvr actually got down to write it but i've finally picked up the mood to talk about it.


There are a few things that i could never get into my head about Penang people (in terms of driving) , oh... a disclaimer here, i'm not discriminating towards them just that most of the incidents i've seen here are done by cars with a P plate.


1. How could they drive their Honda Accord as if they are driving a Honda EX5 ? (coz both are Honda??)

2. Does Penang produce their own pertol? (Why do they just like to floor their accelerator so much?)

3. They like to test the car's breaks / ABS / other safety features? (They like to do the "0 km/h to XXX km/h back to 0 km/h in Y sec" test or are they so keen in doing the crash test)

4. Do they have paranomic eye sight? (They see the smallest crack in between cars/junctions as wide as a 4 lane highway and always try to slip thru it)

5. Don't they take "Undang" when they are sitting for their driving lessons?
No cars in yellow box please...

And a few more questions which i don't feel like thinking right now =p. I use to be a calm driver when i was still in KL but now... ... well just say "in Rome, do what the Romans do" or should i say, i've been "Penang-ized".


They say KL drivers are always, either, on the go or at the last tick of the clock. So they tend to drive racklessly in KL, but do bear in mind that in KL a 6 km journey could easilly takes you one hour and sometimes even more during peak hours. It only takes me slightly under 30 mins for me to travel that distance here in Penang and i stay in one of the highly popolated area in Penang with only one exit, DURING peak hours of work. Then the question...
...
... ...
... ... ... Why the rush???


Please educate me fellow Penang-kia(s)

New girl in town

Yupz... been looking around here n there and i've found it... a new babe is in town wuakakakaka... well i'm basically talking bout my ol post a few weeks back. Sigh~~ the lost of my first love phone (along with almost 50% of all my phone's contact, do send me a mail or sms on tis thx ^.^) when my 6610 screen cracked into 2 pieces... sigh...

Anyway i've decided to get a new phone coz after mourning for about a week (u hv no idea the pain of holding a phone which u cannot fully utilize, i can oni recieve calls and i dun even know who is calling :( ), i decided to move on with my life. So here it is... my new babe


the HTC Touch Diamond....

and from the back hehe



I took the white model (psst~~~ its also the limited edition model wuakkakaka), there is also a black model but if black u tend to see finger prints on the body (which was basically y i didn't upload the photo i took of the front) and not to mention i like white, it reminds me of my old phone hehehe.

Been using it for almost a month now, tried to read the manual which was about 127 pages long and that's only the user manual for the phone there is still a manual for some of the software in it i.e. the GPS and the chinese software or something. Don't really went n borther with it. I think i'll read it someday when i'm free like what i did last time when i read my calculator manual which till today my fren scolded / mocked me as nutz and "too free"

Anyway after buying tis baby i've burned a big and deep hole in my wallet it's soOOOOOO deep that i threw a stone in it when i bought it and till today i've still to hear the "bloop" or the "tong" as it reach the bottom, i would hear the occasional hitting the side of the wall but not the end-of-the-line kinda sound... sigh~~~

Anyway i'm done boasting and blowing my own horn hahaha... jz joking, i needed a phone and well it suits my need, i needed a PDA like phone and tis lil lady here suit the profile so i hired her haha... well its back to work hopefully my boss did c me blogging hahaha... talk about risk taking =p

First book of the year

Yippie~~~
I've manage to finish reading a book this year. I think i did put it down in my 2009 resolution... er... dun think so. Tat might be from Emo not me hahaha... cant actually thought i'll be able to finish reading a book. Hey i'm not a reader, i dun read, at least not fictional type but ... well i finish reading a book that's wat counts. I've started reading this book since last october... and its finally over hahaha

What did i learn from the book? Erm... gimme a moment to ponder on this point
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.

The joy of working ?? Nah... erm... i think its more on actual on going of working especially if u work from / in a cubical, which i do have but i seldom stay there. Come to think of it the longest ever time i've ever stayed in my cubical was just half day. I needed some quality time (i.e. peace and quiet) to do some paperwork related stuff and in my career of working here in company "I" i've spend less tat 5% of my total working hrs, and that is based on normal working hrs haha.

Well let me share the title of the book... nah... i do better, i'll show u the actual book instead

...
... ...
... ... ...

Hold on to your seats
..
.. ..
.. .. ..
.. ..
..

#Tada#


Hey it might be just a comic book but it's still a thick comic book u know. nvr actually found time to enjoy it other than the time where i spend 1 hr after dinner all alone in the cubical around 840 and read till 940... it's a wonder how peaceful the cubical can be at nite... its a good place if u wanna relax ur mind. Highly recomended... :p

p/s: i actually bought a self-help book, "The 7 Habits" to be precise, in mid feb... i really wanna find time to digest it, hopefully i'm able to post a similiar post before the year is over... wish me luck

Belated Bday Celeb ...

Well it's a belated bday celeb alright... but its a belated bday post haha... it's been more than 2 weeks now since my bday and ... well, i can't say that i didn't care ... i guess i'll blame it on my laziness again haha, i guess we can blame virtually anything on laziness :p...

Well this year is quite a special bday for me... coz within 48 hrs i've had 3 different bday cakes from 3 groups of people, first being my bro and my new sis, where they bought a beautiful and tasty chocolate cake. Too bad i wasnt able to sit down and enjoy it to the last piece as i was rusing back to Pg; 2nd from some Ernie n WY, where they bought a last minute cake; and last but not least my colleagues.

Well with the cake, they need a hero right ... so here he is


OMG, seriously... i can't begin to imagine how many of u feel like strangling my right now wuakakaka.... but as if i care :p

We had a short and simple celeb at the cafe but it was fun haha.... thx to all

Wat the hell~~~~~

Arhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Damn moody now~~~~~~~
WTH~~~~~~

.... ...... ..... ....
I just found out that there is a scratch on my new spectacles. Wat the hell~~~ How could it has gotten such a long scratch???!!! What happen!!!! Even my old spectacles don't have this type of scratch... damn damn damn damn damn....

Sigh... nid to get my emo straight, cant let it get into the way of my work today... and YES, i'm in the office now, cube actually, been here since 7 this morning too... :'(

Bad day... bad mood indeed... sigh~~

Dun think i saw it ytd so what happen??? Sigh :'(

A small scratch on my spectacles a big cut in my heart

Penang Nite Out

Its been too long since the gang actually went out on a night out, i think the last time was when we went to BM for a round of DotA with CK and Nen even that has been sometime end of last year i think. So ytd was a cool night. The whole gang went out for a drink and supper hahah

We 1st drop by JS's place to watch the badminton finals where we (again) saw LeeCW lost to LinD but compare with the olympic he did relatively well, but seriously, although i didn't expect him to win but seeing him lost is quite a heartbreaker haha... confused feeling but an understandable one i believe.

Next we went on to our designated place of choice Coffee Island @ Gurney.


The place has its own attraction i would say, its at Gurney, near the beach with the cool ocean winds; the price is not "that" expensive considering its at Gurney; and there are a lot of youngster hanging out there so the "view" is not too bad hahaha. Overall, it does makes me feel like a student again, chillin out on a Sunday Nite with a bunch of friends talking rubbish... nostalgic feeling?? haha a little...

But there is one thing that really borthered me over there ... so may be u guys out there could help me out...
If it's called Hot chocolate ... why do you have a cold option for that drink???

When we finish it was 2++ in the morning... so we decide to take leave ... to the next location haha... its supper time :p. David was telling us of a nice Wanton Noodle somewhere at Tanjung Bungah so we decided to give it a try. The journey there was an adventure ... he forgot the way and most of us dun even know where the place is hahaha... but after awhile we manage to find our way there...

The place looks creepy at first, its almost 3 in the morning and we are heading to a market with no much lights and no one around, creepy...



We got there and ordered... David on the other hand went to the Wok and started firing up some deep fry Wanton for us...


The stall is maintained by a 70+ yr old gramps... he's been selling Wanton since he was 16yrs old and that was in 1955. All alone in the market selling Wanton noodle, is he mad?? Well i dunno but he sure has passion for his stall. Oh did i also mention that its 24hrs... during the morning its the wife and son; and at night is him... godly...


and u could not believe the price of the noodle and the wanton... its RM 2.5 for a small and RM 3 for a large (psst.. the large is HUGE~~!!) and the Wanton, hold on to ur seats... its ... its... ... RM1 for a dozen.. RM1 for 12 Wantons... damn its cheap and most importantly, it's good haha... try it :p

Our supper at 3 in the morning haha...

A family of 5

It's 28th of Feb 2009 and i now have another sis haha ...
Yupz... my bro on the hot seat with my cousins
Yippie my bro is now officially wed instead of legally haha. So now i got a sis, well sister-in-law but still a sis right?

The few days of bro's wedding was a rush. I hardly slept and was busy running all around. There were tonnes of thing to do and the list just kept on growing. But alas, its all over haha... The wedding is over, the dinner is over and my bro and sis are on their honeymoon.... as for me... ... i'm still the same ol me... now sitting in front of the PC n blog about my past activity hahaha....

Alas... gratz bro
My sis, my bro and i

P/S: i finish this post on 030309 but din upload it coz can't find the pics hahha...

DMH class of 03 reunion - PG gang

This happen quite some time ago just that i was kinda lazy to write about it. I met up with Kelly over lunch and she told me that there will be a gathering among the ourselves soon and asked me to spread the word. The first thimg on my mind was "wow it has been so long... it's gonna be fun" but when i was told of the venue and time...well its kinda a dissapointment.

Time: 6.30 pm
Date: 13/02/2009 (Friday)
Place: Autocity
OMG~~~ its a friday and u want to go over the Penang bridge??? U must be joking man... but after some negotiation we manage to bring it over the bridge and brought it to QBM instead hehehe... and to my suprise the organizer was SuMei.

On that day i had a vry long meeting which lasted till about 7 and i was super late. Everyone was in Sakae Sushi n having a good meal when i arrived. Luckily for me, i still remember everyone and everyone still remembered me but to Ernie, Deric n Meng... well they are not that luckly, most of the attendee nid a short reminder course before they can recall them. But nevertheless we had a good time catching up with each other

We went from Sakae to Dragon-i for round 2 since Emily is still absent from the gathering but too bad is that Bobbi, HM and Keen Choong nid to leave early... but it is still good that we manage to met up

Round 1 @ Sakae
Just the guys (i'm snapping the pic so i'm excluded :p)
Just the ladies (too bad HoiMin is not here... )
Everyone Round 2 @ Dragon-i

Thx to all that attended :p
P/S: i just noticed that Bobbi is missing from the photos too... so i added another pic hehe

Buhbye to my first... ...

It was in July 2003 when she came to me... she was the first for me, so it was quite a rush when i for saw her... after undressing her slowly, piece by piece, there she was ... in the naked flesh.... she was mine...

And after a long relationship of 5 odd years... she has endured much punishment from the world. Her body is fill with scars from the harsh world; her face was hit by a high velocity object and scared her beautiful face, ; her body no longers listens to her but today... she took a final blow of them all ... she can no longer smile at me ... and when i look at her now i can feel the pain she is suffering, she now lies broken. But although she can no longer see me nor could i see her, i am lucky that we can still listen to each other... but i doubt this too will last...

...
. . .
. . .

She is my first mobile phone, the Nokia 6610. Even then she was an expensive baby, she cost me about RM950 and i have to pay by installment to my mum for it. To make matters worse are all the contacts that i've saved in her... god this is going to be tough... anyone has the data transfer cable for her?? If u do.. please... please let me have a go and try to salvage all i could from her before i leave her to rest...

The Leech's Focal Part II

Ok.. after leaving the open question for a few days i think its time to end it haha... Well good try Emo, but like i say you only got 1.5 of 5 hehehe ...

Ok... drum roll please... . . . . . . . the things that i really bad at is Relationship. Hey don't get me wrong, relationship can be a lot of things so please do allow me to elaborate. I've always good at making friends as i got a mouth that is as poisonious a Malboro (hehe i don't smoke, Malboro is so happen to be a very very poisonious monster in the ever famous Final Fantasy series), a heart as pure as a bunny (OMG~~~ i'm gonna throw up wuakakaka), the brain the size of a pea (or maybe smaller... >.<), and having the level of acceptance towards people and actions as high as the sky (wow that's kind too high don't u think so??). So basically i can mix with virtually anyone(hahaa but i've found my match), provided the person is not disgusted by me which sometimes seems to be the case. But one bad thing about me is that i'm not good in keeping a relationship going, i'm not good at keeping in touch with people.

In my years from high school till today i've made many friends but unlucky for me, most of them has been nothing but those "hi-bye" type. Well i blame myself for not taking the first step in keeping in touch. Yea, i'm those "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" type of friend.

So i'm not kidding when i say i don't have much friends and i usually end up either at home game my day away or slave away at work, JUST to fill in time. I have no other friends except those from "brothers" of mine and colleagues over here and i've spend too much time with my "brothers" that it starts to creeps me out, and as for my colleagues, i've been seeing them 5 days a week so i think they deserve to be with other ppl but the bored, and lifeless me...

Valentine's is around the corner ... just so that none of you will starting calling me a spoil sport, and no, just cause i'm unable to eat the grape it aint sour neither so HAPPY VALENTINE's to those who are celebrating (hahaha i foresee a big meteor coming and going to burn a deep, deep hole in your wallet WUAKAKAKAKAKA... OMG i'm so evil) and to those who's not celebrating... erm... any plans?? Care to share?? I'm currently planning to avoid a cold and lonely weekend here...

Pain of losing something

Have you ever lost something that you really, really want?
How hard does it feel to to lose something like that?

Frankly, i've not lost much things in life that i really do treasure to that extent. But to those that i did lost, it was really painful, so painful that sometimes when i do think back, regardless how long it was ago, it would bring tears to my eyes.

Whenever you think about what had happen previously would you just feel so bad that... well you'll just get grumpy for no particular reason and you would just lose interest in whatever you are doing. Sometimes you would even blame yourself for what happened?

And how about love? What does it feels like to have your heart broken or even lose someone you like? What does it feels like to be unable to get the love of that special someone that you do love? I've personally have zero or little experience on this but i was wondering, does it feels similiar to what i've expressed previously?

Erm ~~~~ ... ...

The Leech's Focal

Before i start, just a mental note Penang Bridge on a bike can be very dangerous... the cars are fast and the wind is heavy... salute those who nid to face it daily. While i was sitting as a passager on the bike on the bridge i manage to make the full use of the 13 odd km to have short "me" time.

Was thinking till this point in life... what have been my accompishment till today? What have i achive so far? How is my goal setting turn out? To be honest, i've lost track of my accomplishments, since somehow they dun seems to be of any significant but i do remember my failures, they are such deep cuts and dark inks in my personal records tat are so hard to forget.

How do you measure one's achievements and accomplishments? And where do i sit in your mind when you read this?
-Am i a par with you?
-Am i higher than you? or
-Am i lower than you?

Just went into two different rounds of Focal in my 18 months of working life in two different working environment and if i were to grade myself as what was done at work, how good am i? Where do i stand?

Proudly to say is that i would grade myself high in term of "official" achievement, I get things done that is my strong points. yea~~~ my school results were never top of the class and i might not be the brightest bulp in the room but at least i'm not labled as a bookworm or a nerd, nor am i labled as a freak or worthless piece of trash; and most importantly to me is that i've earned the respect of most of my peers so.. yea... its a big achievement to me. At least i know i worth something to others .... as a cow, or slave...

But ... ... not all things in life are good and so am i... as good am i grading myself in that area, there are aspect in my life that i truely really do condemn and if any of you know me as you think you do then i would believe you would come to the same conclusion. The area that i sux the most is... ... ... well i'll let u know later :p i nid to catch some Zs now, i think i'm gonna be sick due to lack of sleep. So anyone wanna take a wild guess??

Where is Me?

Dun have much "me time" nowadays, been in work mode since the 4th day of CNY, while most people is still on their holiday i am already slaving away at work... cant help to feel like i've lost sync with myself. Really need to sit down and sync up with the working me, home me, friend me and the me me.

There were some time where i would sit around and let my mind run and be creative even while working just to let off some steam but lately... i think i've locked that creative me somewhere and lost the map to his prison cell.

Thinking back bout a few weeks back when i have my mood swings... ... i think partly could be due to this too. HY was giving me a lecture on the importance of intra-communication and pointing out my lil' emotion problem and again saying that i will be the cause of my breakdown.

Like i say, thinking back... being lonely and being in solitude has really made me change in some way, but to think and to tell people around me that i do not have many friends it seems a rather hard to swallow. How could a guy who is as articulate as this have no friends? I mean i'm not that hard to approach kinda guy rite but... i do have very limited friends and even fewer of those whom i wanna talk to when i'm under the weather. Well what HY say is true, i do need to expand my friendship circle. I need a 3rd party friend, away from work, and away from my usual faces... maybe that way i would feel more comfortable if i want to discuss about my problems. At least that way i know it whatever i said will not arrive to the ears of those un-intended.

Well until i'm able to expand tat circle i guess i would need to work harder on my intra-communications skills.

Stress overload~

Before i proceed to today's event allow me to do something...

$^!($!^!$#^()!*$!_$&!%(!^$)!&*$^!%)^)!%&*@_*$+!+$!&_

.... .... thanks
I've been in stress mode since the moment i step into office at 7 till 5 this evening. I'm so upthight and focus that i hardly notice anything around me ... i was concentratng on the meeting when all the sudden i turn and saw Cat looking at me and i almost yell... i was paying too much attention to what i'm doing that i didn't notice her standing there.

I didn't even set a foot at the lab until lunch, to spend so much time at cube seems like a nice feeling. Its relatively quiet and peaceful, i can concentrate on what i'm doing more easily but the down part is that i cant make any noise so i guess that partly contributed to my mounting stress level...

At 5, after i close all my ARs i let out a big sigh and went for a coffee break.... damn that felt good.... but after all the coffee break its back to work ... How can u work under all that stress? I'm learning... just give me time

2 face of a same picture

Its been few days now, with me being under the weather... emotionally i mean. But the fact is, i think its been like this for almost 2 weeks now but it just went downhil just recently.

Sigh~~ There is no doubt in myself that i'm not really in a mood for anything lately and to make things worse is that i am behaving like nothing happened, i'm still the same ol' me to everyone. Just that how succesful i've been on this is a little controversial.

I'm hiding myself behind another me who is incapable of feelings and emotions just that i don't look "different" in front of everyone... well on the other hand, i might look like a zombie that way.

How long will this prolong? How much longer do i need to be like this?

I feel like screaming my lungs out

I feel like i wanna cry inside

I feel like there is a torn somewhere in my body and i can't take it out

I just dun feel like me...

Why is that all the suddenly being lonely sounds so scary to me now? All this while i've care less abuot it but recently even the thought of having dinner alone seems so scary to me now.

Tomorrow is another day .... now where have i put that damn mask of mine... ... ... ...

A puro dolor

Its kinda ironic sometimes... well lately its not sometimes but kinda a lot of times... been feeling wierd... sigh, hate this feeling.

Well today i really wanted to stay late at work, but not because i want to work but just want to find someone to accompany me ... accompany for the nigh, accompany me for dinner. I've been spending so much time at work that somehow i feel kinda lost when i leave for home. I felt detached from the world and my colleagues has somehow become the next to family to me, i spend more time with them than my own housemates, and i even begin to compare them to my family members who i see so seldom. And when everyone leave today it felt like a void in me. All the sudden i felt so lost... so alone... so ...
brrrr... hate this feeling,
...i hate it,
... i hate it...

Was a little lost when looking for a place to eat. Felt that anywhere is the same but i can't decide on a place wanted to go to A but in the end went to B and somehow i felt that deep down in me was hoping i would see a familiar face and accompany me for dinner. Am i thinking too much? Am i feeling too much? Am i sick???

...
... ... A puro dolor is all i feel tonite...

Troubled trouble

Took a detour from work to home today (yes, its a sunday and i've been working)... took a longer route and elongated my journey for an additional 10 odd minutes. Instead of taking the smooth straight path i took a turn and used the mountainous route and drove a little more aggresive than usual (well at least during the begining). Did all this just to delay my journey home because my car is my only sanctuary if u wish, its the only private place i have... not my room, not my cubical...

Been feeling troubled lately, very troubled ... but i cant tell what is causing it. Just felt something on my mind tossing and twisting in there like there is no end to it... really feel like talking to someone about it, i really do but ... ... ... there is nobody on my phone book whom i can call to and i want to call to... just nobody... ... wanted to find the guys and have a chat about it but somehow there is just an invisible wall around me hindering me from talking or maybe just because they too are among the factors of my trouble so i don't want to add more to my headache now... Anyway like i say, i just don't know... just don't know what is wrong with me.

Has all this bottled up feelings and emotions has finally caught up to me? Is not the first time that i have my emo bottled filled up to the top so what makes it different this time that caused me to be so troubled? I just don't understand, maybe i'm getting old...

Been working quite late this week, often spending up to 15 hours a day at work and most of the time with me being the last person in the lab to leave. And i've been thinking... ...

What am i doing here at this time of night? Is this really nessacary ? Do i really need to work my ass off here like this? Do I?? Must I ??

But regardless of what i think that moment in time, i end up repeating the same feat i did today, tomorrow, and the day after... slaving my hours away in the lab ... working... and working ... and working ...

I really need to talk... and i do mean talk... need to take this load of my chest so i can breath better and again... who can i talk to? Who indeed... ...

Wat is the Leech?

To the world, the leech is nothing but a small, icky, dark and disgusting little creature who sucks blood... and basically i'm all that... well not all but mostly... like i say i am nothing but a small potato in a big watermelon farm... who would notice? So throughout my years i've develop a paradigm of myself for myself; and that paradigm is nothing less than

What that i not think about will never happen

And basically tat is how i've lived all this time and most ironicly its due to this paradigm i've survive, achieved and miss a lot of things in life.

I've outlasted most of my 2ndary skool friends in a training camp

I've earn respect from my peers from my early skool till my working days

I've achieved my short term goals

I've miss out on a possible romance

I've lost quite a few of my friends

I've fallen into a deep and dark hole only to fall again deeper into it

And a whole lot more that i cant even begin to recall ... and have i ever felt regret with this paradigm - yes ... but do i really regret - most definately no, i am who i am because of what i did. I've lived by it and i'll grow by it

But the question now is... ... should i remain as the leech i am today or evolve into a better leech of tommorrow?

Stupid evening

I did something most office dwellers will NEVER thought of doing... I actually spend about 40 mins of my evening in my own cubical... reading Dilbert comics.

Well this doesn't sound odd... the odd part is that i was doing it at 8++ pm after my dinner. I could have gone home and do something else (like my laundry :p) but instead i spend 40 mins of my time doing nothing... haha... Dilbert a comic that all office dwellers SHOULD NOT read. The humour is good but the moral is bad for work :p

D***.... this goes against my 09 Resolutions... spend less time in the office wuakakaka... ooppsie~~~~

A brand new chapter

Page 1 in this new chapter... another 364 pages away to the next chapter... and what should i make the most in this new chapter ??? And how did i spend my new year eve?? Haha... i spend it in the lab wuakakakakaka... Yup in the lab at work but dun worry i'm not that crazy yet... althought i counted down in the lab it doesnt mean that i was really working... we got together and chit chat our way till the new year, we chit chat from 9+ till 2am before moving on the the mamak for round 2 where we continue till 3 hahahaa...

Anyone willing to share their new year resolution with me?? I need a sense of direction this year... nid something to aim and focus on, at work and at play... i need a life, a life outside of work... lets see... what may i list down here... i remember i listed down something last year and i believe i have only manage to fulfill a very small and tiny part... ... ... or not.

erm... ... i think i need a more specific goal, a more measurable goal, not those that cant be measured haha... i think i've only made those kinda goals all this time hahahaa.... ok... lets get down to business...

To-do list of 2009
1) Get a life
2) Spend less time at lab and home, go out more
3) Expand friendship circle, get to know other ppl outside of my usual routine
4) Dun put on weight, stay healthy
5) Check blog spelling b4 posting hahaha... notice a lot of typo in my past posts.
6) Erm.... have some lady luck?? =p

Hahaa... cant think of any other stuff for now but i guess this kinda doable haha... but item 1 to 3 kinda cab b lump into one item instead hahaha

Happy new year~~~ Have a wonderful year ahead of u wuakakkakakkakaa